Saturday, December 15, 2012

Ann Caroline holding Wally
Over six years ago, a Connecticut couple, named Previdi, had, like us, a baby girl they loved very much. And, like us, they loved the name Caroline so much they gave it to her. 

That is all I can say about that now. 

The Beach Boys - God only knows

Good picture of my SUP buddy at La Jolla Shores

We need to name an elementary school after Dawn Hochsprung now. 

Happy 50th Birthday to New York Jets coach, Rex Ryan, last week. You can still get him a present, he is registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond Hope.

Since you asked:

How can I put this nicely? 

Last night, in a dream, the ghost of an old high school girlfriend past was finally liberated.

With the exception of my first high school girlfriend, the aptly named Betsy Fox, who was a sweetheart in every way, my suburban Chicago high school girlfriends tended towards pretty, wholesome, cheerleader types, but rich, snotty and more than a little mean.

From birth they seemed to be programed by their overbearing country club mothers to leverage their relationship with men to insure they live in the style with which they have grown accustomed. (That is as nicely as I can put it without using a word that rhymes with bold bigger)

Again, some of the nicest women I have ever known came from my hometown, but I, for reasons I don't know, did not date them. 

Conversely, my girlfriends in college were just as pretty as my high school girlfriends, if not prettier, many also grew up in affluent homes in Newport Beach, San Marino, and Marin County, and yet they were not manipulative or duplicitous at all.

Why the major difference thanks to 2,000 miles? Who knows?

One high school girl I dated was particularly, shall I say, confident in such a way it made her wildly intriguing. Remember that awful 70's song "Fox On The Run"? That was her. 

So when we broke up - OK, she broke up with me- she made me feel like I was not qualified to be her boyfriend. Thanks for stopping by, we’ll call you if there is an opening.

That one stung. And it stung for a long time. 

Last night, in my dream, I saw her as I would see her now, not as a 17-year-old heartbroken frustrated insecure virgin saw her. And - how do I say this nicely? - it was such a huge relief we had not continued our relationship.

Uh, uh, buh-bye. 

Thank you, Virg. 

(Cue: Beach Boys "God Only Knows" 

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Isn't Christoph Waltz's Austrian accent perfect? Am I the only one who, when I heard it, realized that Arnold Schwarzenegger has a severe speech impediment? 

Waltz's accent is so cool and so subtle. Like if he drinks a beer too fast, he may swallow it. 

He ahh-ight an ehh-ee-thang, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers                             

People are getting in Christmas spirit. Yesterday at the Encino Galleria, I heard a Santa yell Ho, Ho, Ho. Turns out it he was just saying hi to the Kardashian sisters.

Maybe I am getting jaded on Christmas, but yesterday I heard a boy in mall Santa’s lap asking Santa where he could score some killer weed. And Santa told him.

What is wrong with the Lakers? The Los Angeles Lakers are having a rougher December than the makers of Tickle Me Elmo dolls.

Going to New York during the Holidays, so help me out. Do you wish your cab driver a Happy or Merry Jihad?

Dear Kanye West:

Re: 12-12-12. Good job. But how does it feel to know you got your asked kicked by a skinny, 69-year-old British guy, Mick Jagger?

Just wondering.


Dear Alicia Keys;

Shut up. Shut up. You had me at the first note you played and sang. Fan for life. Just the demographic I am sure you are going for.


Dear Chris Martin:

Uh, um, OK.


Dear Sandy Relief Shows:

Isn't it great no matter how many fundraising programs, concerts and shows, nobody, and I mean nobody wants anyone from the cast of "Jersey Shore"?

Good job.


Random Lex-icons

West Virginia is getting their long-johns in a twist over being portrayed badly in "Buckwild." Relax. You will be, but who cares? 

There is no such thing a reality TV if they know the camera is there. Put a camera on me and suddenly I am not lying on the couch in my ripped Chicago Bear sweats searching for new things to scratch. I am in my office on my laptop wearing a Navy blazer and smoking a pipe. 

And I don't smoke a pipe.

Can I get a what-what on the fact that the biggest dick move while driving is tailgating? 

There is a new phenomenon in my neighborhood I call reverse tailgating. That is when you are following someone a good three car lengths behind and they still get all pissed that you're too close and abruptly pull over for you to pass them. Dirty look included. 

Usually it is an old dude. 

Dear Red Neck Family Staying At This Hotel:

Besides no hot-boxing, there is only one firm and hard rule when it comes to elevator rules and etiquette: let the people off before you get in. That's it. 

And yet you cannot seem to grasp it. 

You and your evil spawn pull a Pickett's charge at the elevator as soon as the doors open forcing us to awkwardly walk around you while repeating "Excuse me" in a race to get out before the doors close. 

God you are morons. 

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

12-12-12 and We Still Backsliding and reprobating, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

MTV has a new reality show about nine West Virginia youths called “Buckwild.” It’s like “The Bachelor” if “The Bachelor” was filmed at a family reunion.

Did you see Juan Manuel Marquez knock out Manny Pacquiao Saturday night? Pacquiao hit the ground so hard he was named an honorary Arizona Cardinal.

MTV has a new reality show about nine West Virginia youths called “Buckwild.” The original title was; “C.S.I.: Incest.”

Pizza Hut has a new perfume. It is the perfect scent for the person who wants to smell too lazy to cook something and too broke to buy anything nutritious.

So, girls, you too can smell like a combination of Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan is reportedly having trouble paying her Beverly Hills rent. I’m neither a real estate nor financial expert, but maybe don’t live in the most expensive town in the world.

It is that special time when even the New York cab drivers are in a Holiday mood. When you come out of a department store with an armload of presents, they will actually open the trunk and move the body to make room for your gifts.

The winner of the Heisman Trophy for best college football player is Johnny “Football” Manziel. Don’t confuse him with the Quarterback for the Arizona Cardinals, he’s called Johnny “Where’s the Football?” Skelton.

Since you asked:
It never ceases to amaze me how stupid celebrities can be. For example, right after “The Late Show with David Letterman” audience goes absolutely bonkers for Mick Jagger doing the Top Ten list and Dave himself gets dizzy from excitement, Amanda Seyfried walks out and immediately declares herself not a Rolling Stones fan.

The template for how to live a good celebrity life is easy. Look at George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon as examples. Famous and having fun with it. No public dirt, no stupid behavior.

The list of idiot celebrities is endless, the Kardashians, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson.

But for my money the stupidest celebrity is not stupid for drug use, booze-related incidents or failed relationships. The stupidest celebrity was the one who intentionally and repeatedly ruined her and her band’s meteoric success: Natalie Maines.

(This is not about politics, this is about pure stupidity, arrogance and hypocrisy)

Now we all know what a fiasco the Iraq war turned out to be, but in 2003, the night before we launched our soldiers into harms way, there was a wave of patriotism sweeping the US. 

England was wildly against the war and protested. Natalie and The Dixie Chicks were in London and terrified they would be booed by their London crowd for the US going into the Iraq war. So she, Natalie, walks out on the stage and insults our Commander in Chief by saying they are embarrassed Bush is from Texas.

Natalie and her supporters have tried to frame this statement as a bold political stance. It was not. It was simply kissing a foreign audience’s ass during a show.

OK, fine she said a stupid thing that her core audience, country music, was firmly against. Say you’re sorry, or it was a bad joke, and everything goes right back to normal. 

No, Natalie repeats what she said, then turns her words on her core audience saying if you don’t agree with me, you are stupid hicks and we don’t want you as fans. For good measure they, the Dixie Chicks, include and insult as ignorant Reba McEntire and Toby Keith and their fans as well, which, incidentally, were also Dixie Chick fans.

OK, that right there was enough for most bands and artists to completely destroy their careers. But, at the time, the Dixie Chicks were so huge, they still had a ton of fans left willing to forgive and forget if Natalie would simply stop talking.

At this point she didn't have to do anything but not talk. 

But by this time, country radio stations were banning the Dixie Chicks, concerts were being cancelled. This was a serious problem, even for the top female band in history.

So Natalie, with much urging from her furious label, finally decides it is time to back peddle. We would never, says Natalie, disrespect the military and the Commander in Chief. Guess what? You already did. Twice. Too little too late. This obvious horse-poop lie further angered her fans and permanently labeled Natalie as the only thing Americans cannot forgive: a hypocrite.

So when her insincere words made more people angry, did Natalie say she was sorry? No, she recanted her back peddle and repeated she meant what she said the first time about insulting the President and reiterated that she didn’t want fans who were not as politically forward thinking as she. In other words, Natalie admitted her apology was a lie, she, in fact, meant to insult the troops and the commander in chief. And, if you don't agree, we don't want you as fans.

Wow. She could have been arrested for the murder of her career.

First she said the stupid thing. Then she repeated the stupid thing and included an insult to her fans and two top country artists. When she finally saw her statements were hurting sales of albums and tickets, she made an obviously B.S. and transparent apology. Then she recanted the apology when it didn’t work and re-insulted her closest fans. That is six separate and totally career-ruining moves Natalie made on purpose.

That took care of what little fans the Dixie Chicks had left. Now everyone was alienated. Not by politics, by arrogant stupid hypocrisy. Most right wing folks know their entertainers - movie stars and rock singers -  are probably left wing, and they don't care. They don't care until those entertainers insult them over and over, like Natalie did. 

To put a final stamp on her stupidity, Natalie writes a hit song titled “Not Ready to Make Nice” (Nobody said they couldn’t write good songs and sing.) But, as great as the song was, that final, public F.U. to her detractors was the final wedge and imploded the almost impossible- to- implode popularity of the Dixie Chicks.

One of the most ironic things is, if Natalie had just stuck by her first statement  and not gone on and on and on to insult the intelligence of her base fans, the fiasco that the Iraq war turned out to be would have probably made her and the band even more popular. 

Natalie Maines turned out to be her very own, and the only, weapon of mass destruction.

Even the title of the documentary, "Shut Up and Sing" was misinterpreted by the moronic Natalie. Natalie chose to believe it meant fans thought entertainers are by nature stupid and not entitled to a political opinion. 

That is not what they meant. That is the opposite of what they meant. 

Her fans were pleading to her, Natalie, please, we love your music, we love how you sing, we still like you, we don't care about your politics, just stop insulting us, the people who give you money. 

Natalie, of course, did not stop. 

2003, the Dixie Chicks are one of the most popular bands in the world. 2006? Cannot go on a tour. When everybody else didn't think it was possible for little Natalie to further alienate people, she then shaved her stupid little head. 

Guess what makes this so amazing to me is there were so many talented bands who never got the kind of mind-boggling success the Dixie Chicks got and deserved and, one stupid statement at a time, Natalie Maines throws it all away. 

And it was all done on purpose by poor, stupid little Natalie Maines with the full support of the other two Dixie Chicks.