Friday, July 20, 2012

Got a couple hours? Let me tell you a little bit about myself as a person as well as a human being, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

US women's soccer goalie, Hope Solo, said there is a lot of sex in the Olympic Village. Remember sexy virgin hurdler, Lolo Jones? Hope Solo says zero hope of Lolo staying solo. 

Solo also implied she sneaked (snuck?) Vince Vaughn in her room and they had sex. For a great goalie, Solo sure lets a lot of balls go in between her legs.  

Since you asked:
We used to have this amazingly pretentious name-dropping friend who would throw herself at B-list celebrities and then run around bragging to whomever would listen how she and they were now "Close, personal friends."

As opposed to the distant, impersonal kind. What a righteous tool. 

This was the same woman who, with absolutely no sense of irony or sarcasm, would say on the phone;

"I've got to go, I have an important call on the other line." 

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Fred Willard nominated for an Emmy for Best Actor Who Needs to Get a DVD Player.

You know the Batman movie "The Dark Knight Rises"? Fred Willard was watching "The Bishop Rises in the Dark."

Really, Fred? An adult movie theater? I get stage fright if I don't close all the windows on my computer. 

Far be it from me to go into too much detail, shall we say Fred Willard was arrested for Pee-wee'ing his Herman?  

They were going to put the US Olympic team in clothes made here in the USA, but decided it wasn't appropriate to put our Olympians in skinny jeans and "I Pooped Today" t-shirts. 

Since you asked:
Hey, 18-to-28'ers. After our little chat/pep-talk, you're not out to a very good start. 

Conan Writes Chicago Blues Songs With School Kids - CONAN on TBS

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Didn't know it at the time, but this would be the last picture taken of my big boy, Wrigley. He was basking in the day's last ray of sun. Turns out he was getting ready to be beamed up to be our second doggy angel.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Leave it to those crafty Germans
(Thanks Snickity O'Snake)

Elton John was asked to explain why he came out of the closet. My guess is that his tiny dancer didn't want the bitch's back. 

Since you asked:

Man, generation 18-28, are you getting you skinny jeans asses kicked but good. Everyone from sociology professors to Louis C.K. to Aaron Sorkin all agree that you are the worst generation ever. Not just in the history of the US, but anywhere, anytime.  

Your lifetime of texting and getting pissed at cell phones not moving fast enough at the speed of light and your trophies-for-trying have made you the most insanely overly-entitled group of ass-chompers ever. You don't just do not appreciate what you have, you are seriously pissed it's not more.

Never has an entire generation demanded to be rich and famous without having any clue how to get there. You just assume you're going to Kim-Kardashian your wool-hat and thumb-ring wearing tuchus there.  And why wouldn't you? 

We are seeing "American Idol" contestants who win the singing career lottery and then quit because they think recording and touring is too damn hard.

My generation was the first to grow up without the threat of forced military service. My grandparents? WWI and depression. My parents? Depression, WWII. Next generation? Korean War, Vietnam.

That is why I am making a prediction. It is my belief that the 18-28's are going to blow us all away. Curing cancer, ending wars, halting poverty and starvation. Computer programs that add 50 IQ points to whoever uses it. Music that doesn't just stir the soul, but inspires us to do great things. Make a battery that ends pollution and dependence on oil.

That is why things like this give me so much hope. A bullfighter confronted with the kind eyes of a dying soul who, even though bleeding to death from his wounds, will not attack the bullfighter. He is suddenly consumed and overwhelmed by the inhumanity of what he is doing and collapses, not only never to bullfight again, but to crusade against it. 


The smartest girl in my class went to Stanford and I ended up at UCSB. Today she couldn't get into UCSB and I couldn't get in Long Beach State. 

There is hope. 

Just lose the fucking wool hats and skinny jeans. 

Monday, July 16, 2012

The most honest three and a half minutes of television, EVER...

Here you go.

It has been hot. I'm sweating like a Penn State football coach waiting to hear from the NCAA. 

Huge increase in the amount of stingray attacks in Southern California. A stingray is a slimy bottom feeder who attacks without warning. They are the politicians of the sea. 

 Since you asked:
What kind of message would the NCAA be putting out if it doesn't give Penn State the death sentence at least? The kind of message that sports entities with priorities so out-of-whack like Penn State - and Nike, who's co-founder publicly defended Paterno's actions -  condone horrible atrocities due to their blind insane allegiance. 

By their inexcusable behavior, Penn State does not deserve to even have a football team.   

Here is my problem on swimming and a lot of other Olympic events. They are way too chummy. Almost as chummy as NASCAR which trades off between a few guys.

In Track they give a gold medal to the one guy who can go from 0 meters to 100 meters the fastest. Period. They don't give a medal to the guy who can run it sideways or backwards. There is a huge difference between running the 100 and the 400. There is almost no difference between swimming 100 and 400. 

Don't get me started with diving.

Michael Phelps is a great athlete. But the guy can take off three years of partying and come back as the favorite? And swimming is not like running. Swimming takes a lot longer. So the guy who is going to win the 100 is probably going to win everything up to 1,000 meters. 

How many real competitors are there in rowing? And why so many categories? There should be one sprint and one distance race. Solo boats and full crews. Knock out everything else. 

Tennis players are great athletes. But right now there are only three guys capable of winning a big tournament. This also true in gymnastics and other sports.  

Look at golf. No matter how great a player is, he starts at zero with 200 other great golfers.