The bad Fallkuuune rides again for the only living boy in New York, Torn Slattern and Nugget Ranchers


“60 Minutes” did a segment on the Mars research rover Curiosity. Curiosity discovered the only living thing on Mars: Antonio Cromartie’s sperm.


NFL-star Antonio Cromartie’s wife is pregnant with his 14th child despite a vasectomy. Cromartie’s sperm could not be thrown off of a United flight.


Hillary Clinton has launched a new political group called “Onward Together,” that will stress inclusiveness. Well, except for Wisconsin and Michigan.


“60 Minutes” did a segment on Osama bin Laden’s son, Hamza bin Laden. Hamza is more dangerous than his brothers, Tito and Jermaine bin Laden.


“King Arthur: Legend of the Sword,” bombed at the box office. It was so bad they’re changing the name to “King Arthur: Legend of the Lightsaber.” 

The New York Yankees retired Derek Jeter’s #2. In a related story, the Yankees also framed the results of Alex Rodriguez’s second positive steroid test.


“60 Minutes” did a segment on the Mars research rover Curiosity. Curiosity has even taken pictures of the Mars’ billion-year-old formation: Mount Larry King.


At Yankee Stadium they unveiled Derek Jeter’s plaque, but I am not sure about it.

Donald Trump is planning a massive shakeup of his staff. When someone told him who the biggest problem was, Trump said, “OK, so let’s fire this Potus clown.” 




Turns out the story of a Chicago woman irate over her haircut who ran over her hairdresser was fake news. But I believed it. Hell hath no fury like a woman shorn.


A high-school cheerleader in El Paso was arrested for submitting a false police report after she confessed she made up her home had been burglarized so she could keep her uniform. Her attorney used the vaunted, “Kick ‘em back, kick ‘em back, way back,” defense. 


Kellyanne Conway made $39 million on a polling company she started at 28. Or as “MSNBC” reported: “Kellyanne Conway worked on the pole at 28.” 


Since you asked:


Thanks for all the requests from the press for quotes. Just going to say I do not believe all the rumors I am being cast over Charlie Hunnam for the next James Bond. 

Big win for us Friday and we looked good in the press today. Well, except for that picture of me in the “New York Post” that makes me look like Quasimodo in a hot dog eating contest. 

No lie, that picture makes me look 58, fat and weather-damaged. Oh. Right. I am. But a muscular 58, fat and weather-damaged.