Saturday, October 01, 2016


Kendall Jenner had a tattoo done inside her lower lip. It’s a reminder that says: Brush. Gargle. Spit. 

In Virginia, a daycare worker was sentenced to three years in prison for organizing a Baby Fight Club. Upon hearing this, Florida said, “A Baby Fight Club? Why didn’t we think of this?” 

Kendall Jenner had a tattoo done inside her lower lip. It says, "Objects In Mouth Are Closer Than They Appear." 

It says, “CWC” which stands for Close When Chewing. 

It says, "You Are Here."

It says, “Welcome All Comers.” 

It has a line that says, "Do Not Fill Past Here."

It says, “You Sure You Want This In Your Mouth?” 

Donald Trump is threatening to attack Hillary Clinton on her husband, Bill’s, infidelities. For a guy who cheated on both of his ex-wives, this is like a Kardashian admonishing someone for not using the Oxford comma. 

Friday, September 30, 2016

Bowserbeast, from the East, he's the most, not the least, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Throwback Saturday. This was Puppy Wally.  He's always had that, "I'm sorry, can I help you?" look. 

Congratulations to Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively who just had their second child. Their first child is a girl named James. They named the girl James because being the daughter of Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively wasn’t going to mess her up enough. 

Stanford was crushed by Washington 44-6. And due to their high admission standards, even Stanford’s trash talking was bad:

“Say there, athletic protagonist, scuttlebutt is your matriarch’s body mass index scalability is not salubrious.”

A poor debate has resulted in a dip in the polls for Donald Trump, and he is not happy about it. Or, as a headline in the '40’s would put it:  

Debate Dump Has Trump a Grump Due to Slump.

Dear Trump Followers;

Believe me, I get your dislike of Hillary. (See above)

But Trump has gone so far beyond that. His behavior to his own Miss Universe is so scorchingly despicable. Trump is a Bond Villain. Trump is everything that can possibly be wrong with a human being, let alone a presidential candidate.

Trump not only screws-over wives, business partners, waiters, painters, dishwashers, students, beauty contestants, bartenders, caterers, architects, plasterers, plumbers, dry-wallers, glass workers, but he loves doing it. It gives his tiny little thing joy to show he is more powerful than the rest of us. 

Yes, I know you're angry. But deep in your guts you cannot be for this vile little jerk, Trump. 

Thursday, the Bengals beat the Dolphins 22-7. The Dolphins’ all-orange uniforms were not a hit with NFL players. Orange may be the new black, but awful is still the old stinks. 

Workers at a Trump-owned CA golf course say Donald wanted all unattractive workers fired. It got out of control when Trump walked by a mirror and accidentally fired himself.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are settling their divorce. On the bright side, dealing with Angelina has given Brad an idea for the sequel to “World War Z.” “World War Cray-Z.” 

A German goalkeeper was arrested after letting in 43 goals in one match. He was charged with loitering and impersonating Donald Trump at the debate.

The Trump campaign is asking for donations to get to $20 mil. Donating money to Donald Trump would be like giving Chris Christie a gym membership.

Thursday, September 29, 2016

That hissing sound you hear is other NFL players letting the air out of their balls.

At the next debate they will be using questions submitted by social media. So the next three questions will be: “I can’t even. Can you even?”  “I know. Right?” And “DTF?”

Serving out his Deflategate suspension, Tom Brady was photographed on a nude beach in Italy with his supermodel wife, Gisele Bundchen. In a related story, nothing about either of them was deflated.

“Forbes” revealed Donald Trump lost $800 mil. this year. Even for Trump, that is a bigly amount of money.

Donald Trump just lost a debate and he found out from “Forbes" he lost $800 mil. last year. Guess which one bothers him more?  

This is a guy who is so cheap he paid for his own portrait with $20,000 people donated to a charity. 

Rough time for Donald Trump. He lost the debate to Hillary. “Forbes” just informed him he lost $800 mil. last year. And his tanning salon is fresh out of his spray tan shade: Pumpkin Spice Sunset. 

“Forbes” claims Donald Trump lost over $800 mil. this year. You know how Trump says he doesn’t drink? Well, tonight he is going to drink a whole lot of that stuff he says he doesn’t drink. 

Somebody just bought the Batman batsuit in the Dark Knight movies for $250,000. He can wear it on all the dates he doesn’t go on.

Somebody just bought the Batman batsuit in the Dark Knight movies for $250,000. He bought it using all the money he saved by never going on a date. 

Serving out his Deflategate suspension, Tom Brady was photographed on a nude beach in Italy with his supermodel wife, Gisele Bundchen. In Tom’s entire time in sun bathing in Italy, not one 300 pound lineman tried to rip his head off. 

Since you asked:

Back in third grade, Howie Detmer and I would play together after school and the main goal was to try and crack each other up. After an after-school snack of milk and Nilla Wafers or Graham crackers, we would run up to Howie’s attic to play board games or listen to Bill Cosby records. (We both could recite entire Bill Cosby albums word-for-word. To be candid, Howie’s Fat Albert was better than mine)

And we would unveil new characters we invented. From Cosby there was Coz, Fat Albert, Old Weird Harold. Our own characters: Mr. Jarvis, Mrs. Clooney's heartburn, Spastic bird, Crying Duncan, Mean Old Man, Sad moose.  This may be bragging, but it is not lying, I did a smarmy, corny, Vegas lounge lizard imitation 8 years before Bill Murray. 

One of our go-to characters that always got a laugh went by the name “Whoa Big Guy.”

The key to "Whoa Big Guy" was in the squint and the grimmace. Always squint. And the grimmace you would alternate pursed lips or expose clinched teeth. You stood with your feet shoulder-length with your fists on your hips. And, in a Superman way, you looked up and off to the distant left and then back to the right and said,

“Oh yah. It’s me, Big Al.” (Or Big How, depending)  

And then the other would exclaim, "Whoa, look out it's Big Al." Or "Whoa, look out, it's Big How." 

The accent of "Whoa Big Guy" was an affected phony tough-guy voice that combined the faux-baritone Lone Ranger’s “See here. Unhand that man, citizen,” a little smart-ass Bugs Bunny with the cartoon James Cagney/ Edward G. Robinson bad guys, “Why you dirty rat. Look, see, it’s curtains for you. See?” thrown in. 

We did not know it at the time, but those voices were all done in a cheesy Brooklyn/Long Island accent. 

When we really ramped up “Whoa Big Guy” we would pound our chest, point our thumbs at ourselves and yell,

“Yay me. Hooray . . . for . . .  me. Bow down to . . . me.”

We had no way of knowing it, but we were doing a spot-on Donald Trump 50 years ahead of its time.

As bright-eyed and innocent little kids, we could see right past the phony bluster into why a character like this was so fake,  pompous, silly and, therefore, so funny. 

Last night Seth Meyers's faux moderating the debate was a dead-solid home run with runners on. It was Seth being Seth in the most Seth-like way. Meyers's writers are crushing it. Go Amber.

Man, I thought the gloves were off by the media on Trump before the debate? Now the piling-on is glorious. Unless someone is waiting for checks from "Fox News" everybody is in on it. And why not? The man is an evil, bloated troll. 

Not saying this applies to me, I am not saying it doesn’t. What I am saying is, if your last visit to the bathroom invoked memories of a knee-capped Nancy Kerrigan scream-cry-whining “Whyyyyyyyyy?” You may want to change your diet. 


Speaking of rough #2's . . . 

Rough time for Donald Trump:

He lost the debate bigly. 

“Forbes” claims he lost $800 mil. this year. 

He is accused of violating the Cuban trade embargo.  

His charity is illegal.

He continues to attack Miss Universe

“USA Today” condemned him. 

And today his tanning salon ran out of his Pumpkin Spice Sunset spray color. 

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

A 19-year-old British man named Jack Johnson has spent over $26,000 in surgeries to look like David Beckham. The bad news? He looks nothing like Beckham. The good news? For just $500 more he could look exactly like Kim Jong Un. 

A woman in Tennessee came home to discover two burglars - a man and a woman - having sex on her couch. They had stolen her TV, appliances and jewelry. The woman then insisted they steal her couch too. 

Serving out his Deflategate suspension, Tom Brady was seen on a nude beach in Italy with his supermodel wife, Gisele Bundchen. In a related story, players all over the league began deflating footballs.

If On Fleek is what you seek, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Happy 6th birthday to Paul and Teri Fields's son, Wrigley Fields. He is having a much better year than his troubled older brother, Soldier. 

In the debate, Donald Trump kept begging people to call Sean Hannity. Sean Hannity’s nose is so far up Donald Trump’s ass he can almost taste Vladimir Putin. 

They’re calling Monday’s debate the Super Bowl of debates. It was so much like a Super Bowl, Cam Newton fumbled and did not dive on it. 

Donald Trump is saying he won the debate. OK, sure. And the girl I took to the high school prom did not leave with the drummer with the Spiderman neck tattoo. Whatever you have to believe. 

They’re calling Monday’s debate the Super Bowl of debates. That makes Donald Trump the insurance commercial with the dead kid. 

Donald Trump blamed his weak debate performance on the microphone. That is like blaming his bad comb-over on his dentist. 


In a rally in Florida, Donald Trump said he won the debate. Apparently this was the Smoke Free Meth rally.

They figured out the cause of Donald Trump’s sniffing during the debate. Apparently Trump’s allergic to his own sucking. 

A woman in Tennessee came home to find two robbers, a man and a woman, having sex on her couch. The man brought new meaning to the term: a hardened criminal. 

Donald Trump interrupted Hillary Clinton 51 times during the debate. Trump interrupted so many times he accidentally interrupted himself 10 times. 

Nike announced they had a boost in sales after the Rio Olympics. Especially their new shoe: The Ryan Lochte Robbery Runners. 

Donald Trump said he won the debate. That’s like the Captain of the Titanic hitting the iceberg and bragging about the free ice on the fore deck. 

Donald Trump said he won the debate. That’s like Custer telling his men at Little Big Horn they’re about to get free haircuts. 

A man in Florida high on meth, cut off his genitals and fed them to an alligator. Many Florida experts consider this the most Florida thing ever done in Florida by a guy from Florida. 

Since you asked:

There have been big first presidential debate losses that have had the losers come back and either win or do very well. Nixon, Reagan, George H.W. Bush, Obama. 

That is not going to happen with Trump. That would require serious smarts, serious study and intense preparation. Trump is too stupid and lazy to do that. 

Trump is running around telling people he won. Which, like with all pathological liars, means he believes it. Which means he did not learn his lesson. Which means he is not going to prepare again. Which means he is going to get destroyed in the second debate. 

The second debate loss is going to crush Trump. No recovery. If I was an ardent Hillary fan, I would be feeling smugger than usual. 

Had one of the best French Dip sandwiches ever in Glenwood Springs, Colorado. Just wanted that information out there.  Also bought a great harmonica at the music store nearby. 

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Why does Donald Trump complaining about a faulty microphone remind me of this?

Celebrity couples breaking up. First Johnny Depp and Amber Heard, then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and now Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts. Thank god we still have Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna.  

The debate has inspired drinking games: drink every time Hillary says family. Drink every time Trump says China, drink every time it dawns on you one of these two people will be president. 

There was a choice between “Monday Night Football” or the debate. In one you could watch people trying to take each other’s heads off, or you could watch the football game. 

It was 100 in Los Angeles yesterday. I was sweating like Donald Trump hearing the name “Miss Piggy.” 

And was it just me, or did Hillary Clinton do the "Caddyshack" gopher dance when Trump attacked her temperament? 

After her email fiasco, listening to Hillary Clinton at the debate lecture us on cyber security was like listening to Chris Christie talking about the benefits of cardio. 

And, during the debate, Donald Trump was sniffing like an '80's Wall Street trader coming out of a bathroom in Studio 54. 

Since you asked:

Donald Trump is that bratty kid you didn’t like who changed the rules of games so he would win. Hillary Clinton is the Reese Witherspoon character, Tracy Flick, in “Election.” People vote for her because she says what they want to hear, but they can’t stand her. 

How did a country as great as ours end up with these two clowns? 

As with Trump, I am a fan of Hillary's by no means. But anyone who says Trump did not lose that debate is letting their agenda destroy their credibility. Trump was not prepared. He gave lame sound bites. He got rattled. He sucked. 

The biggest problem with both candidates is their egos are so huge they honestly believe they're above the truth. Hillary is just smart enough not to lie five times during a debate. 

Not sure how much this debate swayed undecided voters. There were some who were probably impressed by Hillary’s win and changed their minds. 

The biggest thing that happened was uninformed Trump supporters - the ones in love with the concept of Trump, not the actual guy -  tuned in for the first time and were disappointed. 

Monday, September 26, 2016

A TMZ poll showed 75% for Brad Pitt with just 25% for Angelina. And that is just a poll of their kids.

L.S.U fired their football coach, Les Miles. He may be out as a coach, but Les Miles has quite a future as a used car salesman. 

Sunday Chicago fans had to choose between watching the Bears against the Cowboys or the Cubs against the Cardinals. That turned out to be like choosing between a gum-scraping and a full-body massage.

By winning the Fed Ex Cup, Rory McIlroy had a putt that was worth over $10 mil. It was the most a stroke could have cost a golfer since Tiger Woods’s wife, Elin, caught him cheating. 

Turns out the lesbian re-make of “Brokeback Mountain,” will not happen. The lesbian “Brokeback Mountain” would be called “Backpack Mountain.”

San Francisco police never found the culprit who bit off a bartender’s finger. It all started when the bartender refused to give the man a shot of Two Fingers tequila. 

San Francisco police could not catch the culprit who bit off a finger of a bartender despite starting with a hot tip. Now they’re the victims of biting sarcasm. 

The Chinese space station is going to spin out of orbit and crash to the earth. They got the idea from watching the Cleveland Browns. 

Kim Kardashian first endorsed Hillary Clinton and then said she was on the fence. “Kim, please make up you mind so we know who to vote for,” said nobody in the country.

Since you asked:

Three stories in sports yesterday, one tragic, one sad and one wonderful.

It is nothing but tragic that a young pitching superstar, Jose Fernandez, who, as great as he was on the field, was beloved more off the field, was killed in a boating accident at 24. Everything about this is sad.

And although he lived a long time, Arnold Palmer was so great and beloved it breaks our heart that he is gone at 87. Palmer was arguably one of the greatest golfer ever - Jack Nicklaus won the most tournaments - but his kindness to others and class is what will always make Palmer #1 in golf with Jack Nicklaus #2 and a few scant others, including Gary Player, a distant third.

The  wonderful story is Cubs catcher, David Ross, a beloved journeyman catcher with good skills ended his regular season career in Chicago, received two standing ovations, hit the go-ahead home run and then received two more standing ovations and took four curtain calls. Although a good player, it was the love his players and the fans had for Ross that was so touching. Compare that to the “Thanks for stopping bye” retirement of billionaire douche-bag and drug cheat, Alex Rodriguez.

What we learned was the importance of being a good guy off the field. 

As much as I love The Boss, I am going to have to differ with Bruce Springsteen’s argument on choosing to fight 100 duck-sized horses over one horse-sized duck.

Bruce chooses 100 duck-sized horses because, he says, horses can be tamed, but a horse-size duck will “F*ck you up.” 

Bruce points out that horses work in congress with people and might not fight. That is not the premise. It is implied they are going to fight you. You can’t agree with the notion there are 100 horses the size of a duck and then just ignore the fact they will fight you. They are going to fight. 

That would be the equivalent  of about 100 long-legged dachshunds or corgis wanting to tear into you. Horses have teeth. And hooves no matter how tiny they are. 

A duck, no matter how big it is, only has a beak. Yes, I have been pecked at by a goose and I know it hurts. But it is just one bill versus 100 mouths and 400 hooves. 

Another Boss note. Read a review of his "Born to Run" bio, and Bruce did not feel he could comfortably afford to buy a car until five years after "Born To Run"  at age 31.  

The more at stake at debates the more boring they are. And there has never been more at stake in a long time - since Nixon and Kennedy in 1960 - than tonight's debate, so it will probably be quite boring. 

So I am going out on a limb and predicting a game-changer. One of them showing up drunk. Or whacked out on pills, like Trump was in Mexico. A physical or mental breakdown, god forbid. A mistake so huge it almost ruins their campaign. 

Yes, this is wishful thinking, but it also my gut instinct. 

What is more bitter sweet than the last sip of coffee in the late morning?