Friday, February 25, 2011

Send this guy to Libya, hell, he outranks Col. Gadhafi

Can it really have been a year since “Pants on the ground,” Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

A study reveals spider venom can have a more potent effect on causing erections than Viagra. This explains how that Spider-Man dork, Peter Parker, got so many hot babes.

George Clooney said he has sex with too many women to run for office. Asked to comment, Bill Clinton and the ghost of John F. Kennedy awkwardly declined.

A drunk guy drove his car into a liquor store to steal liquor bottles. For the love of god, Mel Gibson, get some help.

The judge in the Lindsay Lohan jewelry theft case said any plea would result in jail time for Lohan; its all part of California’s new get-tough 42-strikes-and-you’re-out law.

Lindsay Lohan was ticketed for speeding. All we know is she wasn’t speeding to get to an audition or to return jewelry.

There is a debate on whether sexual addiction is a real illness or just an excuse when men get caught misbehaving. Either way, the cure for male sex addiction is the same for when you have a Viagra erection lasting over four hours: A picture of Betty White naked.

In Libya, dictator Moammar Gadhafi refuses to resign. I don’t know about this Gaddafi guy, he looks like the New York cab driver who denies you’ve passed the Statue of Liberty twice.

I don’t know about the Kaddafi guy. He looks like the guy selling umbrellas in New York who doubles the price when it starts to rain.

I don’t know about this Gadhafi guy, he looks like the guy working the late shift at the adult bookstore. Or so somebody told me.

I don’t know about this Gadhafi guy, he looks like the carpet cleaner who waits until the job’s done before he tells your half-off coupon doesn’t apply.

I don’t know about this Gadhafi guy, he looks like the guy at the car wash who steals the change in your cup holder.

I don’t know about this Kaddafi guy, he looks like the car mechanic who says; “Sure, your car seems fine, but if you don’t replace the entire engine it could blow up.”

I don’t know about this Gaddafi guy. He looks like the Seven Eleven clerk who yells; “Buy the magazines or put away. This not being a library.”

Since you asked:
You know that hot girl bar trick where they tie a cherry stem in a knot with their tongue? Just found out it is a hoax. They tie a stem into a knot with their hands and pop it in their mouth when you’re not looking. Then they pop the untied one in there and pull out the tied one.

Now I am going to have to seriously reconsider the credibility of about ten old girlfriends. But it explains why some of them were not as, well, adroit with their tongue as I had hoped they'd be.

Apropos of nada squatta . . .
Google, Skype, Twitter, Blogger, Yahoo, is there a reason these gazillionaire computers dorks have to use goofy names?

Just finished a paid writing job early. Now I gots me that all-too-rare got-into-the-college-I-wanted, date-with-a-hot-girl, just-flossed, clipped-nails and got a haircut, post-work out, car washed, cash-in-wallet, about-to-have-a-cocktail-and-grill-meat feeling.

I say now, can I get a boo yah on the skoo yah one time now?


Thursday, February 24, 2011

"On a dark dessert highway, Cool Whip in my hair" (Don Henley's first draft)

Is it just me, or does this Moammar Gadhafi clown look like the guy on your plane whom you deeply suspect is passing all that nasty gas you keep smelling?

"Sports Illustrated" has a great piece on famous and not-so-famous athletes that have dropped the "Do you know who I am?" Including a surprisingly nasty Bill Walsh. When an underage Tiger Woods dropped it on a casino employee, the employee replied with "I don't care if you're the Lion King.

The list includes the obvious world class a-holes of Michael Irvin, Qyntel Woods and Ozzie Conseco.

Here is a little litmus test. If you have ever seriously dropped a DYKWIA, you are a bonafide, parking-in-two-spaces, parking-in-the-red-zone, hand-held-cell-phone-while-driving, no-turn-signal-using world class DEWHEWHEW OUCHE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG!

Introducing his Nibs, Sir Crankin McRighty

To be candid, my flankerslacken is a little hinky on the bloberblassen, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Bill Clinton revealed he only sent two e-mails while he was President. And turns out both of those Russian mail-bride deals were a rip-off hoax.

A couple in Egypt named their baby Facebook in honor of Facebook’s role in their revolution. And in New Jersey, a woman named her baby MySpace simply to punish the father.

In Libya, dictator Moammar Gaddafi may resign. He could hand over power to his second son, Kim Jong Un Gaddafi, bypassing his hard-partying oldest boy, Charlie Sheen Gaddafi.

There is unrest in Libya and what do you expect? This is a country where nobody knows how to spell the evil dictator’s name. The guy Moammar Gaddafi is the Hanukkah of ruthless dictators. Is Gaddafi spelled with a G? A Q? A K? At least North Korea knows how to spell Kim Jong Il.

In Malaysia, police arrested a man for stealing over 700,000 condoms. I’m begging you, Charlie Sheen, get some help.

Is it just me or does Moammar Gadhafi look like the carpet cleaner who waits until your job is over to tell you your half-off coupon does not apply?

Got quite the recipe for you, Slatasi and Nuggasuarases.

Great Shrimp Recipe
Marinate peeled and de-veined shrimp in Wesson oil, garlic powder and Old Bay seasoning at least one hour. Soak bamboo skewers. Cut up pineapple into less than one inch cubes. Cut green onions into less than one inch strips.

Alternate three shrimps - shrimp, then pineapple, shrimp then pineapple - and three pieces of pineapple and then put the green onion on top of the skewer. Dust with Old Bay and pepper, grill on a hot grill and there you go. Just make sure the shrimp is done. I like to see a little char.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Oh my goodness, this right here a handsome boy

Step on over wit' yo' good foot, now

It’s all good in the ‘hood as it should could, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Westminster Dog Show was on the USA Channel last week, but I didn’t watch it; if I want to see a bunch of bitches howling at the same time, I’ll watch “The View.”

It’s reported that the Kardashians made over $65 million this year. That explains why, if you move the letters in Kardashian around, it spells: Rain da kash.

Just when you thought things couldn’t get more unstable in the Middle East, today the entire Middle East was charged with stealing a necklace and announced they will rehab at home.

The “National Enquirer” report that OJ Simpson was beaten in prison is not true. Reporting a false story like that is irresponsible, almost as irresponsible as it would be to announce there is now a 50-cigarette-carton reward for any prisoner who makes the OJ-beating story true.

A study reveals it can be very unhealthy to sleep with your pets. Especially Paris Hilton. There is no telling what diseases those poor dogs could get from her.

It is now reported that 200 people became ill after a party at the Playboy Mansion. They were nauseas, they vomited, they had cramps. It’s the same thing that’s going to happen to Hef’s bride on their honeymoon.

It’s reported that the Kardashians made over $65 million this year. And $30,000 of that was actually earned.

Lady Gaga arrived at the VMA’s in a meat dress, then she was at the Grammys in an egg, to lower her cholesterol, at the Academy Awards she is arriving in a bottle of Lipitor.