Saturday, October 11, 2014

Madonna - Like A Virgin (video)

Kid Rock - Born Free [OFFICIAL VIDEO]

Am I the only one who notices a melody similarity between these two? 

Wednesday, October 08, 2014

Top Ten Worst Speed Date Openers

“Want to see a picture of my wife and kids?”
“Does this look infected to you?”
“You remind me of my Aunt Gertie. She’s the heavy one.”
“Just went to the bathroom and man, oh, man did that burn.”
“Is my left or right testicle the big one? Oh, yeah, right.”
“So have you heard about this whole flossing thing?”
“Not sure what you’ve heard about me, but I am not paranoid. Why? What have you heard?”
“The term sex-offender is so broad these days.”
“Convicted of a felony? No, never convicted.”

“Hello, my name is Bruce. Bruce Jenner.”

Tuesday, October 07, 2014

The F.B.I. is requesting help from the public to identify this man in the ISIS videos who speaks with a North American accent. I'm going to take a wild guess and say it is Ben Affleck.

(we kid the Ben Affleck…)

Monday, October 06, 2014

There is all kinds of speculation as to what has happened to Kim Jong Un. Has anyone checked Dennis Rodman’s man cave?

It is hot in LA. I am sweating like Ben Affleck in a Synagogue.
In a discussion of the terrorist group, ISIS, Ben Affleck became furious at Bill Maher for stereotyping Muslims as terrorists. You could practically hear the producers of “Gone Girl” muttering “Please shut up, Ben.”
Of course it is wrong to say all Muslims are terrorists. That would be like saying all movies are as bad as “Gigli.”

Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively are expecting. No word on what the baby’s name will be, but I am betting on Hashtag Free Range Oven Mitt.

The Secret Service allowed President Obama to ride in an elevator with an armed ex-convict. It was considered the scariest elevator ride ever without Beyonce’s sister Solange or Ray Rice.

Raven Symone*, who is living with her girlfriend, told Oprah she does not want to be labeled gay or African American. The correct term is: Hammy, Horrible Actress.

At Dodger Stadium, Larry King has seats right behind home plate. King hasn’t had seats that good since he cheered for the Christians to beat the lions in the Roman Coliseum.
Since you asked:
These truck commercials during the playoff games are making me question my manhood. Not once have I even come close to pulling a train engine out of the mud.
Although I admit I am not a baseball expert, can someone explain to me why the San Francisco Giants are playing the Walgreens baseball team?

Although I admit he is a talented player, I am not a fan of the Washington Nationals’ Bryce Harper. He looks like a cartoon character of every smug, egomaniacal jock who ever hung a nerd from their underwear on a locker hook. That self-satisfied, brat’s, err, I mean Bryce’s face is just begging to be slapped. He looks like every skateboarder who delights in scaring pedestrians by coming too close. Tell that punk to get off my lawn.

* Re: Raven Symone. Since it has been a whole month since I have mentioned I attended the press day at the last Super Bowl held in San Diego, I will mention that Raven Symone was also there with a film crew. She was amazing to watch. 
The split second the camera lights went on, her face beamed and she was the absolute picture of cheerful exuberance. She launched effortlessly into her patented over-acting, hammy/corny style that her Disney fans have come to expect.  

The split second the camera went off, she screamed like the crazed diva witch she is at her crew chastising their every single move and threatening to fire people with each take. 

Thus was created the greatest inside joke in Hollywood with the title of her show "That's So Raven." 

How many times have we heard of tales of gay icons, like Madonna and Barbra Streisand, coming in contact with their most ardent and loyal fans only to eviscerate them with their vile and poisonous personalities? Raven is a mini gay icon who did that to the poor guy who wrote a website dedicated to her for five years. 

Sunday, October 05, 2014

For those who missed it, here is the sneak peak at Apple's iPhone 7. It's features include:

Bigger than the iPhone 6

Cannot be broken if dropped

Re-charges itself

Cannot ever cause an automobile accident

Cannot be lost or stolen

No need for expensive apps

No dropped calls ever

No hacking of naked pictures

Sleek new simplified application. Talking to other people only. 

“Jeopardy” had a category “What women want” that was considered sexist. And not to hit this too hard, but if there is one thing Alex Trebek does not know? It’s what a woman wants.

The singer, Paul Revere, founder of Paul Revere and the Raiders” passed away. This was hard on Larry King, this is the second Paul Revere he’s lost.

Johnny Manziel said he is considering calling Jameis Winston to give him advice on how to handle the media. That’s like gasoline giving a bonfire advice on how to go out.

The head of the Secret Service, Julia Pierson, resigned. She is going to be appointed as the NFL's couple therapist. 

The voices in the Apple commercials for iPhone 6 are Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake. Because, you know, they needed the gig.

My new HP sign: Hunter Pence is an unrepentant hipster.

Week five in the wild and whacky NFL  - where NFL stands for Nothing Figures Logically - teams have divided themselves into three categories: the good, the bad and the ugly.
The good are the Seahawks, Packers, Colts, Eagles, Broncos, Bengals, Lions, Cardinals and Chargers. And what do all of these teams have in common? You got it. A great quarterback with protection.
The Patriots, Saints, Bears, Vikings, Dolphins, have gone from good to bad. The Giants from bad to good. The Panthers can go from good to bad to good depending on how Cam Newton is feeling. The Cowboys have gone from ugly to good. Forty Niners from good to “What the hell?”

(This just in: The Patriots just destroyed the undefeated Bengals. This just proved this years NFL season is the equivelent of predicting when a zoo monkey will throw poop at the crowd) 

The Patriots are good again.
Raiders, Jets, Jaguars are plain, flat-out ugly. Rosie O'Donnell's crying-face ugly. Buffalo has moved from bad to good.. Like the Cowboys, the Browns and Buccaneers have shot two spots from ugly to good. Rams and Titans are bad, but not ugly.
Speaking of ugly, the latest trend in pro sports are big, bushy, long beards. In fact, I have not seen this many beards since the boy band One Direction took female dates to the Emmy Awards. (Parents explain this to your children)
Guys, like or not, pro athletes are Jocks who are close cousins to Bros. While some Bros have turned into pretentious Hipsters creating Brosters, Jocks cannot be Hipsters. Period. That is jumping two spots. Hipsters have long beards. Ergo, jocks have to lose the long beards.
The new skirts-on-the-receivers rules are not merely hurting the NFL's game. They have stripped the game nekkid and bent it over a log while banjo music is playing. 
Here is a fun, dirty little secret I have learned from following so many comedians on Twitter and Facebook. You know those real-life people in commercials and in talk show skits and remote pieces? The ones picked seemingly at random to answer a quiz or try a product or taste a food or beverage? They are all, every single one of them, professional comedians, comedy writers and actors.
From their studio apartments and or ranch houses in Echo Park, Toluca Lake, Studio City, Pasadena, Burbank and North Hollywood, these are people who make their living doing stand up, writing jokes, filming commercials or, usually, all three.
Picture Sarah Silverman and Seth Rogan only not famous. They are good looking, but not models, single, drive Prius’s, wear wool hats, are politically liberal, they have strong opinions on coffee, pasta and wine and they use locally grown, sustainable, organic and seasonal products when they cook. They eat a lot of kale and brown rice. Many are vegetarians who cheat with a steak now and again.
And they drink and smoke pot. A lot. And they detest cocaine. Unless somebody offers it to them. 
They range from doing extremely well – they own their own eco-friendly house with a pool in Laurel Canyon and they vacation in Kauai or Italy - to needing a second job waiting tables and they live with at least one roommate. They have a cat or a small dog or both. The cat is probably named Chloe or Joshua. The dog is a small female named Sasha. And they have at least one tattoo. And they have several gay friends, or several straight friends if they are gay.
One of the signs these comedian/actors have made it big? Instead of traveling from gigs by car, they are now flying back and forth from New York to Los Angeles. A sign they have made it really big? They fly first class or in a private jet.

And when they do make it big, they all lie about how great it was when they were poor.