The Cubs are gonna Riker’s beard this beeeeeyaaaatch, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

An Austrian man who cut his arm off in an industrial accident, drove himself nine miles to the hospital; the worst part? He was texting while driving.

O.J. Simpson is back in court and he has gained a lot of weight; all my life I wanted to be built just like OJ Simpson and now I am. Super.

In New Jersey, a man, 75, and a woman, 66, were busted for running a cocaine and prostitution ring out of a retirement home; because who doesn’t want a prostitute who will give you a $50 discount for rubbing her bunions?

Who doesn’t want a hooker who smells like Ben Gay?

Who doesn’t want a hooker who plays the Jumble puzzle while you’re having sex?

Who doesn’t want a hooker who sends you a check for $4 on your birthday?

Since you asked:

Had an awesome SUP surf session at La Jolla Shores this morgan. Nice sets of close to four feet. Got some nice rights and kicked out.

But, man was I whomped, tired, bushed, beat, kerflumped. When I was watching my Blackhawks, I fell asleep for what seemed like a second and it turns out it was one hour later. It is the closest I will ever get to time travel.

Then watched the Preakness. Bummer Orb didn’t win. Or as dyslexics call him: Bro.

But the Preakness really is the Pontiac to the Derby’s Cadillac. The Jimmy Christ to Jesus Christ. The Steven Tyler to Mick Jagger. The Ke$ha to Shakira. The memorabilia re- trial OJ to the murder trial OJ. The Lyndon Johnson to Kennedy. The Nixon to Lyndon Johnson. The Jefferson Starship to Jefferson Airplane. The all-the-sequel “Lethal Weapons” to “Lethal Weapon.” The post “Ransom” Mel Gibson to the pre “Ransom” Mel Gibson. "Cosby" to "The Cosby Show." The four-striped knock-offs to Adidas. New "American Idol" to now "American Idol." 

And the Belmont is an intramural football game to the Rose Bowl.