Saturday, October 03, 2015

How is this degree of contrast even possible in the same world? 

A man in Denver received $900 in Botox and ran out of the medical office without paying. Witnesses said the man looked ecstatic. Or angry. Or scared, or sad, they couldn’t tell.

A man in Canada has pled guilty to trespassing, doing the laundry, dishes, feeding the cat and writing in the homeowner’s diary. Even the burglars in Canada are polite.

Donald Trump said the Oregon shooting is not a gun problem, it is a mental health problem. And then the thing on Trump’s head started foaming at the mouth.

Here are four of my 25 birthday card submissions:

Outside: Happy Birthday. No matter how old you are today . . .

Inside:  . . . next year, you’ll wish you were this age, you ungrateful bastard.

Outside: Happy Birthday. This year you are better looking, smarter and sexier.

Inside: Wow, I guess people do get more gullible as they get older.

Outside: May you receive the best birthday present of all: the gift of giving a random kindness.

Inside: But a Ferrari would be pretty bitchin’ too.

Outside: Happy Birthday. They say even politicians, ugly buildings and whores get respectable with age.

Inside: Mark my words, one day we will be saying Keith Richards looks good for his age.

Since you asked: 

What I know I know I know. (And some things I don’t)

Granted, I am not an expert on the movie bidness. But how in the hell is it possible for Paul Walker, who died in 2013, to keep showing up in “The Fast and The Furious” movies?

Members on my underrated list? As great as they were, Paul Newman, Stones guitarist, Mick Taylor and Minnesota Vikings running back, Chuck Foreman. (He was Marshall Faulk before there was Marshall Faulk)

Members of my overrated list? (Before anyone gets their drawers in a twist, these are still great folks, just, in my mind, overrated) John Lennon, Jim Morrison, Muhammad Ali and John F. Kennedy. Most overrated band of all time? Kiss.

Believe me, I like Steven Colbert and I hope his show does well, no monologue regardless. But his goofy-ass dancing before the show with that guy dancing and playing the plastic tootie-horn? Beyond painful. Would Johnny Carson act-the-fool with Doc? Dave with Paul?

Seth Meyers has a great monologue. Kudos to his writing team. Love the delivery and news anchor style, too.

Friday, October 02, 2015

US women’s soccer goalie, Hope Solo, will face domestic violence charges after a court reversed itself. It’s bad. When it’s done, Solo could qualify as an NFL player.

A man in Canada has pled guilty to trespassing, doing the laundry and feeding the cat and writing in the homeowner’s diary. If he had rearranged the furniture, it would have been the gayest crime in history.

A word-association poll claims the words associated with Donald Trump are “idiot,” “jerk”, “stupid,” and “dumb.” Trump is suing the poll with his law firm; “Bitter, Nasty, Angry and Petty.

For the first time in six years, NFL players went an entire month without getting arrested. To be fair, a lot of them can’t get arrested if they’re already in prison.

In Spain, Burger King has made it’s own wine they call “The Whopper Wine.” The wine is so good, when you drink it, you’re no longer creeped-out by the Burger King King.

Three more women have accused Bill Cosby of sexual assault bringing the total to 44. 50 and Cosby sets a Guinness World record.

The New York Jets are packing their own toilet paper to bring to London to play the Miami Dolphins Sunday. Big deal. The New England Patriots travel with their own toilet paper. It has pictures of Roger Goodell on it.

Thursday, October 01, 2015

Imagine - Jack Johnson

Gerry Rafferty - Baker Street (UK)

Sports Update:

Now Tom Brady is backing off from endorsing Donald Trump. See, I thought Trump’s ego was too inflated for Brady’s liking.

The Houston Astros, Evan Gattis hit a home run against the Texas Rangers with just one hand. The only team that has been batting with one hand has been the Washington Nationals and that’s because the other hand is on their throat.

Prosecutors have decided not to charge Caitlyn Jenner in the Malibu crash. Well if that isn’t the most sexist thing I’ve ever heard. Bruce Jenner, the dude, gets in a crash and they investigate him; he becomes a woman and now it is all; "Don’t worry your pretty little head about it, Caitlyn darling."

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Doctors are warning the new male hairstyle a “Man-bun” can lead to baldness. And a there’s a 100% chance a man-bun will lead to douche-bagginess.

OJ Simpson almost killed himself in Kim Kardasian’s childhood bedroom before the White Bronco chase. Can you imagine? Something beneficial to society almost happened in a Kardashian bedroom.

A college in Utah has banned Man-Buns on campus. But the Man-Buns are allowed inside the classroom of Douche-Bags 101.

Republican candidate, Jeb Bush believes the Washington Redskins should not change their name. And if there is someone who has thought long and hard about changing his name, it is Jeb Bush.

Twitter is planning to allow users to go beyond the 140 character limit. Yeah, because that was what was wrong with Twitter, people not yammering enough.

Whole Foods is laying off 1500 workers. But Whole Foods told the fired workers not to worry, they will be organically, locally, seasonally and sustainably fired.

Whole Foods is laying off 1500 workers. It was that or lower the price of their grapes by $20-a-pound, and they weren’t going to do that.

A Washington State man, high on meth, shot himself in the groin and the bullet lodged in his scrotum. Authorities have no choice but to extradite him to Florida.

The Chicago Cubs are in the playoffs. When asked to comment, a Cub fan said; “Well, there is always next year . . . wait, what?”

Since you asked:

Dear Anthony Bourdain;

Just watched a “Best of” your show “Parts Unknown.” While I used to consider myself a fan, listen up, you smug, no-talent, snotty, Herman Munster-looking, ex-junkie, alcoholic egomaniac.

You made me listen to you talk about how hard you work and how wonderful you are? You won the goddamn lottery of jobs. You get paid a fortune to do the only four things you are remotely good at: drink, eat, swear and travel. Most of us have to wait for vacation from real jobs to do those things.

Sure, you fancy yourself Hemingway incarnate, but you can’t talk for one minute without dropping an F-bomb. For someone who considers themselves an intellectual, my dog, Wally, has about as much education as you do.

Look, I used to have nothing but pride and envy for someone, like you, who has the balls to snag a dream job, but then to have to listen to you complain about how hard the job is nearly made me puke my Trader Joe’s chicken fried rice.

Right now, Anthony, the hatred I have for you is beyond what inspires an entire Turkish prison to gang-rape a snitch to death.

Have a nice day.

You pal,