Friday, September 11, 2015

My thoughts are with my two friends and co-workers from Hilliard Farber and Co. on Wall Street, Mike "Doc" Driscoll and Vincent "Vinny Boom-Batz" Abate. Both great, funny guys who would give you the shirts off their backs. That is not a metaphor. They would take off their shirts and give them to you.

"Doc" made it out of the towers, Vinny did not.

Back to jokes:

On a Norwegian Air flight from Paris to Stockholm, a flight attendant got on the intercom and congratulated a couple for joining the Mile High club. It was awkward when the woman involved said; “Now if he could just join the Minute Long club.”

Hillary Clinton has vowed to make her campaign more spontaneous, hip and humorous. Today Hillary said she is going to emoji a meme on the tweeter thing.

Hillary Clinton has vowed to make her campaign more spontaneous, hip and humorous. Why does Hillary suddenly remind me of the girl in high school at the make-out party trying to start a game of Charades?

A health study listed the top ten killers in the world and drinking was #10. Bars across the country are now offering “Not in the Top Nine” drink specials.

A health study listed the top ten killers in the world and smoking was #1. “Oh, shoot. Well, maybe next year,” said injecting heroin into eyeballs.

A Texas woman was somewhat crass

Her body-search she did not pass

She hid a gun in her snatch

Which the police did catch

‘Cause she sneezed and bullets shot out her ass.

Since you asked:

Watching the big first game of the season and here is what occurred. The four-time Super Bowl champs New England Patriots are mostly known, outside of their Kool Aid-drinking Patriots fans, for their shameless cheating.

Tom Brady threw the equipment managers under the bus and got off for Deflategate because he refused to tell the truth, i.e. he lied. Why else would he destroy his cell phone? Remember, Tom terrific is the guy who cheated on his pregnant girlfriend with a super model. And then dumped said pregnant girlfriend before the baby was born.

And their former tight end, Aaron Hernandez, is in prison for murder.

And that is the good guy’s side of the ball.

The Pittsburgh Steeler QB, Ben Roethlisberger was twice charged with assault and rape and settled out of court both times. (Which means he did it both times) He did not just rape the very young girls, he also beat them up. That is Jim Brown type stuff. How is Ben not in prison?

Prison, like where Roethlisburger’s backup, Michael Vick, was for torturing and murdering puppies for dog fights.

And including all this, the game was a sh*t show. Steelers coach’s headsets go out, surprise, surprise, surprise. Patriots cheating on defense. Steelers coach kicking a Patriot fan – although nobody really blames him. Next to Raiders and Eagles fans, they are the worst.

Let’s give a quick update to an historical list of Nike’s top athletes. Most of whom had their own shoe and clothing line.

Lance Armstrong. Stripped of all titles due to drug cheating and lying about it. Even more despicable was his ruining the lives of people who told the truth about him.

Tiger Woods. Once promoted as the All American husband and father, he is now the All American cliché of a sleazy and horny washed-up pro athlete who gets his zipper caught in every waitress he does not tip.

Kobe Bryant. Charged with sexual assault (rape) and settles out of court. Despised by every single person who has ever played with him or coached him.

Ben Roethlisburger. Charged with sexual assault (rape and beating) twice, settles out of court twice.

Michael Vick. Convicted felon accused of torturing and killing puppies for dog fighting.

Oscar Pistorius. Shoots his girlfriend four times. Does a few months in a club fed. And to think they said his case did not have a leg to stand on.

Ray Rice. Punches his fiancé harder than he ever hit a linebacker.

Adrian Peterson. Punishes his four-year-old son worse (drawing bloody welts) than he has ever punished a linebacker.

And now to the nicer folks who didn’t actually cause physical or severe psychological harm intentionally to others.

Suzy Favor Hamilton. Under-achieving Olympic choker turned Las Vegas hooker. (No word on if she still chokes) Her motto? Just Do It for $600-an-hour.

Alberto Salazar. (Whom they named the athletic/track building) He has been accused of - and is being investigated for - giving his athletes performance enhancing drugs.

Alex Rodriguez. Two time steroid cheat and 1,000 time liar. 

And then the endless parade of Nike’s domestic abusers, drug cheats and drunk drivers goes on like one of those infinity barbershop mirrors.

Here’s what Nike should do:

After writing me a check for $100,000 to eat a giant piece of shut-the-hell-up pie, they should grab Decathlon World Record holder, Ashton Eaton, by all accounts an incredibly great example of talent, class, hard work and sportsmanship, and build a marketing shrine to that guy for the next Olympics.

Not only a shrine to Eaton, but an overall historical love letter to the Decathlon and the incredible Olympic gold medal winning athletes who have competed in it. Thorpe, Davis, Mathias, Campbell, Johnson, Toomey, Jenner, OBrien, Clay and Eaton. 

Everyone I know and love, when given half a chance, falls in love with the Decathlon/Heptathlon. The greatest people I have ever known trained in Santa Barbara under the greatest coach who ever lived: Sam Adams. Let's give other people that chance to develop that passion and set it up fora proper celebration at Rio's Olympics.

(For an extra $132,000, I would work on the campaign as a consultant)

Match Ashton up to compete in physical contests with other great athletes. For example, have Ashton do the NFL combine. Jaded, cynical old NFL coaches jaws would drop.

By the time they are done, the words Ashton Eaton and Nike would go hand-in-hand with pure athletic class instead of Nike representing slave-child labor, sleazebag agents and everything that is wrong in both our sports world and our culture, like it does now.

Nike is in desperate need of salvation through class, and Eaton and the Decathlon are the best ways to Just Do It.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

If the NFL has sense of humor ounce one, when the kicker tees up the ball for tonight's Steelers-Patriots game, the ball should shrivel on the tee like a leaking balloon. 

Donald Trump is in hot water this time for insulting Carly Fiorina’s face to “Rolling Stone” magazine. To her credit, Fiorina did not counter attack by comparing Trump’s face to the crabby apple tree on “The Wizard of Oz.”

It is hot. It is so hot in Las Vegas, Floyd Mayweather is scheduling another fight with Manny Pacquiao just to feel the breeze from his missed punches.

At the rally for anti-gay marriage Kentucky clerk, Kim Davis’s release from jail, they played “Eye of the Tiger.” Which is ironic because the “Eye of the Tiger” is an iconic gay sex act that costs an extra $500 in most gay brothels.

A 30-year-old woman in Waco Texas, stopped for a traffic drug bust, had a loaded pistol in her vagina. Even Florida thinks that’s crazy.

This woman put the Gangsta in G-spot.

A rare pink dolphin was sighted off the coast of Louisiana. And already Kim Davis wants to keep the pink dolphin from getting married.

Former Olympic runner, Suzy Favor Hamilton, has written a book about her secret career as a Las Vegas hooker. The former Nike athlete’s motto was “Just Do It. For $600 an Hour.”

Hillary Clinton has vowed to make her campaign more spontaneous and humorous. She made this announcement via an automated pre-recording.

Hillary Clinton has vowed to make her campaign more spontaneous and humorous. For example:

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?


Hillary who?

Hillary who wants to be president so bad, mark her words, bodies will go missing. Hahahahahahah.

Since you asked:

Donald Trump insults Carly Fiorina’s face to “Rolling Stone” magazine and then, the next day, said he did not insult her face. Trump is the fat little kid with chocolate all over his mouth who said he did not eat the candy bar. (Picture Stilwell Angel in “League of their Own”)

Believe me, I love Trump being in the campaign. It Trumps my hatred of him as an awful human being. And I get why he is leading the polls. People like the idea of a self-made rich, tough guy saying whatever the hell comes to his mind and thumbing his nose at corrupt politicians.

Here is the problem: Trump is nothing like a self-made, tough rich guy. He is a spoiled rich brat who was bullied. And now he wants to bully people back. There is simply nothing worse. He was born with a silver spoon in his fat face and he was the last kid picked for every sport. Now he is pretending to be the cool kid. He virtually explodes with self-satisfaction every time he talks.

Trump was a bratty rich bastard who needed to be straightened out. That is what military schools are designed for. For Trump to compare that to being in the military is like Paris Hilton comparing herself to Meryl Streep because she was in a Carl’s Jr. commercial.

Bullies, like Trump, are cowards and cowards are always found out. When the public figures out Trump is not tough, but a weakling and a liar, they will dump Trump faster than Trump declares bankruptcy.  

My prediction? Biden V. Romney.