Tuesday, February 21, 2017

The Oscar host, Jimmy Kimmel, said not all celebrities are very liberal. It’s true. Caitlyn Jenner is so conservative, she considers water-boarding Aqua Yoga therapy.






In Austria, for the first time, an American, Lowell Bailey, won a gold medal in the World Championships of the 20K biathlon. Don’t confuse the biathlon with men’s figure skating. The biathlon is cross-country skiing and shooting a rifle. Men’s figure skating is skating and firing off shots of juicy gossip.


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The host of the Oscars, Jimmy Kimmel, said most celebrities are pretty liberal. In Hollywood, pretty liberal means they once sat down and talked to their maids, butler and chef.

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The host of the Oscars, Jimmy Kimmel, said most celebrities are pretty liberal. In Hollywood, pretty liberal means once a week they drive their Prius to the studio instead of taking a limo. 

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The host of the Oscars, Jimmy Kimmel, said not all celebrities are very liberal. Some of them have even watched one segment on “Fox News” before they threw up. 

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The host of the Oscars, Jimmy Kimmel, said not all celebrities are very liberal. In Hollywood, very liberal means they are Bernie Sanders fans and staunchly against the wealthiest top one percent. When they’re not busy being the wealthiest one percent. 

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The host of the Oscars, Jimmy Kimmel, said most celebrities are pretty liberal. In Hollywood, pretty liberal means, in respect to the poor, they snort cocaine with a one dollar bill instead of a thousand dollar bill. 


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The Oscars host, Jimmy Kimmel, said most celebrities are pretty liberal. Pretty liberal? In Hollywood, Bruce Jenner said it was easier to become a woman than it was for Caitlyn Jenner to say she’s a republican. 


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Did you have a good President's day? Mine was just OK. Once again, I got a present for the president, but the president did not get me anything. 


Since you asked:

Going to do the math based on the somewhat shocking election and guess that the ratings for the Oscars might not be the highest this year.

“What are you talking about?” Asked middle America. “We can’t wait to hear how a rich celebrity clutching a $232,000 gift bag wants us to live our lives.” 


Sorry. My mistake. Like with everything else this political era, I am wrong. 

Once again, for fear of losing cherished left-wing comedy-related readers, I feel compelled to state I am neither a republican nor a democrat. (Not that there is anything wrong with either) These are just jokes. I used to be a democrat who campaigned with my mom for liberal candidates in Illinois, like real deal, Abner Mikva.

But now I am undeclared. Most republicans are awesome. So are most democrats. Like with most things, 90% are fantastic, but the 10% that are bad are so vile they ruin it for the rest. 

When I played football as a running back in high school, it came  easy to me to take out my aggression on the defense. It was clear they wanted to stop me and possibly hurt me, so I had no problem knocking the snot out of them. But then I also enjoyed giving them a hand up and cracking a joke. 

The combination confused the utter crap out of them.

One summer in college, I was a day camp counsellor at my old elementary school, Crow Island. And I had to learn how not to be a bull in a China shop. These were sweet and lovable little six-to-nine year olds.  And it turns out, with a little work on both sides, we were absolutely crazy about each other. Go figure.

In my mind, to declare yourself a liberal is to say you think you should always act the way you do with gentle, sweet children. (Which would be wonderful) 

To declare yourself a conservative is to say you should always act the way you do when an angry 220 pound linebacker is trying to take your head off. (Which would be cool, but probably result in jail time)  

No, I am proud to have both varying abilities of being kind and tough and I want to exercise them in all things including politics. 





It is upsetting and depressing to see people living down to their lowest cultural denominator fanning bad stereotypes. This gives haters and racists an excuse to be haters and racists. 

As an older caucasian male, it is deeply upsetting to me to some some fat, angry, drunk douche-bag shooting off a gun and screaming racial epithets. The word is shame. 

That is exactly what Milo Yiannopoulos is doing to gay men. Under the phony self-marketing guise and protection of claiming to be conservative, Milo is simply throwing flaming gay men under the scorchingly bitchy, and nasty surly queen bus for self-promotion.  


Gay men should tell that flaming publicity-whore hypocrite and pedophile supporter, Milo Yiannopoulos, to go raunch* himself. But even that unrepentantly grasping hot-mess should be given a chance to speak no matter how shamelessly self-promoting he is. 





* Raunch is a verb invented by midwestern kids in the mid to late '60's that means to get hit and hurt in the crotch/reproductive/waste-removal area.