Saturday, July 12, 2014

Ian Darke: 

That was a great World Cup game, now let’s take it back to the ESPN studio and our host, Bob Ley.

Bob Ley: 

Thank you, Ian, I want to go straight to our Brazilian star, Gilberto Silva, and ask him what he thought of the game.


Well, in me opinion et was a game when zah players was around zeh midilion and wanze dis happen you have no pasinos in zah complanos so it is wery, um, how you say? Mayonase.

Alexi Lala: 

Wait, did he just say mayonnaise?

Bob Ley: 

Yes, Gilberto, could you expand on your position on where Brazil has to go from here?


Well, in zeez country, the futbol is eat and breatherey so ees wary important now we zink about zay foothere and not make any, how you say, uncomplicomuncated tranziforms. Zah are 800 club teams in Brahzeel, so we should have a sauze of scallions to vermicify.

Alexi Lala: 

OK, I got nothing. I think he said he made a sauce of scallions. 

Bob Ley:

Gilberto, how is this Brazil team different than the World Cup champion team you played for?


Zah two teams are vastly contrastable in zat zah strategies are uncompleanous. Marasadonaas zey fansasiasitas is similar, and yet zee zemeniteesoz ees so vastly enchiladas.

Alexi Lala:

I heard that. He said enchiladas. Right? Anyone else get that? 

Friday, July 11, 2014

Life In the Fast Lane (Live in L.A. 1992)

Pretty cool, Levon, Ringo, the  Big Man, Billy and the Bomber . . .

Thursday, July 10, 2014

The Emmy Nominations are out and I would like to go on record as saying it is downright shameful how they snubbed the Kardashians.

A New York Yankee fan, Andrew Rector, who was caught on TV sleeping during a game, is suing the ESPN announcers for describing him with the words “fatty” and “stupid.” That is terrible, how could they not also use the words ugly and lazy?

A study claims watching too much pornography can cause your brain to shrink. As a result, “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” has now been labeled porn.

The Minnesota Twins Target Field now features self-serving beer machines. Gosh, what could go wrong with that?

Tuesday, July 08, 2014

One of the truly funny things about the World Cup , at these hyper-sensitive and politically correct times, is how xenophobic and borderline racist you can be describing the other country’s teams.
“Germany is a tall team but not fast. However their discipline and precision is almost ruthless and surgical how they can march down the field like a bloodless, well-oiled machine.”
“Brazil is a hot-blooded and passionate team that plays with so much emotion it's almost as if the game is an exotic and erotic dance.”
Let’s take it one step further if China was playing in France.
"Although they are masters at calculating risk and strategy, China is abysmal at trying to drive down and score."

"France seems unimpressed by the visiting team to the point of being rude, and their play has been sloppy, lazy and messy."
Today starts Pamplona’s Running of the Bulls. Or as the bulls call it: the goring of the drunken idiots.

Honey Boo Boo’s parents got married. It was very romantic, the couple misspelled their own vows.
It was quite historic, the first reality show wedding in English that required subtitles.

Just played the new Kim Kardashian video game. Now my joystick hurts when I pee.

A 95-year-old Arkansas man, Bud Jackson, set an age group record in the 100 meter breast stroke in 3.16.56. This beats the old 95-year-old-man record of “Swimming 90 meters and then dying.”

Joey Chestnut won the Nathan’s 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest, but did not break his record last year of 69 hot dogs in ten minutes. That’s more wieners flying in faces than an Adam Lambert concert. (oh, snap, no he di’ . . .’nt . . .)

A study claims watching too much pornography can cause your brain to shrink. In a related story, I like perr-tay-terrrrs. Hmmmmm.

The Tour De France is in stage three. For US sports fans, the first stage was ambivalence, stage 2 was unconcern and stage 3 is utter apathy.

A New York Yankee fan is suing ESPN claiming the broadcasters made fun of him when he fell asleep during a game. In a related story, “Seinfeld” is coming back on the air just to make an episode of this story.

This summer, TGIF will offer endless appetizer refills for $10. Apparently TGIF now stands for Thrombosis Generated Intestinal Failure.

A New York Yankee fan is suing ESPN claiming the broadcasters made fun of him when he fell asleep during a game. As a result, Cubs fans are planning to sue the Cubs organization for giving them nightmares.

Lex’s tips to improve the World Cup;

You know when they keep kicking the ball back towards their own goal? Yeah, stop doing that. Think General Patton: "I don't want any messages we are holding our position. We aren't holding anything. We are advancing constantly." 

For the US, just paint donuts on the ball and put Chris Christie in goal.

The amount of time a supposedly injured player spends on the ground or on the stretcher is doubled before they are allowed back on the field.

Players need to spend more energy shooting the ball than they do gyrating in protest if they miss.

For the love of decency, stop all the damn hugging and kissing. A little is OK, but these guys hug and kiss more than my hippy Aunt Daisy after too much wine and Zoloft. There have been more than three occasions where we have witnessed the blossoming of a lustful bromance right on the field, or pitch. 

To avoid shoot outs, add extra time to the extra time added to the second extra time's extra time.

Don’t avoid shoot outs, they are fun if you don’t care which team wins.

We need to use those awesome British announcers for more things. Would love to hear how Tony Romo is in a spot of bother over a controversy (can-trah-ver-see) about the studs he has on his boots considering the dodgy nature of the pitch while the current result of the tilt is nil-nil. Sticky wicket, what? 

The refs need to stop rewarding flopping. (this is for realsies) Offsides needs to be more flexible. Stop punishing fast offensive players and rewarding lazy defensive players.

Vuvuzelas need to go the way of the white man’s afro.

The US calls it soccer. Get over that. It is because our football makes the other football look like a damn high school student film. It could be worse, we could call soccer the Redskins . . .