Anheuser-Busch is sending 50,000 cans of water to Flint, Michigan for their water crisis. Technically they are cans of their Natural Light beer, but it is the same thing as water. 

35 restaurants in China were found guilty of spiking their food with opium to hook customers. It became obvious when the biggest seller was Kung Pao Poop. 

A surgeon claims he has successfully transplanted a monkey’s head onto a different monkey’s  body. The procedure is called a Trumpodectomy.  

There is a trend in Minnesota of placing frozen pants around town like they’re walking. Big deal. Hillary Clinton has been freezing her pants for years when she puts on her pants suits.

More reports surfacing that Hillary Clinton is rude to her Secret Service body guards. Now it makes sense that her Secret Service codename is Cankles. 

Mike Tyson is selling his Las Vegas mansion for $1.5 mil. According to Tyson (in high voice); “The manshion ish lishted to shell ash shoon ash poshible.”

Singer R. Kelley has come out in support of Bill Cosby. Which is like Paula Deen saying Mel Gibson is not a racist.

Tennis star, Andre Agassi, claims he never wore underwear when he played. And I thought the press was talking about his grammar when they said he had dangling participles. 

Since you asked:

The big snowstorm set to hit the East Coast is named Jonas. That’s because it is going to be more annoying than a boy band. It is going to make Yonkers so white it could be nominated for an Academy Award.

Here are the standard nicknames for snowstorms:

Snowmageddon.

Snowpocalypse

Snowtastrophe.

But here are some more snowstorm nickname ideas:

It could knock so many people out it could be called SnowCosby.

It will sweep over and cover up so much it will be called SnowTrumpHair.

Snowsunami 

Snowisastor

Snowiasco

Snowantrum

Snowlamity. 

And finally:

Snowsapalooza.