Monday, January 10, 2011

This is the ticket



We gonna splatter that tatter in shatters, shadoobee, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


The first male prostitute for women hired a year ago by the Shady Lady brothel in Nevada is opening his own shop. It’s called; “Bed, Bath and Beyond Three Minutes.”

He’s running a special on listening, spooning and empathizing.

Snooki’s book is out. “I can’t wait to read it for tips on living with quiet grace and dignity,” said nobody.

In his speech to the House, speaker John Boehner cried again. Our most powerful congressman and he cries at tampon commercials, that should shake up the terrorists.

Makes you long for the days when our congressional leaders were stoic, macho, icy and strong, you know, like Nancy Pelosi.

A man broke into a house and got so drunk he couldn’t get out, dialed 911 for help and was arrested. For the love of god, Mel Gibson, get some help.

An 18-year-old Florida man chewed up the seat in the police car. He was charged with being drunk and disorderly and impersonating Kirsty Alley.

Snooki’s book is out. The only problem is when you handle it your finger-tips get all Cheetos orange-like from the spray tan.

I tried to put Snooki’s new book on my iPad, but it gave my iPad a sexually transmitted disease.

New York City has 50,000 tons of uncollected garbage. Even more if you count the Knicks and the Mets.

A homeless man, Ted Williams, with a classic radio voice has landed a home and a job working for the Cleveland Cavaliers. The Cavs were really impressed with his “LeBron James Sucks” demo tape.

Saturday night made my Lex’s bone-sucking ribs.

Not easy, labor wise, but fun on a cloudy weekend with plenty of playoff games. Squeezed in a good workout before.

Peel off the back membrane from the baby backs. Marinate in 2 quarts of apple cider and nearly a cup of salt (Mix until salt is dissolved) for at least two hours. Longer is better. Put ribs on a two-part pan with a slotted top and pour some Budweiser under, rub with “Bone-Sucking Sauce” rub, cover with foil, put in the oven at 200 degrees for four hours.

For barbeque sauce, dice and sweat onions and garlic. Add a jar of peach preserves, a healthy dollop or more of apple cider vinegar, same with ketchup, half a bottle of Bud, a big splash of chicken broth, salt, garlic powder, pepper, a dash of chipotle sauce and let simmer down by at least half or until thick.

Prepare half the amount of mesquite coals in the grill chimney, soak hickory chips in a bowl of water. Place the coals on one side of the Weber, put half the soaked hickory chips on top. Put the ribs on the indirect heat side. Cover. After half an hour, add rest of hickory chips, slather/apply barbeque sauce. At the end of another half hour, (hour total) put the ribs over the fire for grill marks.

Let the ribs settle under a tin foil tent. Slice individually or in pairs of ribs – they should cut like butter - serve on a platter, slather on remaining sauce and decorate with sliced peaches.

Baked beans, salad, cornbread, beer. Bob is your Uncle. And serve with hand wipes. And the blues. And candles.

Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw.