Spanking Dagmar is my new band, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

And the disclosure that Cam Newton was hurt in the Super Bowl will happen in four . . . three . . . two . . . 

Did Cam Newton have a bad Super Bowl? Did Amber Rose have to wash her hands after a date with Kanye West? 

A man threw an alligator into a Wendy’s drive-through window. As a result he was named Florida Citizen of the Month. 

Donald Trump quoted an audience member in calling Ted Cruz a pussy. Upon hearing that, the fur on that thing on Trump’s head stood up. 

“Sports Illustrated’s” swimsuit edition is coming soon. With “Playboy” no longer featuring nude women and “Penthouse” not making a magazine, “Sports Illustrated’s” swimsuit edition will send more teenage boys to the bathroom than Taco Bell and Chipotle combined. 

The NFL announced it will ban any prospect from the player combine who are charged with sexual assault, domestic violence or weapons charges. This just in: the NFL has cancelled their player combine.

Budweiser is denying they paid Peyton Manning to say their name during his post-game interview. Although I am not sure. Peyton rode back to the team hotel on a Clydesdale.

Before the Super Bowl, who would have guessed Lady Gaga’s makeup artist would put on a gutsier performance than Cam Newton? But her eyelids did boldly match her sparkly red dress.

Super Bowl viewers were scared by Mountain Dew’s commercial featuring a puppy-monkey-baby. It proves combining three good things doesn’t always work. A lesson I learned the hard way from  my horseradish, maple syrup and caviar ice cream.