Ann Burrell is Guy Fieri but with a bigger penis

An Oregon man was arrested after trying to pay a prostitute with an exotic monkey. The prostitute said, “Who do you think you are? Justin Bieber?” 

In the season premiere of “Game of Thrones,” Jon Snow is dead, but then he might not be dead later on. They got the idea from Lamar Odom. What? 

Ted Cruz and John Kasich are teaming up. “That is an odd couple,” said Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts. 

A woman who looks just like Ted Cruz will star in a porn film. The title of the porn film is “Ewww.”  

The title of the porn film is “They Don’t Make Enough Viagra.” 

Beyonce dropped a surprise album called “Lemonade.” It is in retaliation of Jay Z’s cheating on her. Look for Jay Z’s next album: “My Ass is Grass.” 

Since you asked:

We are sitting under the hairdryer today and ragging on tiny TV beyatches with ‘tude. (Warning: we gets us our sass on up in here)

Is anyone, and I mean anyone, surprised to find out Kelly Ripa - behind the scenes - is a red hot scorching bitch? Michael Strahan can get along with the most out-sized egos on the planet with Jimmy Johnson, Howie Long and Terry Bradshaw on “Fox NFL” but he couldn’t take Ripa anymore. 

Speaking of petite nightmares, I think we all knew pedaphile-pandering Ariana Grande was insufferable, the licking the donuts and saying how much she hates Americans was just the other saddle shoe to drop.

While we are on a theme of pint-sized pains, do not confuse the woman Jay Z had an affair with, Rachel Roy, the hot fashion designer, with the Rocky the Squirrel cooking prima donna, vile shrew, Rachael Ray. 

From valet parkers, to waiters to everyone on her set, all agree Rachel Ray is a nuclear little ball of seething bitterness. Which is made a billion times worse by how bubbly and perky she is when the camera is on. Nothing worse than a cooking show hypocrite. Right Martha Stewart and Paula Deen? 

In case you haven’t noticed, all the cooking contest shows are very incestious. You see a lot of the same people on “Iron Chef" and “The Next Food Network Star,” “Beat Bobby Flay” and “Chopped.” 

Rachel Ray is almost never on any of those shows. RR is even more of a PMS psycho than Ann Burrell. By the way, could Ann Burrell be more coked up? I keep waiting for her to say, “Say ‘ello to my leeetle friend.” 

Speaking of coked up, Billy Idol-haired, talentless egotistical douche bags, has anyone ever seen Guy Fieri and Ann Burrell in the same room? 

Is Ann Burrell really Guy Fieri but with a bigger penis? Trick question. Nobody is a bigger dick than Guy Fieri.