Ehrmehrgard, they not afraid to throw the shade up in this here parade, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Iran launched a destroyer Iran claims is there to promote peace in the Caspian Sea. Launching a Destroyer to promote peace is like ordering a Vodka shot to promote sobriety. 

Hillary Clinton endorsed same-sex marriage. Which is odd because Bill and Hillary haven’t had the same sex in their marriage in 20 years.

Iran launched a domestically made destroyer in the Caspian Sea named Jamaran 2. Jamaran is an Arabic word that means Carnival Cruise.

Blockbuster Video is closing 164 more stores. Hard to believe a company with video in the name isn’t doing well. Explains why Grandslam Beepers isn’t doing so hot either.

TSA has established a size limitation with women’s sex toys for boarding planes at no longer than seven inches. Sorry ladies, it looks like this sex toy won’t be going on planes anytime soon. 

St. Patrick’s Day, fighting Irish stereotypes by eating corn beef and cabbage and getting drunk on green beer and fighting for 400 years.

The Irish celebrate St. Patrick’s day by drinking green beer? Isn’t that like the English celebrating Boxing Day by cooking bad food and not going to the dentist?

Iran launched a domestically made destroyer in the Caspian Sea named Jamaran 2. Iran issued a statement saying the ship is there to promote peace in the Caspian Sea. Apparently they forgot it is called a Destroyer.

Since you asked:

Let’s play a quick game of:

The grocery lines are long, let’s try the self-checkout machine. How hard could it be?

Me: OK, I guess it won’t go on by itself, oh, I see, push Start.

Monotone Robot Voice, or MRV: “Please scan your first item.”

Me: Oh, well, hah hah. OK. Uh, here is a jar of pickles, but where is the barcode?

MRV: “Please scan your first item.”

Me: You think the barcode would be right here on the label, but for some reason . . .

MRV: “I said . . . please scan your first item. Now”

Me: Whoa, no need to get testy. Oh, here is the bar code. Why would they put it on the lid?’

 MRV: “Have you inputted your club rewards number?”

Me: Is inputted a word? That’s easy, it is just my phone number.

Monotone Robot Voice, or MRV: “Club Rewards Number is incorrect, please see the attendant.”

Me: How can my own phone number be incorrect? And there is no attendant. Forget it, I’ll just scan this wine bottle.

Monotone Robot Voice, or MRV: “Please see attendant for approval of ID”

Me: I’m telling you, you nasty little POS machine, there is no attendant in sight.

MRV: “Please input your date of birth.”

Me: OK, man, this thing requires more information than a first date. There, you have my freaking date of birth. Happy?

MRV: “Please input your weight.”

Me: Wait. Why the hell would it need my weight?

MRV: “Please place items in the bag.”

Me: Man, this wine bottle ripped through this cheap plastic bag like a hot knife through butter. I’ll have to double bag it, no, that bag ripped. So I guess I’ll triple bag it and put it aside.

MRV: “Unauthorized item in the baggage area. Repeat, unauthorized item in the bagging area.” (alarm sounds. Police arrive, guns drawn. I hit the deck, spread eagle)

Me: I’m unarmed, I just want to buy some groceries. Let go of me.

Monotone Robot Voice, or MRV: “This is the third time you’ve needed an attendant. What are you, a moron?”

Me: Seriously? Is this thing giving me attitude?

MRV: “Oh, right, I see your age. No wonder you’re bad with technology.”

Me: What the hell?

Monotone Robot Voice, or MRV:  “Seriously, dude, we tested this system on monkeys. Got that? Monkeys can make it through without the attendant. Maybe you shouldn’t be drinking so much wine. Especially at your weight.”

Me: Oh no it didn’t. (Winding up ready to smash machine with wine bottle)

Monotone Robot Voice, or MRV: “Have you scanned your credit card?”

Me: Wait, I am not done bagging my items. Oh, screw it, I want out of here.

MRV: “Would you like to make a donation to Muscular Dystrophy? No? What a freaking tight ass.”

Me: Listen, you evil metal troll, I’ll have you know I gave at the office.

Monotone Robot Voice, or MRV: “Please remove your bags from the baggage area. And thank you for shopping at Vons . . . dick-head.”

Me: Hey, I heard that …