Saturday, May 09, 2015

Happrageey Motherahdorah Dadooohrahy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

When I was six-years-old, my family went on our first ski trip. Usually skiing meant driving up to the Telemark or Wilmot ski area in Wisconsin from our suburban Chicago home and back in the same day. This time, however, we stayed the weekend in the large and fancy cabin-in-name-only of our rich friends, the Smyths.

In the cabin, they had a stuffed elephant foot. Don’t ask me how or why I remember that. But they had one. Probably bagged on a safari by rich Mr. Smyth. 

Among the weekend ski guests was a considerably older woman of the age of ten named Sarah. Sarah had long, sandy brown hair and she was beautiful. My crush on her was surpassed only by her unabashed disdain for me. (In Sarah's defense, I am sure I pestered the holy crap out of her) 

This was a couple of years before my friends taught me we were supposed to hate girls. To say I was crushed by Sarah's lack of a crush was a crushing understatement. 

On the long ride home looking out at the endless snow-frosted dark  fields with their lonely white farm houses on a bitter cold February Sunday night, I did not say one single word. (This was highly unusual) All I could do was endlessly torture myself by thinking about Sarah. And thinking about how cruel and evil a world it was that would allow Sarah not to like me back.

Finally my mother turned around and said;

“Alex, I have a little secret I am not supposed to tell you. You know, Sarah? Well, she told me not to tell you, but she really, really likes you. But you can't tell anyone. She's a little embarrassed because, well, you are so much younger than she is. But she really likes you.”

It was, of course, a lie. I knew it was a lie. My mother knew I knew it was a lie.

But in her magical way that only mothers can, it instantly made me feel one hundred percent better.

I miss you every day, Mom. So does Virg. (My lovely wife, Virginia) You would be so proud of our daughter, your granddaughter, Ann Caroline. She's named after you. As I have always been, I am so proud of you. 

Would it have killed me to tell my Mom I was proud of her more often? 

Happy Mother’s Day, Slats and Nugs.

In Yellowstone, a mama bear chased a group of tourists, but nobody was hurt. Because the bear did not fight, it is scheduled to face Floyd Mayweather in June.

Floyd Mayweather called Manny Pacquiao a coward. Mayweather has boxing dyslexia. You’re supposed to talk trash, throw punches and then say nice things. Mayweather said nice things, threw no punches and is now talking trash.

The NFL is considering suspending Tom Brady for the deflated footballs. The only athletes who should be suspended for having deflated balls are Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao.

Speaking of deflated balls . . . 

New York Yankee, Alex Rodriguez, hit his 661st home run passing Willy Mays for fourth place. I’ve seen the public not care about things before, but this is the most the public has not cared about something since Vanilla Ice announced his comeback.

Since you asked;

ESPN fires Bill Simmons for speaking his mind, but they keep a cashier abuser, Britt McHenry, many times cocaine and sex assault charged, Michael Irvin, and a double-murder charged Ray Lewis, on the payroll. ESPN now stands for Employing Sociopaths, Predators and the Nefarious.

A female Seattle hotel clerk said Seahawks rookie, Frank Clark, threatened to hit her like he hit his girlfriend. Authorities have no choice but to ask ESPN to hire Clark.

All golf announcers, before they speak, should ask themselves: "Is this easy to say with a microphone in my hand instead of a club?" 

Am I the only one the 17th island green at Sawgrass for The Players Championship makes hungry because it looks like a bone-in rib-eye? That hole has more balls in the water than a men's water polo tournament. This is the Island Green for the geographically challenged. It is an isthmus. 

Has anyone ever seen Chloe Moretz and Elle Fanning in the same room at the same time? 

Watching the Player's Championship and they talk about players with the yips, like Kevin Na, who just can't finish hitting the ball. That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever . . .  what I mean is, I cannot believe that someone cannot finish what they . . . it is absolutely silly to think that something like that could . . . 

Welcome all Conaco lawyers and writers . . . 

For $99.99, you can get Gary Koch's Tiger Woods T.P.C. call "Better than most" played on a loop in your bedroom.

Every conversation I have ever heard between a caddy and his golfer sounds like an O.C.D. convention. The grass, the wind, the distance, the temperature, the hole placement, the ball, the lie, the gallery, the club, the swing, the score, the fairway, the green, the line, the traps, the hills. Rainman would have been one hell of a caddy. 

It rained hard in Southern California. In Malibu, it actually washed Bruce Jenner inside a Hooter’s restaurant.

ESPN announcer, Bill Simmons, was fired from ESPN. If Simmons really wanted to keep his job at ESPN, he should have insulted a tow-truck cashier on camera.

“Modern Family” star, Sofia Vergara, announced she got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Either that or she said she bought a car early bird stalker shame. 

Floyd Mayweather is now backing down from his comment about a rematch with Manny Pacquiao. It wasn’t enough for Mayweather to back down from the actual fight, now he is also backing down from his statement about the rematch.

A Florida man is suing the hospital that threw his amputated leg into the garbage. I would predict he will win the lawsuit, but I don’t want to go out on a limb.

There is a new app called KardBlock that will block everything about the Kardashians. Well, except when one of the Kardashians discovers the cure for cancer, that will show up.

In Florida, a 45-year-old female principal of a Charter school was caught partially undressed in a marijuana-smoke-filled car with an 18-year-old male student.  This was a charter school. If was a mere public Florida school, she would have been naked with a 16-year-old student smoking meth.

The al Qaeda terrorist in charge of the Charlie Hedbo Muhammad cartoon attack was killed by a US drone. Who else is picturing a cartoon with a mushroom cloud and the word “Kaboom”?

Thursday, May 07, 2015

An NFL investigation proves Tom Brady did know about the deflated balls, so now Tom Brady is in trouble. And yet, somehow I don’t think Tom will lose any sleep-with-a-super-model over this.

An NFL report reveals Tom Brady knew about the deflated footballs. It is important to teach your children cheaters never win. Except for the Super Bowl. And Lance Armstrong’s seven Tour De France wins. And George W. Bush’s 2000 presidential election. And Barry Bonds’s home run records. But besides that.

Hooters is featuring a Mother’s Day special where moms get a free meal with a drink order. This is the Hooter’s “Mothers, You Have Utterly Failed As a Parent” special.

Since you asked:

By no means am I a Belichick/Brady hater, but I am also not a fan.

Having said that, this Deflate Gate is a thorough waste of time.  Let it go.

My god, NFL, next season you will probably have two known rapists starting at quarterback. (Winston and two-time-rapist, Roethlisberger) A known child abuser at running back (Peterson) and god knows how many women beaters, drunk drivers and drug abusers.

You have second-year players who can't remember their pin numbers due to C.T.E.

Balls that need a couple pounds of air are the least of your problems.

If the balls were not legal, that responsibility falls to the refs who handle them on each and every play.

The Prince and Princess of England, Kate and William, named their baby the classy Charlotte Elizabeth Diana. Hear that American parents? No incredibly annoying names like Kale, Montana, Topher, Tristan, Kristellian, Pear, Brooklania, Biscuit and Scarlottus.