So Bradley Cooper can speak fluent French. So what? Pepe Le Pew speaks French and he never got the hot cat.

Coop, as I call him, probably learned French when he was enrolled in Pretty Boy University majoring in Bite Me, You Lucky Bastard.

To be blunt, I listened to the interview and Cooper used a lot of the words over and over again. Tres bon, tres bon, oui, oui, ha, ha, huh, huh.

Fine, so Bradley Cooper is smart, refined, sophisticated, rich, talented, funny, good looking, in great shape, single . . . what was my point and why am I so very tired and sad?

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, (apologies Dennis Miller, babe, and Amy Poehler on Angelina Jolie) but, OK, Brad Cooper, we get it. You're cooler than us, richer than us, you look great with greasy hair and stubble where it makes us look like a serial killer.

And now you speak perfect French. Ewwww. Jacque le blu. Let me ask you a serious question, Super-Dooper Cooper: Can you grill a perfectly medium rare bone-in Ribeye? Can you stand up paddle board surf in the morning and then play lead harmonica with a band that night? No? Didn't think so, call me when you can.

Two words: Boooo and Yahhhh. Adding a third, FACE.

Announcer: "This just in: After winning "The Food Network" award for best barbeque steak, actor Bradley Cooper has been named lead harmonica player for the Doheny Beach Blues Festival where, earlier that day, he will make his professional debut as the odds-on favorite in the Dana Point Stand Up Paddle Board surfing contest."

Damn it!