Friday, July 13, 2012

Thursday, July 12, 2012

This just in: You know those snappy Ralph Lauren blue blazers and matching berets our Olympic team is wearing at the Opening Ceremonies? Made in China. But don't worry, the steroids they're on were made in the USA.

Just great. First viral picture of a stand up paddle dude and he is pulling a Pocahontas. (Paddling on his knees)
Hey buddah baby. How be doobie you be? 

Justin Bieber ticketed for going 101 mph? That has to be some kind of lesbian land speed record. 

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Yesterday at the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain, four of the poor, stupid, senseless mammals got hurt. But luckily all of the bulls were fine.

Congratulations to Kourtney Kardashian who had a baby girl. ‘Cause what we really needed was more Kardashian women.
On “Today” they unveiled the Olympic team’s opening day uniforms, which include a very snappy navy blue Ralph Lauren blazer and matching beret. This also marks the first time a straight man has uttered the words; a very snappy navy blue Ralph Lauren blazer and matching beret.

Since you asked:
If you were to go and rank the world's most evil people you are sort of obligated to start with murderous tyrants, Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot. 

After that I would go with terrorists, pedophiles and serial killers.

Included in this group? Website designers. 

Not saying web site designers are as evil as murderous tyrants or pedophiles, but they are on the list. From the guys who designed Twitter and Facebook down to the website for you local laundry.

Each website designer thinks their website is the only one in the world, so it has to have very annoying and cumbersome passwords. More than seven letters, less than seven letters. 14 letters and two numbers. Capitals sensitive, no caps.  

Thus insuring nobody can remember all of their passwords. So when you type in a wrong password? It asks you to type in the two words you see. The problem? They are not words. They are shapes that cannot be typed in. Once you try? It kicks you off and you can't log back in.

You give it a user I.D. It takes it. You type in a password. It tells you the password is wrong. You get the password right? It tells you, "Sorry, but we already have that user I.D." No crap, I just gave it to you. 

OK, I'll get on the 1-800 number, you think. A recording asks you to say your account number. You do and it tells you that you are wrong. But you aren't wrong. You get put on hold for 20 minutes. A close relative of Apu comes on long enough to ask; "How can I be of assist . . ." and then the line goes dead. It hung up on you.  

There some useful ways to measure the douchebaggery of someone. Do they use the word literally a lot?  Are they rude to service people? How far do they stop in the crosswalk? How long do they take to pull out of a parking spot if they know someone is waiting for them? Do they have a hard to pronounce name and insist on it being pronounced correctly? How close do they tailgate? Do they design websites? Do they work at Nike? Have they ever used the words "Good note"? Are they vegans? 

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Here is what I know: life is about being kind and loving your family and friends. The rest is pretty much Fabreze'ing the bowling shoes.
That's a clown question, Bro, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In baseball, it is the All Star Break, or as the Cubs call it: the break. 

Oh, one more thing. Nike is filled with a bunch of shanker-ridden, kachk-sacking, pig-faced trollops, and I wouldn't waste a bullet on 'em, let alone my seed.  

Since you asked:
Yo, Slats and Nugs, this here blog done up and blown up today. Six times more viewers than normal. Que es eso? 

Let me know.

Mr. Bojangles - Nitty Gritty Dirt Band - [With Lyrics]

The San Diego Bay Fourth of July fireworks show had a glitch and all the fireworks were shot off in ten seconds. To which guys turned to their girls and said; 

“See? I’m not the only one.” 

His Nibs

Monday, July 09, 2012

How To Know If Your Roommate Is A Wuss

He be due, doobie, doobie do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Man it has been hot across the country. In Chicago they’re sweating like Mitt Romney shopping at Wal Mart.

Roger Federer won his seventh Wimbledon. He has done better on grass than Willy Nelson.

The Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes divorce is sad because it was clearly a union of the heart based on honest love and not some sham career-building beard, whah, haha, ho, whew, I thought I could say it without laughing.

Brad Pitt’s mother has endorsed Mitt Romney. That is great, but I am going to hold out to see what Ashton Kucher’s mom thinks.

Since you asked:
Used to write for Dave, Shelly and Chainsaw, mostly Chainsaw. They got let go by KGB, picked up at Jack FM and, for some reason during that change, they will not so much as respond to my e-mails. For years I was a fairly sizable contributor/listener character and then nothing. 

There is some heartbreaking scene in a movie I can’t remember the name of where this adorable mentally challenged little boy’s father disappears and the boy is inconsolable. He is certain it was his fault and that he did something to make his father mad and promises over and over again to be good if he will just come back.

That’s the way I feel with the DSC. 

More things Wrigley used to do:

When you rubbed his belly he flopped on his back and put his paw over your shoulder for a little doggy hug while he made delighted snoring noises. 

When he was happy his tail would twirl like a propeller. "One of these days we's gonna has us a flyin' dawg," I said over and over. 

He had a ferocious-sounding bark that only a fool would ignore, but if they did and broke in, Wrigley would be there to great him warmly.   

Wrigley wanted to be included in everything. He even tried to follow you into the bathroom. When you came back out, guess who was sitting there wagging his tail? 

Wrigley never fully grasped the concept that some things you ate  were not meant for him. 

To his last days he would prance over to see you with sheer delight. When he was a puppy he would get turned a little sideways, but he kept coming forward, sideways or not. 

Watching Wrigley pad away, from behind he looked just like a growing lion cub. 

His cushion was by the fireplace so if we were in the kitchen his view of us was blocked by the couch. But if we opened some food, his sweet, goofy head would pop up over the couch like it was spring-loaded.

Often Virg would be on her computer in the kitchen and I am sitting on the floor with my back to the couch watching TV. When Wrigley got tired, to monitor both of us, he would lie where he could see both of us with his head on the ground. When he looked to the left at Virg, his left eyebrow went up. When at me he would slightly tilt his head to the right and the right eyebrow would go up. 

Lord I miss that sweet knuckle-headed dog.

Nike co-founder, Phil Knight, looks like the devil if the devil was mentally challenged

Cute pandas playing on the slide