We only use locally grown, organic, seasonable and sustainable jokes grilled on Santa Barbara oak wood, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

New York Mayoral candidate, Anthony Weiner, was involved in a minor car accident in New York; this is what happens when you try and peter-tweet in the street.

A man in Las Vegas, Wesley Warren Jr., has a 132-pound scrotum; that’s like having an entire Justin Bieber between your legs.

Bradley Manning was sentenced to 35-years for leaking military secrets; now he says he wants to live as a woman named Chelsea; maybe its just me, but saying you want to be a woman is not what you announce to the world right before serving a 35-year prison term.

Tennis great, Maria Sharapova, was going to change her name to match her candy line called Sugarpova, but changed her mind. In another wise sports marketing move, Angels star Albert Pujols cancelled his line of hemorrhoid suppositories.

Bradley Manning was sentenced to 35-years for leaking military secrets to Wikipedia; now he says he wants to live out his life as a woman named Chelsea; and that is this week’s story my Uncle Howard will not understand.

Lamar Odom, Mr. Khloe Kardashian, has been missing for three days and the family is worried he’s on a drug binge. Bruce Jenner is furious. Or worried. Or shocked. We can’t really tell.

At the VMA awards, lip-readers are saying, when Harry Styles presented an award, his ex-girlfriend, Taylor Swift, said; “Shut the eff up.” It was bad, Kanye West interrupted Taylor and washed her mouth out with soap.

Let my explain why Fantasy Football now sucks.

Used to be you could get an all-around player, like a Marshall Faulk, Terrell Davis or Emmit Smith, and ride them for a good year. QB’s weren’t taken in the first round.

In my league, I was the first player to take a QB in the first round. Some guy named Payton Manning.

Now if you don’t get Aaron Rodgers or Tom Brady and then get a great running back, you’re toast.

Take our league. Some guy got lucky and picked Aaron Rodgers as the first pick. Then, because he had major knee surgery and was out for the first game, the same lucky guy got Adrian Peterson in the third round. Nobody, and I mean nobody, predicted Adrian Peterson would explode for his best season. This lucky idiot who got lucky with Peterson and had the first pick in the draft wins the title.

This is the gospel truth. During our Fantasy draft last year, I told anyone who would listen the Forty Niners were going to get to the Super Bowl. (They did) To back up my talk, I loaded up on Niners, Alex Smith QB, Frank Gore RB and Vernon Davis TE.

There are problems when loading up on one team, the bye week and an off down week. So I also had Michael Turner, Darren Sproles and I picked Nick Novak as a kicker, because I knew the Chargers had so much trouble scoring in the red zone.

Not only that, but when Smith went out with a concussion, who was my backup QB to replace him? Andrew Luck, who exploded for a great second half of the season.

Moves this brilliant should get this team deep into the playoffs, right? No, I finished second to last. The Chargers don’t announce Novak is hurt until afternoon game time. I lose a game because I have no kicker. My team ran into Arian Foster when he exploded. My team scored over 100 points in one game – in our league, 60 usually gets a win – and lost. 

If you don’t have a franchise QB and one or two of the top running backs and receivers, you have no shot. Just making good smart picks and free agent moves don’t matter. With the complex offenses, teams load up on one guy one week, the next week, he don’t see the ball once. (Yes, I know I am talking like a lumber jack) 

The NFL is so up and down, used to be if you lost three games, you're season was in jeopardy, now teams make the playoffs who lose eight. Teams in the Super Bowl the year before lose to last place teams.

And in our league, the only person we knew in common was our beloved Commish. Everyone else was spread all over the country. So no backroom dealings. Just free agents. Boring.

If a guy, running back or receiver, has a great week one week, coaches shut him down the next. Or, as with Manning, he doesn’t go back to the guy the next week. Between that and injuries, luck has gone from a big factor in Fantasy Football to 85%. It basically boils down to when you pick in the first round.