Saturday, August 03, 2013

The Art of Stand Up Paddle Surfing

Friday, August 02, 2013

Calling all bro’s, ho’s, hipsters, dipsters and quipsters, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
A defiant Anthony Weiner refused to quit the New York mayoral race saying; “Quit is not how we roll.” Well, at least nobody can call him the Peter-Tweeter-Retreater.
Sunday here in Southern Ca., a riot broke out after a surfing contest. Authorities report six dudes were bummed, three got radical, and one Barney righteously biffed.
On her new talk show, Chris Jenner admitted she has faked orgasms during sex; that is nothing, her husband, Bruce Jenner, has faked wanting to have sex with a woman.
A former Redlands high school teacher who had a baby with her student, pleaded guilty to sex crimes and will go to jail for a year. The male student, however, faces a possible lifetime of high-fives and free drinks.
A U.C. San Diego student, Daniel Chong, was arrested by the DEA for marijuana and was thrown in a holding cell and forgotten about for five days. He just won a $4.1 million settlement with the Dept. of Justice. So kids, let that be a lesson to you, smoke pot and do nothing for five days, and you too can be a millionaire.
Anthony Weiner’s campaign manager, Danny Kedem, resigned. In fact, he rushed to get out of there, he was the Peter-Tweeter-Stampede’r.
Simon Cowell had denied having an affair with a friend’s wife, now she is pregnant with Cowell’s child. Oh my word, that is shocking. Simon Cowell is straight?
Lex’s Random Thoughts:
When it comes to coffee, I am a reverse snob. Yes, I buy good Peet’s Coffee, French Roast, but I make it at home. Good water, a dash of honey and Coffee Mate. Every now and then I get a Latte at Starbucks just to remind me how much I hate that place. Long lines, expensive, lousy service, snotty people. But you know what? That latte is the ess.
I’ve decided to call the latest generation: Generation Meh. They are so entitled they even bore themselves.
Scallops and Risotto are the new Steak and Potatoes.
Sorry, you will now notice this all the time: the lazy slobs who hang a slow, diagonal walk in front of your car in the parking lot? They always have a giant ass. Unless they’re old, but we give the oldies a pass. 

Thursday, August 01, 2013

I’m just sayin’ I’m just sayin I’m just sayin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
OJ Simpson is so fat from eating donuts, now he wants to go find the real crullers.
OJ Simpson is so fat, he’s wanted for the double murder of Betty Crocker and Famous Amos.
OJ Simpson is so fat he wants to go on a long slow police chase in a Good Humor truck.
OJ Simpson is so fat, in the prison’s theater production of “Big Mama’s House” OJ is playing the house.
OJ Simpson is so fat, now when the news announcer says he’s merging from the 210 onto the 405, they mean on the scale.
Reports are that New York Yankee slugger, Alex Rodriguez, will be suspended for life for using performance enhancing drugs again; A-Rod would never hit again. It will be like it’s the playoffs all the time.
The Peter-Tweeter-Repeater, Anthony Weiner, has fallen from first place to fourth place in the polls; that is some serious shrinkage.
This just in from London: The Royal Nanny says the Royal baby just took a Royal poop.
In Beaverton, Ore, a man was arrested for trying to rob a gun shop armed with a baseball bat; Monte Carlo has a $50 mil. jewel thief, we got guys like this.
OJ Simpson is so fat, the OJ now stands for Oreo Jammer.

Since you asked:
My wife and I were flying from San Diego to New York for Thanksgiving with our great friends, the Woods. For whatever reason, we had to go stand-by. When they called us to give us our tickets, we were in first class. A glorious screw up. First class is niiiiiiiiiiiice.

So on the way back home we were on stand-by at the Newark airport. The woman behind the United desk was a solid New Jersey type. Lots of personality. So I tell my wife I was going to schmooze her into giving us First class again. As usual, Virg was skeptical about my schmoozing skills. 

Made some jokes about how nice it was to be in first class on the way out and that it would be cruel to make us drop down for the returning flight. She laughed, but she wasn’t having any of it. So I decided to throw out my booked hotel trick.
 You ask the hotel desk clerk, if the President of the United States needed a room, would you give him one? When they say of course, you say; “Well he isn’t coming, so give his room to me.”
So I hit the United Newark lady with “You would book your brother-in-law in first class if he asked.” She shoots right back with; “I hate my brother-in-law.” This cracked me up.
So I have to go back and report to Virg the schmooze was a no-go.
The United woman calls our name and hands us our tickets to board. When she hands me the tickets she says;
“Have a nice flight, brother-in-law.” Look down at the tickets. They are for row One A and B. First class. Gave her a big hug.
It pays to be nice to folks when you travel.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013


I'll eat anything you want me to eat, I'll swaller anything you want me to swaller, so come on down, I'll chew on a dog, arrrrrreeewwww, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

OJ Simpson is so fat, he's going on a slow police chase in the Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile.

OJ Simpson is so fat, he's wanted for the double murder of Ben and Jerry.

OJ Simpson is so fat, when the news announcer says he's merging on to the 405, they mean his weight. 

OJ Simpson is so fat, he is changing his name to P.B. & J. Simpson.

Since you asked:

Madonna has been around over 30 years. Madonna is worth close to a billion dollars. Madonna has sold over 300 million records. Madonna is a national icon.
Does anyone know anyone who owns a Madonna album? Does anyone know anyone who will admit to owning a Madonna album?
Do not get me wrong. The only things I don’t like about Madonna are her personality and her voice. Not sure which is more annoying. But I give Madonna all the credit she deserves. Gutsy, tough, brave, she does it her way. A self-promoting genius. 
Here is how I consider myself on the cutting edge of disliking Madonna’s music: When Madonna broke hits with the incredibly sappy “Holiday” “Borderline” and “Like a Virgin”, people all over the country were astonished at how original her style seemed. She was so cool she was cast in a movie, “Desperately Seeking Susan” to play herself. (Madonna might be the first movie actress whose acting is so bad she did a lousy job of playing herself)
The truth is, in 1983 on Manhattan’s lower East side, you couldn’t throw a dead rat without hitting a Madonna-look-alike. All of those “Debra Harry-wanna-be’s and CBGB goth/punk/slutty coke-inhaling groupies were everywhere. Madonna just made sure she hunkered-down and skarked in the lap of the right record producer. (Just made up the word Skarked, but we all know what it means)
Speaking of style, I just loves me some pictures of TV/Movie stars at Comic-Con and The Sundance Film Festival in “People” and “Entertainment Weekly.” Their publicists must send out a memo to both male and female actors: dress in wool hat with a scarf and a v-neck t-shirt with an open flannel shirt with a crumply leather jacket, skinny jeans and funky-ass boots.
Wear too much makeup and try and look whimsical to hide the incredible hangover and shame of your last night's one-night-stand.

As I am wildly anticipating my upcoming trip to my beloved Santa Barbara with my wonderful multi-event/track friend's party/reunion, I am filled with memories that is the wonder of Santa Barbara. Gorgeous coast, golden sunsets over coast mountatins looking out at the nearby islands past the beautiful beaches. Laughter, grilled seafood, margaritas, surfing and music abound.

This is why I was so struck by a Discovery special on the rotting Soviet nuclear navy in the industrial port city of Murmansk. If human despair and depression could build a city, it would be Murmansk. Only city above the artic circle, its spirit-crushing frozen weather is the least depressing thing about the place. It is a civic monument to the heartlessness at the core of Communist industry. At least the smokey orange lit steel mills, ghetto and train yards of Gary, Indiana merge into farmland to the South and the wonderful city of Chicago to the North.

Murmansk has no end to the rusty cement, wires and smokestacks of wretched public housing and endless factories decaying as if they had a ghetto-version of cancer. 

If there are two more opposite places on the planet than Santa Barbara and Murmansk, I don't know about them. 

Beautiful downtown Murmansk. 

Top? Everything bad about sports. Bottom? Everything good about sports.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Johnny's Garden (Stephen Stills/Manassas)

T-Swizzle - as my daughter calls her - on a SUP

Capt. Pappy lookin’ snappy and he’s happy about his dippy dappy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

During his sexting escapades, Anthony Weiner called himself Carlos Danger. Only this clown could come up with a name even sillier than Weiner.
An Australian wetsuit company claims they have designed a wetsuit that can prevent sharks from attacking. You know what I wear that guarantees a shark won’t attack? My couch. If I’m on my couch there is a 100% chance a shark won’t attack me.
Now a woman has disclosed that, during phone sex, Anthony Weiner would orgasm in 30 seconds; In one week Weiner has gone from Carlos Danger to R. Hugh Kiddingme?
Pope Francis announced gay people should not be judged; that’s nice, but how are they going to determine a winner in a Cher look-alike contest?
A thief pulled off a $50 mil Monte Carlo jewelry heist. It is a shame that this guy shares the name criminal with the guy in Florida who was arrested with a bag of meth up his butt and denied it was his.
Anthony Weiner said he is going to stay in the New York mayoral race; “That is the greatest news I’ve ever heard,” said Weiner’s opponents and all comedians.
It is possible New York Yankee drug-cheater, Alex Rodriguez, could be suspended from baseball for life. He would never hit again. It would be like the post season except all the time.