"I am fine right now, thank you. But I will let you know when I need something." 

Walter Payton Kaseberg, aka, Weasel Beezle, Wally Pipe-cleaners, Cornpone Wally, Snicker-doodle, Big Fred, Waller the baller. 


I'm out on the road late at night, I see my pretty Alice in every headlight. Alice. Dallas Alice, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


A woman in Mexico turned 127 and is the oldest person ever. She is so old, she used to babysit for Larry King.

VP Joe Biden vowed the US will follow the terrorist group ISIS to the gates of hell. That’s right, we will take ISIS to an El Torrito when the mariachi band is playing.

The whole nude picture texting thing is upsetting to us slightly older folks. We didn’t have sexting when we were single. No, you had to see the person naked for the first time in person, and no matter how bad it was, you had to stay and be complimentary.

Researchers claim half of the Vikings in battle were women. This comes as a surprise to nobody who has witnessed a women’s shoe sale.

A Florida man was arrested for drunkenly groping a Taco Bell employee through the drive-in window. The state motto of Florida is: 

“Sometimes even we cannot believe the crap we pull.”

Since you asked:

Every now and then, we men get a glimpse into the deep chasm that divides men and women.

Now, I am not blowing smoke for the sake of covering my ass, but I believe women are generally better than men. Kinder, gentler, more compassionate, sensitive, cleaner, more loving. 

Better.

But we are different. Lord how we are different. Viva la difference.

This was brought home to me when I was at a grill/ pool party last weekend, and I heard several of the moms gushing about a new place called DryBar. My first reaction upon hearing the name DryBar was that some genius had opened a bar that specializes in dry martinis.

Hallelujah.

No, I was informed it was not, despite its name, a bar that served alcohol. In fact, it was a hair salon. A place with the name bar in it is not a bar? That seems illegally deceptive to me. Like opening a nail salon and calling it the T-Bone Grill.

Well, good, then DryBar is a place where both men and women get a haircut.

“Oh no. No men.”

No men? Isn’t that also illegal? Imagine if a barbershop did not allow women? That place would be sued faster than you can say Gloria Allred’s menopausal hot flash.

“And they don’t cut hair.”

Excuse me? A hair salon that doesn’t cut hair? Isn’t that like a movie theater that doesn’t show movies? Well, at least you can get your hair colored there.

“No, they don’t dye hair either.”

They don’t color hair?

“No, they just blow dry hair.”

This is a joke, right? They just blow dry your hair? Don’t most women own a hair dryer?

“Yes, but they blow it for you.”

And how much does this cost, for them to blow your hair?

“$40. But an updo is $80.”

And women go for this?

“It’s hard to get an appointment.”

That settles it. Next month, I am gathering investors and we are going to open a shop that brushes men’s teeth. No women. No flossing, no buffing, no whitening, no dental work of any kind, just brushing. For $50 a pop. $80 for a serious scrubbing. 

What am I going to call it? 

The Ribeye Saloon. The problem?

No man in his right mind would ever go there. More likely, picture three Liev Schreiber/Russell Crowe/Liam Neeson-types entering The Ribeye Saloon.

"We want ribeyes and whisky."

"Sorry, we just brush teeth."

Ambulances would be summoned.