Friday, May 02, 2014

Man, it was hot in LA. It was so hot, I was sweating like Donald Sterling at a Jay-Z concert.

Is it just me, or does Donald Sterling look like the guy at the airport getting his shoes shined while smoking a cigar?
Is it just me, or does Donald Sterling look like the guy who calls the steak house waitress Sugar?
Is it just me, or does Donald Sterling look like the guy who still calls pants either slacks or trousers?
Is it just me, or would anyone else bet Donald Sterling still has an avocado-green polyester leisure suit in his closet?
Is it just me, or does Donald Sterling look like he leaves his pinky ring on when getting a manicure? 

Is it just me, or does Donald Sterling look like the guy who licks his thumb before peeling of bills from his money clip?

Is it just me, or does Donald Sterling look like the guy who cleans his ear with his car key and then looks at it?
Is it just me, or does Donald Sterling look like a guy who says the word "crap" all the time? 
Is it just me, or does Donald Sterling look like a guy in the middle of a meeting who would take off his shoes and socks and rub his feet? 
Is it just me, or does Donald Sterling look like he spends all of his time on the phone with his feet on his desk? 
Is it just me or does Donald Sterling look like the kind of guy who judges a man by the crease in his slacks and the shine on his shoes?

Is it just me, or does Donald Sterling look like he loves to rattle the ice in his tumbler of scotch while constantly repeating the term "bottom line" in between shaking cocktail peanuts in his fist and popping them in his mouth? 

And finally (thank god)

Is it just me, or does Donald Sterling look like the always-naked guy in the gym locker room who spends an indordinate amount of time drying off his low-hanging fruit? 

Several days ago, Heisman Trophy winner, Jameis Winston, failed to pay for a late snack of crabs and crawfish. One has to wonder, what could make a college kid crave crabs and crawfish late at night and then forget to pay for it so soon after 4/20? Hmm.

One of the contenders in the Kentucky Derby is a horse called Danza. Which is nice, but I am putting my money on Stamos. 

Thursday, May 01, 2014

How windy is it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

It is windy in Southern California; it was so windy in Los Angeles, it actually blew Donald Sterling into a soul food restaurant.

After new crack-smoking pictures emerged, Toronto Mayor, Rob Ford, has checked into rehab; it won’t be easy, the guy has never walked as far as 12 steps in his life.
Instead of a 12-step program, Ford will have a 13.5 step program due to the Canadian exchange rate.

Rumor has it Donald Sterling is fighting back and will try to start an all-white basketball league. Some of the all-white teams are the Milwaukee Smorgasbords, the San Francisco Laptops and the Greenwich Volvos.
Some of the all-white teams are the Tucson Kindle Fires, the Cape Cod Golden Retrievers and the Maryland Yachtsmen.
It is amazing an NBA owner, Donald Sterling, would turn out to be a huge racist; why, there hasn’t been an all-white basketball team since the Washington Generals lost 13,000 games in a row to the Harlem Globetrotters.

A study shows half of the people in New York are struggling to get by. And that doesn’t even include all of the Knicks. They are really struggling.

Los Angeles Lakers coach, Mike D’Antoni, resigned. That is shocking. The Lakers had a coach? 

Congratulations to NBA commissioner, Adam Silver, for banning racist Donald Sterling for life. NBA now stands for No Bigots Allowed.  

The Colorado Symphony Orchestra announced they will play a series of “Cannabis Friendly” concerts. Or as “Cannabis Friendly” concerts are also called: Jazz.

Heisman Trophy winner, Jameis Winston, was charged with shoplifting crab legs; hey, give the guy a break, you try sexually assaulting a woman on an empty stomach.

A few tangents on the Donald Sterling mess:

It doesn’t matter how great they are, if someone is an a-hole in sports, owner or player, they will be discovered. Donald Trump, Tiger Woods, OJ Simpson, George Steinbrenner, Jim Brown, Alex Rodriguez, Ben Roethlisberger, Ty Cobb, Joe DiMaggio, Tiger Woods, Michael Irvin, Lance Armstrong.

Just to name a few.

The other tangent is the reality of really rich people’s reality is unrealistic to the point of allowing them to be – or turn - utterly insane. Michael Jackson, Howard Hughes, Bill Gates (oh, come on, the guy rocks and hums constantly) Nike’s Phil Knight. 

Their isolation combined with being surrounded by sycophants either allows the crazy in them to come out, or actually makes them crazy.

There is a prevailing feeling that justice has been served in the Donald Sterling case. Has it really been justice? If you took the Clippers away from Sterling and gave him nothing, he would still be a billionaire.

And the last time I checked, Donald Sterling is still the owner of the Clippers. Besides not venturing out of his mansion/estate to go to Clipper games, do you think his life has been changed one iota?

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Mean Girls - Stop Trying to Make Fetch Happen

Bitch was right. Ten years later and Fetch never happened. 

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Whoever wrote the "Sin City" mission on "Call of Duty: Ghosts"? You are vile and horrible human beings and I hope you grow old alone in a rat-infested, rusty trailer park in Yuma, Arizona. 

Now, why did Jim Rash ban Donald Sterling from the Clippers?

What are the odds a guy named Silver would ban a guy named Sterling? 

In a desperate move, Donald Sterling attempts to rename the Clippers the Rudy Huxtables. 

Banned for life. So I guess Sterling can add the Clippers to the Beverly Hills Victoria Secret where he was caught pleasuring himself in the dressing room. 

Since you asked:

Wow, got to say I am impressed by NBA's Silver. Did not think Sterling would have to sell team, but clearly, with the bailing of the sponsors and the other owners going against him, he will have to sell. 

This is a good sign. When big rich dudes get away with ripping people off for millions and millions, like Donald Trump, I thought Sterling would get away with racism. Happily, I was wrong.  

Sterling is a bad guy who is getting what he deserves. It just doesn't happen that much. 

Kudos Silver. He read the room and stepped the eff up. 

Monday, April 28, 2014

To give you an idea how bad things are going for accused racist L.A. Clipper owner, Donald Sterling, to take some of the heat off of himself, he is changing the team’s name to the Redskins.

For the first time, Chick- fil-A had a higher profit than KFC. As a result, KFC is going to introduce their new anti-gay marriage special: The Tea Party Platter: it’s all right wings.

Paul Simon was charged with domestic disturbance; apparently there is one more way to leave your lover.

Turns out the whole Edie Brickell, Paul Simon domestic arrest was a mistake. They misunderstood when we said we hadn't had any hits from them in a while.
Random Randoms

What if it turns out Brits have been faking their accents the whole time?

Can't believe it has come down to me giving advice to a billionaire, but, hey, Donald Sterling, one word: prostitutes. 

To be candid, my celeb/comedian feud, ala Kimmel-Kanye, Trump-Meyers, Jenner-Fallon, is not panning out as well as I had hoped. Come on, Oprah, is that all you got? Bring it. 

Witnessed a mom picking up her kid at a local high school with her car turned and stopped at an angle that caused her to block the road in both directions. Folks were angry, folks were honking, folks were yelling and swearing. (No, not me) Guess what? She just did not care. 

The problem is not just that Donald Sterling is a racist - he most certainly is - the problem is Sterling is one of the biggest a-holes alive. Racist is just going along for the ride along with sexist, cheapskate, liar, phony, hypocrite, sleaze-ball and cheater. How do guys like that get so rich? 

Anyone have any doubts how this Donald Sterling scandal will play out? After Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton and Gloria Allred cash in on their free publicity to air the righteous indignation, the NBA will hammer Sterling with a huge, blanket suspension. (No, they can't take the team away)

Sterling will sue the NBA and it will all be settled out of court. Sterling may then sell the team, but only if he receives an obscene amount above and beyond what the team is worth, somewhere north of a billion, and that probably won't happen. 

Don't forget, in addition to being a vile racist and a hypocrite, Sterling is also a lawyer. Not just any lawyer, this guy made a billion dollars profiting on the misery and pain of people suffering from accidents and divorce. He is a full-blown ambulance chaser. 

Is Donald Sterling an evil racist who should not own an NBA team? In a just world, yes. But the only thing people hate almost as much as a rich hypocrite racist is a gold-digging bimbo. As bad as Sterlings comments were, and they were horrible, a true reflection of how vile he is, they were said in private. 

Sterling deserves the poop storm that will rain down on his sleazy head. Nobody has said anything nice about this guy in twenty years. 

And the gold digging harlot will make a few bucks before she vanishes and reappears in "People" magazine's "Where are they now?" issue. There she will discuss her rehab, her addiction to plastic surgery, her bankruptcy and her discovering Christ. 

But Sterling is not going to give up the team.