Saturday, January 25, 2014

Are these outfits some secret plan to scare away the terrorists? 

It is cold back East, people are shaking like Justin Bieber going to prison for throwing eggs and driving 60.
Have you seen the sweaters the US Olympic team will wear to the Opening Ceremonies of the Sochi Olympics? I don’t want to say those sweaters are ugly, but Bill Cosby is making jokes about them.
Justin Bieber was arrested in Miami for drag-racing and a DUI; drugs, booze, Brazilian hookers, strippers and drunk driving, ding, ding, ding, that is the Charlie Sheen quinfecta.
After being bailed-out for DUI and drag racing, Justin Bieber was seen partying in Miami; as a result, I have three months and one day in the “Justin Bieber admitted to hospital for dehydration and exhaustion” pool.

Ranought Thandoms

Who else has the under at three months for Justin Bieber to pull a full-blown Natalie Maines and repeatedly insult his entire fan base? Have you noticed the utter lack of support coming to Bieber from his fellow celebs? Haven’t seen anything like this since Tiger Woods drove into a fire hydrant. Is it possible Bieber is as much of a douche bag as we all think he is?
French President, Francois Hollande, cheated on his second live-in girlfriend with a young actress; this guy couldn’t be more French if he was a Paris waiter hocking a loogie into an American tourist’s glass of wine.
In an interview with Peter King, alleged Stanford grad and loquacious Seattle Seahawk corner, Richard Sherman, commenting on how to make the Pro Bowl more popular said he could get the fans to “come out in groves.” No word yet if people would also come out in orchards.
Torrey Pines is looking it’s usual gorgeous self  today. Yesterday San Diego almost issued a state of emergency because it was overcast and foggy. But the leader board, thanks to Tiger playing like crap and Phil's balky back, is uglier than the walk-of-shame the morning after a family reunion.

Cannot recommend the hip and indy-type “In a World” strong enough. The cast is like “In a World of Alex’s Favorites.” The twins of our good friend, Meecy, Ashley and Megan Fenton, did the production design. Thanks to them, all the locations and sets looked great and real. Lake Bell is also the real deal. But only if you like your women smart, funny, creative, gorgeous and down-to-earth.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Bill Cosby will star in a family comedy on NBC; “Wow, that is great news,” said 1985.
Justin Bieber was arrested in Miami for drag-racing and a DUI; just when you think things are progressing in this country, the Miami police go and pick on a young lesbian.
In 1927, the average lineman weighed 190 lbs. Now the average is 300 pounds; the difference is one entire Bieber.
Ponzi-thief, Bernie Madoff suffered a heart attack in prison in Butner prison in North Carolina; the prison’s name is Butner? Was the name Ass-Hammer taken?
In sad news, the Captain and Tenille are getting divorced; the ugly rumor is she really did catch him having Muscrat love.
A woman in Victorville, CA had a baby that weighed 15 pounds; asked to comment, the woman said; “Ahhhhhhhhhhh.”
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie game his inaugural speech, Tuesday. It went well, so well, in fact, to celebrate, just for fun, Christie shut down the Bayonne Bridge. 
Some of the tickets for the upcoming Super Bowl in New Jersey’s Giant Stadium are going for one million dollars; but for that, after the game, Seattle Seahawk, Richard Sherman will give you your own private maniacal rant.
New research shows drinking red wine and eating dark chocolate can help fight diabetes; except for the people who got diabetes from drinking too much red wine and eating too much chocolate.

In sad news, the Captain and Tennille are getting divorced; in other news, there clearly is no other news.

Conan has a new bit: words that have never been used together before. Here is a.L.b.B.'s take on it:

"You look great in that thong, Gov. Christie."
"Sure, I'm a Cub fan, but I don't really care if they win or not."
"I'm a vegan, but if other people want to eat meat, that's fine with me."
"To be honest, I'd rather just be friends and cuddle, Paris Hilton."
"Just because I own a pit bull doesn't mean I'm a jerk."
"Excuse me, but I couldn't help but hear how your loud cell phone conversation was so damn fascinating." 
"Could I have some extra gluten?"
"Just because I work out everyday doesn't mean I don't want you to smoke." 
"What this adult film could use is more dialog."
"Sure, I took a picture of my dinner and posted it on Facebook, but I only did it once." 
"I've got to be candid, I think this long political tirade you posted on Facebook has really changed my opinion." 
"If only magazines put more of those loose subscription cards inside of them."
"No, I love being solicited when walking up to the grocery story."
"Justin Bieber is a great kid, he's just going through a phase." 
"Just because I go by the title Doctor and I am not a medical doctor, that in no way makes me pretentious and snotty."
"Yes, I am a medical doctor, but that doesn't mean I think I know everything." 

"See that woman-driver talking on her hand-held cell phone with the little lap-dog in her lap? She is an uncannily considerate driver." 

"Gosh, the parents of those skateboarders have to be so proud of them." 

"Wow, that older lady sure paid for her groceries quickly with her checkbook."

"Sure I am a regular Starbucks customer, but I just want a black coffee."

"This is so exciting, someone's at the door who wants to sell us something." 

"Look at those older people taking a walk on the sidewalk." 

"Yes, my child has food allergies, but that's our responsibility, not the school's." 

"Excuse me, coach, but are you sure my child isn't getting too much playing time? There are other kids on the team."

"Oh man, I got right through to a Time-Warner customer service representative." 

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Has anyone ever seen Samantha Ronson and Justin Bieber in the same room at the same time? Just asking . . . 

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Keep it up, Richard Sherman. If history tells us anything, it that the best way to beat Peyton Manning is to make him want to shut you up. 

Wait. What? (Finger in ear) What's that? I am being told he is still yammering. 

Oh no it won't . . . 

In sad news, the Captain and Tennille are getting divorced; things have not been good since Tennille found out the Captain is as much a Captain as Captain Crunch.
In Maine, a man Nicholas Brown, broke his leg in a snowmobile accident and crawled 2.5 miles in the snow to safety. He said it was easy, all he had to do was imagine having to listen to his daughter’s entire collection of Justin Bieber songs instead.

Since you asked:
A couple of years ago, my daughter’s soccer team traveled to San Francisco for a tournament and we hiked in the mind-boggling-gorgeous Muir Woods. One of the dads is a very funny guy named Rich, and I was mentioning how the California redwoods, along with the Golden Gate Bridge, Alcatraz, the cable cars, Hearst Castle, are so iconic to the rest of us growing up outside of California.
He asked what made me want to live out here instead of Chicago. Told him I love Chicago, but there was just something magical in everything I saw or heard about California when I was just a kid:
The picture in “Life” that showed beautiful women skiing in Tahoe in bikinis. How was that possible? We had bikinis and skiing, well in Wisconsin and Michigan, but they had to happen at opposite times of the year.
OJ Simpson galloping in the warm sunshine of the L.A. Rose Bowl while I was watching on TV on a bitterly cold New Year’s Day in Chicago. (This was way before his throat slashing days) 
Daniel Boone was filmed in California. And I loved me some Daniel Boone.
Batman was filmed, oh, hell everything was filmed in California. (As soon as I moved away, everything John Hughes filmed was in Winnetka) 
But one of the things that really got me was freezing my butt off in the basement watching cartoons in the dead of winter on Saturday morning and watching a cereal commercial for Frosted Flakes that featured several kids skate boarding – along with Tony the Tiger - down a hill to the beach.
Rich stopped in his tracks and laughed and said;
“Shut up.”
“What?” I asked. “I’m serious, when you’re ten and freezing your ass off in the middle of a Chicago winter, and there are kids skateboarding to the beach, it makes a big impression.”
 “Did Chris” – his wife – “set you up?”
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
My buddy, Rich, was one of those kids in that commercial. He practically put himself through college skateboarding for commercials. He was one of three medal winners in a local skateboard contest, so they all got hired on the spot.
He said they started up on a hill in a brand new housing development above Malibu and skated down to the beach. They had a guy standing in for Tony the Tiger and they were not supposed to cross in front of him and the camera. They added the cartoon tiger later. 
Rich then made an announcement:

"Gather together, folks, I have both an announcement and confession. Ahem. Alex just informed me I am the main reason he moved to California from Chicago."

This was immediately followed by a Mel Brooksian rain on Rich of boos, obscenities, thrown water bottles and insults. 

Gotta admit I was a little sad to find out Tony the Tiger did not do his own skateboarding.

Hey, hey on the Tay-Tay, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Super Bowl is in Giant Stadium in New Jersey in less than two weeks; that is unless Gov. Chris Christie decides to block access to it.
There are now allegations that, in a Target parking lot, New York Jet tight end, Kellen Winslow, was masturbating in his car. And I thought my wife liked to shop at Target.
A study claims comedians are more likely to have psychopathic traits; now, that is the stupidest thing I – or the six voices in my head – have ever heard.
Jim Beam is introducing their new brand of bourbon called the Devil’s Cut, where the bourbon is extracted from the wood of the barrels. Let me tell you something, if you’re sucking the whisky out of an old oak cask, you may have a drinking problem.
Last Friday was the 20th anniversary of the 6.6 Northridge earthquake; to give you an idea how bad it was, if that quake happened today, it could actually shake a straight male into a theater showing “August: Osage County.”
In Queens, police found two legs and an arm in the East River; man, I knew it was expensive to live in New York, but I didn’t know it cost an arm and two legs . . .
What have the Lakers lost? 12 out of their last 14? The Lakers are so bad, some of their straight, male fans are skipping the game to watch the movie “August: Osage County” instead.
The Lakers are so bad, Justin Bieber threw eggs at their team bus.
A study claims comedians are more likely to have psychopathic traits; personally, I find this both offensive as well as insightful as to why I sometimes wear my pants on my head.
For the first time, the Super Bowl will feature two teams in cities, Seattle and Denver, where marijuana is legal; experts predict a lot of money will be won betting on the instant replays.

Since you asked:
How stupid was that Richard Sherman's meltdown? Not only did Sherman, who made just two plays, albeit one an important one, take all the attention away from a great performance by Russell Wilson and Marshawn Lynch and the rest of the team, but he figured out the only way to make the Broncos and Peyton Manning want to work harder to burn him.

Richard Sherman is a smart guy. A Stanford guy. That's what makes what he did so annoying. When a smart, good looking, intelligent and talented guy like Richard Sherman does something asinine, like attacking Michael Crabtree - whom I am sure is a stone jerk, who threatens somebody at a charity event?  -  attacks him, sans class, in the press?  We should be able to call Sherman on it without being an implied racist. 

In my last “Eff You” to Fantasy Football, the football brain that two years ago picked the Forty Niners as one of the future best teams and Andrew Luck as the best young QB and was rewarded with that insight with second to last place in my league? 

I was in a playoff pool with 55 people, and it is down to me and one other guy. I picked nine out of ten, he picked ten out of ten.