Saturday, January 23, 2016

I am starting suspect that Jared Leto and I lead vastly different lives, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Caitlyn Jenner is writing her memoir on her transition to transgender. It’s titled; “How I Learned To Nag Myself.”

The East Coast snowstorm is screwing so many people, they’re changing its name from Jonas to Cosby. 

A Muslim school in England is in trouble for teaching their students how to stone someone. Big deal? Students at the University of Colorado have been getting taught how to get stoned for years. 

Donald Trump said he could shoot somebody and he would not lose voters. And if he shot Justin Bieber, he would gain voters. 

“TMZ” reports public sentiment over Oscar boycott is turning. The word whining is used. It is harsh when we live in a world that is not as sensitive to rich movie star’s troubles as it should be. 

“American Pie” songwriter, Don McClean, arrested for domestic assault. According to the report, McClean admitted “My hands were clinched in fists of rage.” 

In a “TMZ” survey, 76%  of 70,000 polled said the Oscar boycotters were “Whiney.” That is so racist. Oh, sorry, I thought it said Whitey, not Whiney. 

It turns out officials in Flint overlooked drinking water test results. Turns out Flint Michigan’s drinking supply was dirtier than Justin Bieber’s bong water. 

New York is in a huge snowstorm. For an extra $100 bucks, the hookers in Times Square will put the carrot on your snowman. 

Since you asked:

Hollywood insists on making remakes of great movies, like “Ghostbusters” and "The In-Laws" and “Brian’s Song” and “National Lampoon Family Vacation” and they are guaranteed to suck. Even if they are as good as the original - which they are not - they would still suck by comparison.

Remake horrible movies that should have been great movies. And the first horrible movie they should remake? Dan Jenkins’s classic football novel, “Semi-Tough.” 

Burt Reynolds’s ego destroyed the first attempt. Make the movie exactly like the book and it will be money, money, money. Go out and buy the rights to the novel. Doubt that would cost more than $25,000. (This is Hollywood money, remember?) 

The cast? Easy. Bradley Cooper as Billy Clyde Puckett, Jennifer Lawrence as Barbara Jane Bookman and Owen Wilson as Marvin “Shake” Tiller. 

Do I have to think of everything, Hollywood? 

Friday, January 22, 2016

The Arizona Cardinals and the Carolina Panthers game features a first-time-ever matchup of two Heisman Trophy winner QBs in Carson Palmer and Cam Newton. Unless you include the time Matt Leinart and Johnny Manziel played each other in their Fantasy league called "Draft Day Bombers."

Anheuser-Busch is sending 50,000 cans of water to Flint, Michigan for their water crisis. Technically they are cans of their Natural Light beer, but it is the same thing as water. 

35 restaurants in China were found guilty of spiking their food with opium to hook customers. It became obvious when the biggest seller was Kung Pao Poop. 

A surgeon claims he has successfully transplanted a monkey’s head onto a different monkey’s  body. The procedure is called a Trumpodectomy.  

There is a trend in Minnesota of placing frozen pants around town like they’re walking. Big deal. Hillary Clinton has been freezing her pants for years when she puts on her pants suits.

More reports surfacing that Hillary Clinton is rude to her Secret Service body guards. Now it makes sense that her Secret Service codename is Cankles. 

Mike Tyson is selling his Las Vegas mansion for $1.5 mil. According to Tyson (in high voice); “The manshion ish lishted to shell ash shoon ash poshible.”

Singer R. Kelley has come out in support of Bill Cosby. Which is like Paula Deen saying Mel Gibson is not a racist.

Tennis star, Andre Agassi, claims he never wore underwear when he played. And I thought the press was talking about his grammar when they said he had dangling participles. 

Since you asked:

The big snowstorm set to hit the East Coast is named Jonas. That’s because it is going to be more annoying than a boy band. It is going to make Yonkers so white it could be nominated for an Academy Award.

Here are the standard nicknames for snowstorms:




But here are some more snowstorm nickname ideas:

It could knock so many people out it could be called SnowCosby.

It will sweep over and cover up so much it will be called SnowTrumpHair.






And finally:


Thursday, January 21, 2016

Eagles - 'Wasted Time' (lyrics in description)

One could stand up paddle board on the spilled tears and chardonnay this song has caused
So you can get on with your search, baby, and I can get on with mine, and maybe one day we will find . . .  that it wasn’t really wasted time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Big snowstorms have nicknames like Snowmageddon, Snowpocalypse, Snowtastrophe. This snowstorm could be so white they’re calling it SnowOscars. 

When Sarah Palin endorsed Donald Trump, she kept pronouncing his “Art of the Deal” as "The art of the dill." Now Trump is in a real pickle. 

Big snowstorms have nicknames like Snowmageddon, Snowpocalypse, Snowtastrophe. This next storm could knock out so much and do so much damage, they’re calling it SnowCosby. 

The trendy new diet is called “The Taco Cleanse” where you eat tacos all day. This diet used to have another name: Explosive diarrhea. 

Caitlyn Jenner announced she is writing her memoir on her journey to transgender. Not positive, but I think the name of it is “The Road To Asking For Directions.” 

Big snowstorms have nicknames like Snowmageddon, Snowpocalypse, Snowtastrophe. This storm could sweep in and cover up so much they’re calling it SnowTrump-Hair. 

Since you asked:

All the time, people come up to me and they say; “Lexter, Lexicon, Lexadilla, Lexidocious, what do you think are the most underrated Eagle songs?” 

And by all the time, I mean not once ever. (And don't ever, ever call me Lexidocious again . . . )

Clearly the most underrated Eagles album is “Desperado.” So almost any song on this album outside of the hits, “Desperado” and “Tequila Sunrise”  qualify as underrated. But especially “Certain Kind of Fool” (Meisner) and “Saturday Night” (Henley).

Since the most underrated Eagle is Randy Meisner, I tend to lean to his songs, “Tryin’” on the first album and “Try and Love Again” on “Hotel California.”

But the song that is every bit as good as “Desperado” and “Best of My Love” and along the same lines, but never got its due, probably because of all the hits on "Hotel California," is “Wasted Time.”  (“Last Resort” on “The Long Run” is good too, but it is preachy, long and more of a history lesson) 

Now, I have not mentioned many of Frey’s songs as underrated, but that was part of his genius. Frey had (cannot believe that is past tense) such a Tom Petty/Bruce Springsteen/Neil Young-esque ear for hits, his songs did not often go underrated. But if I had to pick one, it would be “After the Thrill is Gone.” (Henley sings on it too)

Once again, “Wasted Time” is an Eagle song about the music industry disguised as a love song. Henley and Frey’s manic need for perfection was causing incredibly ridiculous studio delays and resulted in a lot of, you got it, wasted time. 

As always, you're welcome. 

Can someone in San Diego explain to me what has happened to Dave, Shelly and Chainsaw? I see that Jack FM is now morphed into KFM-BFM, but I do not know what that means and a Google search has not made it any clearer. Was a big "DSC" fan. 

This reminds me of when I tried to follow what happened to Grace Helbig. Grace Helbig - a YouTube sensation - was going to be the next Amy Schumer, I thought. 

First time I saw Grace was on "Funny Or Die" skit called something like "Signs You Are Not a Lady" and her good looks and talent were clear. Then she got "The Grace Helbig Show" on "E" and I thought she was on her way.

No, that show did not get picked up and Grace has slipped into the techno-nether regions of podcasts, streaming, obscure cable channels, video games, Kickstarter, Fan Fiction, Comic Con, Zebcon,  Lukazib, Mangaduzee, and other forms of ethereal app-online-babble. (Zebcon, Lukazib and Mangaduzee I just made up)

Please don't tell me this is a me-getting-older thang. Suddenly I feel like my Grandfather who referred to the phone as "That Machine."

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Amazon claims it’s delivery drones will be adapted for each city. In Chicago they will be prepared for high winds. In Seattle they’ll be water-proof from the rain. And in West Los Angeles they will have a thick skin that will be able to withstand withering hipster sarcasm.

Now, I don’t want to say the clip of Sarah Palin endorsing Donald Trump was scary, but Sarah made the bear-mauling in “The Revenant” look like the “Animal Planet” Puppy Bowl.  

“The Revenant” brought back a painful memory. No, I wasn’t mauled by a bear, but once at stop light, a soccer mom’s lap dog snarled at me.

Since you asked:

Talk about a silver lining. After Glenn Frey's passing, several old friends I have not heard from in years reached out to tell me they were thinking of me. So touching and thoughtful.

Eagles - Peaceful Easy Feeling - Live on BBC 1973

"Peaceful Easy Feeling" will always take me to the beach on a warm summer night in Grand Haven, Michigan with a bottle of Boones Farm Strawberry Hill and Becky Haskins when I discovered the wonders of bubblegum-flavored lip gloss and the front-clasped bra.

(Becky’s lip gloss and front-clasped bra. Not mine)

For me, the Eagles came along right after a Chicago winter that was like living in a black and white movie about a Russian gulag; the news was just as depressing with Vietnam, post-Watergate, crashing markets and gas lines. 

Suddenly, in the spring, came magical songs from California of peaceful easy feelings and taking it easy with witchy women and desperado tequila sunrises. And if I did not love those golden harmonies and ringing guitars enough, all the punk rock fans and East Coast music critics hated the Eagles making me love them even more. 

Thank you, Glenn Frey. We give you the best of our love. 

Supermodel Stephanie Seymour was charged with a DUI in Connecticut after she backed up her Land Rover and hit a Mercedes. This crime is so white it could be nominated for an Academy Award. 

Former Pittsburgh Steeler receiver, Antwaan Randle-El said he wishes he never played football because he is experiencing memory loss. When asked what he would have done instead, Randle-El said; “Instead of what?” 

They have invented a speaker that inserts into pregnant women’s vaginas so the unborn baby can hear music. So now a baby can hear the bands the Who or A-Ha while in the Hoo-Ha. 

Caitlyn Jenner is writing her memoir about her journey to transgender. It will probably be a case of “He said/She said.” 

Sarah Palin is endorsing Donald Trump. In other equally shocking news, somebody in Florida did something stupid. 

It was just a question of time until Palin would comb-over to Trump's side. 

People are boycotting the Oscars due to the lack of diverse nominees. I’m thinking of boycotting the Oscars. OK, fine, I was wait-listed as a seat filler. 

The Supreme Court is going to hear the case challenging President Obama’s immigration action. Donald Trump is threatening to build a wall around the Supreme Court. 

An ISIS magazine confirms executioner Jihadi John killed. Let’s go back. There is an ISIS magazine? When you subscribe do you get an alarm clock for your suicide bomb?

 I’m not a CIA operative, but how about if we get ahold of that subscribers list?

They don’t have a swimsuit edition, but they do have a wet burka contest. 

There is an ISIS magazine. They have a fold-out of the Infidel of the Month. 

Sarah Palin is endorsing Donald Trump. Is it just me or do Donald Trump and Sarah Palin look like the 1975 talk show hosts on “Good Morning, Omaha?” 

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Caitlyn Jenner is writing her memoir about her transition to transgender. We don’t know all the details, but we are pretty sure it won’t be a Pop-up book. 

There was a vote to ban Donald Trump from England. Bad idea. If you ban Trump it will encourage the more radicalized Trumps to sneak in. 

This is obviously a rough time for music lovers. David Bowie passed, the Eagles’ Glenn Frey passed. Justin Bieber is still making music.   

Supermodel, Stephanie Seymore, charged with a DUI after she put her car in reverse at a Connecticut stop sign, her Land Rover hit the Mercedes behind her. It was the worst case of rich-white on rich- white crime since Justin Bieber threw eggs at his neighbor’s mansion. 

There are no people of color Academy Award nominees. Hell, they could have nominated Yoda, at least he’s green. 

The Supreme Court is going to hear the case challenging President Obama’s immigration action. Donald Trump is threatening to build a wall around the Supreme Court. 

Since you asked:

Why was Sean Penn on “60 Minutes” defending a mass-murdering drug lord, El Chapo? 

Sean Penn has to be the most brilliant, liberal, thoughtful and sensitive high school drop-out who snorts coke, drinks like a fish, totes guns and tied a woman to a chair, Madonna, and beat her mercilessly. 

There are plenty of exceptions to Hollywood idiots like Penn. There are actors and directors who are genuinely smart like - despite his “Cops are murderers” slip -  Q. Tarantino is whip-smart, Natalie Portman, Al Franken, Matt Damon, Jody Foster, Mindy Kaling, Ken Joeng is a damn doctor, for crying-out-loud. Actor James Woods IQ clocks in at 184.

But after watching his interview on "60 Minutes,"  Sean Penn is a freaking idiot. Plus he has a terminal case of a coke, smoke and whisky tan. 

Monday, January 18, 2016

"Seven Bridges Road" (Live Version) by The Eagles (Lyrics included)

Bob Seger - Still The Same (live in San Diego '78)

This song is written about the late Glenn Frey. Cannot believe I am writing those words. My word. 

The recent passing of our best family friend and the illness of a close friend puts things in perspective. However . . . 

As a diehard Eagle fan, the news of Glenn Frey’s passing is tough. Everybody knows, without Glenn Frey, there would have been no Eagles. Period. That is a debt we will owe to Glenn Frey forever. 

In a lot of ways, growing up, the Eagles were my musical big brothers. They were as great for me as the Beatles, Stones and Led Zeppelin, but they seemed more accessible. More familiar. Suppose  it is because they looked like the cool kids in high school. 

Recently I was lucky enough to meet Glenn Frey's main musical collaborator, Jack Tempchin. (What a great guy) Got to tell him I fell in love to "Peaceful Easy Feeling" had my first heart-break to "Already Gone" played harmonica in public for the first time attempting to cover the saxophone solo on "The One You Love" and moved to New York and"You Belong to the City" became my theme.  

We then bro-hugged it out. 

The Eagles sold 120 million albums and won 8 Grammys. (In addition, they taught us that most East Coast rock critics were punk-rock-loving douche-bags)

In the homage to one of Glenn Frey's favorite songs, BB King's "Thrill Is Gone" on "After The Thrill Is Gone," Don Henley asks the musical question: "What do you do when your dreams come true, and they're not quite like you planned?"

All of Glenn Frey's dreams came true. Good for him.

Heaven is sounding much better these days. 

There are no African Americans nominated for the 20 actor Oscar categories. In an ironic blunder, Steve Harvey was nominated for an Academy Award but it turned out to be mistake.

Former Victoria Secret model, 47-year-old Stephanie Seymore, was charged with a DUI after she put her car in reverse at a stop sign and hit the car behind her. The man she hit was not hurt, but he will forever insist he rear-ended Stephanie Seymour. 

The first public masturbation booth has opened in New York City. Actually the second one. The first one was in Yonkers. 

New Jersey is bracing for a big winter storm. In a day or so, it could be whiter in Secaucus than the Oscar nominees. 

The first public masturbation booth has opened in New York City. It is a phone booth with a curtain, and it has a chair and a laptop that you should never, ever touch. 

“Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice” does not feature Bruce Wayne’s faithful ward, Dick Grayson. Faithful ward is a Sixties term for Life Partner. 

Google’s doodle featured a drawing of Martin Luther King Jr. Although I am not sure how accurate it is, it features King speaking into six GoPros on selfie sticks. 

Saturday was 1-16-16, or Happy National Dyslexia Day. Day National Happy Dyslexia. 

Tough loss for the Packers. Those Cardinal fans were happier than Bill Cosby on a casting couch.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Bonnie Raitt - Burning Down The House

Wally with the Clay Tres, So Nice They Named Him Thrice, Dude Cubed, Clay Matthews III Christmas ornament on his head.

Tough loss for the Packers. It is hard to play the home team and the refs at the same time.  Good win for the Cardinals. Those Cardinal fans are happier than Bill Cosby on a casting couch.