Friday, August 12, 2011

Am I going crazy or this magnificent beast crankin' a left?

Y'ate sand, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Yesterday was not a good day if you owned stock in “The George Lopez Show.”

“Jersey Shore’s” Snooki is launching her own perfume. It is called Annoyance from Lo’réal.

TBS cancelled “The George Lopez Show.” The regular viewers were very upset, all ten of them.

Snooki is launching her own perfume. It is available at Bed, Bath and Beyond Skanky.

It is a perfect fragrance balance between the stench of low-self esteem and rancid odor of selfish stupidity.

It’s the perfect gift for the women in your life who wants to smell like the Long John Silver’s dumpster in Trenton, New Jersey.

Snooki is launching her own perfume. It smells just like Snooki: a pumpkin that has had too much Axe body spray rubbed on top of it.

It is not a good sign when you call your stock broker and get a recorded message that says; “Press one for English, press two for Spanish, press three if you own a gun and plan on visiting your stock broker.”

You know what the Wall Street term is for a short stock market rally following a big drop? They call that a dead cat bounce. Don’t confuse that with that thing on Donald Trump’s head, that is a dead weasel flop.

Tiger Woods fired his caddy, Steve Williams, Williams then caddied for Adam Scott who won the WGC-Bridgestone Invitational. For Tiger, that’s like finding out your ex-wife won the Powerball Lottery.

Tiger Woods’s ex-caddy, is writing a tell-all book about caddying for Tiger Woods. Something tells me we’re going to hear a lot of stories about Tiger Woods chasing his putter all around.

In Washington, a 12-year-old boy lived after being underwater for 20 minutes. He was underwater so much his parents changed his name to the US Government.

China is mad at the US for spending the money they lent us recklessly. When did the US turn into China’s irresponsible teenager? What’s next, is China going to ground us?

China then reminded us that money does not grow on trees and to sit up straight and improve our attitude, do you hear me, young man?

Dominoes’ website has a Pizza Tracker where you can follow your pizza’s progress from oven to delivery; how fat, needy and lazy have we become? “Honey, where is the pizza now?” “They’re taking it out of the oven, putting it in a box and, yes, its in the car. Dear lord, we’ll make it.”

Since you asked:
Cannot believe yesterday was the one month anniversary of Kasey’s passing. Poor Wrigley is so sad and lonely. His ears and tail droop. Or he is barking and whining like a maniac to come in. We bring him inside a lot and play and fuss all over him. Not sure which broke my heart more, when Wrigley used to run around looking for Kasey or the morning he didn’t.

And as much as I am nutty in love with dogs . . .

In Pacifica, California, a pregnant woman was killed by her pet pit bull. And cue the self-righteous tirade from pit bull owners saying it is the owners, not the breed. And tell that to the man who lost his wife and his soon-to-be child to a vicious pit bull, aka, their family pet.

If you're a pit bull defender and this offends you? Good.

In 2010, pit bulls and and just one or two rottweilers accounted for 79% of all fatal dog attacks on humans. They represent a mere 7% of the dog population.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Snooki to launch her own fragrance. Normally when someone from "Jersey Shore" launches a fragrance it is after someone pulled their finger.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Laird Hamilton Standup Paddle Surfing Hanalei.MP4

Oh, come on, man, I’ll be your Doug, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A man in Arizona discharged his girlfriend’s tiny carnation-colored hand gun in his trousers and shot trough his genitalia. In other words, a pink pistol in his pants popped a cap in his pee-pee.

The good news is he is fine. The better news is the New York Giants are going to sign him.

In New Jersey, they arrested a woman working at Dunkin’ Donuts who was doubling as a prostitute. She charged extra for Long John’s, if you know what I mean.

61-year-old marathon swimmer, Diana Nyad, tried to swim 100 miles from Cuba to Miami, but she quit halfway through. So her coach must be Sarah Palin.

She survived the sharks, jelly fish and stingrays, but, in the end, the five Cuban refugees standing on her back were simply too much.

What a whimp, she could only swim 50 miles in the open ocean. After driving 50 miles, I need to stop at a Starbucks and rest.

A man in Arizona shot himself when he stuffed his girlfriend’s pink pistol in his pants. Remember how former Giant, Plaxico Burress, shot himself in the leg when he stuffed a gun in his pants? This Arizona guy actually Plaxico’d himself in his Burress.

Since you asked:
As always, I’ve told this story before (when did you turn into that sad, lonely old guy chatting everyone up at the Laundromat?) Shut up, inner tirade.

So I am watching my beloved Cubbies at 6 pm, Virg, my wife, comes rushing in to the house after going to get the mail - which I always do, this had to be the first time in five years she got it when I was around - and shouts:

“Our neighbor’s water heater is on fire.”

This gets my attention, so I run outside. In the open garage – they never leave their garage door open – I see it wasn’t the water heater, it is a cabinet and there is a huge three foot ball of fire on top of it lapping at the garage ceiling. I run 10 yards away and grab a carton of big Pure Flow bottled waters just then deposited on our driveway and start dousing them on the flames. Six bottles later the fire is out and smoking. There were literally great balls of fire rolling on the ground the size of soccer balls.

Turns out they had installed a spot light above the cabinet, stowed a huge package of CostCo toilet paper in front of it, turned on the light when they left and the giant package of toilet paper caught fire. The balls were the rolls of toilet paper. It wasn’t hard to put out paper, but the wall was about to go up. Got a few first degree burns on my wrists and hands, but nothing bad.

We call the fire department and then Virg goes and gets the hose from our garage and instructs me to hose down the smoldering wall in case the fire wants to start up again. Now I am thinking what if there is an exposed wire? Dropping the bottles on the fire I was not connected, but if I was holding a hose that hit raw electricity, I was thinking I could get electrocuted.

Virg essentially scoffs at me for being a whimp and tells me to spray the black, smokey wall . (Notice she didn’t offer to spray the wall?”)

So I spray the wall and the smoking stops. The fire truck shows up, San Diego’s finest look at the fire damage on the wall and the guy inspecting called me to come over. He showed me where the fire was just about to go inside the wall where it connected at the ceiling.

“One more quarter inch and this fire goes inside. You saved this house, no question.”

The firefighters shook my hand. My eyes watered up I was so moved.

“We’re supposed to tell people to wait and call us” said a younger woman firefighter, “but in this case it was damn good you didn’t.”

The woman of the house, Nancy, drives up and is in total shock. Told her not to worry and what happened and she was relieved. There are no nicer people on the planet than our neighbors, Mike and Nancy. It was a pure honor to be able to help them. The smoke damage was so extensive they had to have their garage re-walled.

After, Virg wandered over to a group of concerned neighbors to tell them what happened. Too modest to want to accept their praise, I went back inside to my Cubs game.

Along with some quick action, there was some amazing coincidences. One, I always get the mail, if I had, Virg wouldn’t have seen the fire. Two, the water was delivered moments before. Three, they left their garage door open and they never have before, or Virg would not have seen it.

The next day, one by one, our neighbors came by to see what happened. As they greeted me, they all said the exact same thing:

“Good thing Virginia put out that fire.”

Now, I did not want a parade nor a medal, but telling someone to put out a fire – which Virg no doubt did – and actually putting the fire out with water, are too very different things.

Not to Virg.

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

This right here at McCovey Cove was where my tuchus was paddling on a cold, windy day.

Boogie with Stewie-dogs, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The rating service, Moody, said, even though we passed the debt ceiling, they may still downgrade our bond rating. Moody? They’re downright bitchy.

In New Jersey, they arrested a woman working at Dunkin’ Donuts who was doubling as a prostitute. Trust me, you don’t want to buy the glazed donuts there.

A Colorado man had a hotdog on his truck’s antenna for ten years. The hot dog was ten years old. Or as New York hot dog vendors said; “Yeah? So what?”

Residents of Washington, DC are the biggest cocaine users. This brings new meaning to the term: political blowhards.

Apparently there were lots of line items they didn’t veto.

The #5 party school is University of California at Santa Barbara.. Gosh, I wonder why? Put 20,000 attractive 18-21-year-olds at the beach on their parent’s dime and UCSB makes the Playboy mansion look like a monastery.

UCSB is the only school whose bookstore sells back-to-school condoms.

MTV is 30 years old. To show you how old I am, I can remember when the Music Television actually had music on the television.

Now, instead of Music Television, they show episodes of “Teen Mom” and “Jersey Shore.” In fact, MTV now stands for Mindless Television.

The rating service, Moody, said, even though we passed the debt ceiling, they may still downgrade our bond rating. Bond ratings go AAA, to BBB, to CCC. Our bonds? CRAP.

The rating service, Moody, said, even though we passed the debt ceiling, they may still downgrade our bond rating. The bond rating would go from AAA, down to AA. AA means you’d have to be a drunk to buy them.

“Soul Surfer” is out on DVD. It’s the true story of a girl, Bethany Hamilton, who loses her arm to a shark but still becomes a professional surfer through courage, faith and hard work. What a crappy sports story. Where are the steroids? Where are the DUI’s? Where are the lockouts?

Since you asked:

What a great weekend in NoCal. Mustang soccer tournament in Walnut Creek/Danville and our girls were amazing. They tied last year’s National champions and beat two other great teams.

Fun dinners with the awesome soccer families, one was at a great place in Walnut Creek called Jack’s. Killer fish and chips.

Sunday I rented – for lack of a better word - a stand up paddle board and paddled to McCovey Cove. This alleged stand up board was really a kayak, made out of orange hard plastic, that you stood on. Tippy isn’t the word. If an Indo board was that tippy people would die using them.

Somehow managed to navigate all the sail boats and ferrys and stayed up and out of the 50 degree water in the 25 mph winds on a cold, foggy day. What an experience, though. Scary, but fun. A local kayaker showed me a way to sneak through the pier through this dark, creepy catacomb of pillars and pipes rather than paddle all the way around the open bay where the break water stops and stand up paddle boarders go to die even when not on a tippy plastic cork.

To give you an idea how cold and windy it was, there were only two other kayakers out and one prone-paddle boat. And only one idiot stand up paddler who was yours truly.

Paddled for 1 ½ hours walked for 2 1/2 hours. No trouble sleeping Sunday night.

San Francisco is an amazingly great city. And the folks there get a bad rap for being snotty. For my money they were nice. Much nicer than the folks here in Carmel Valley. Hip, true, but nice. And those are some rabid Giants fans. Those folks love their team. Granted they just won the World Series, but, being a Chicago Cubs fan, I know true die-had fans when I see them.

I know the goods when I see them and them Giants fans are the goods. Had some awesome oysters and a Fat Tire beer at a bar on the water by AT&T.

Had a-three- shrimp cocktail at the bar at Morton’s in Union Square. The shrampy-shramps were the size of my friggin’ head. And I gotta huuuuuge-ass head. So tasty.