Thursday, December 30, 2010

This is the namesake that inspired my new all-girl country rock blues band, Molly Smoooches. This right here none other than her nibs, Molly the boots.

Got some unsettling comedy writing news to report.

A friend of ours was on a vacation with his family in a very nice resort in Cabo San Lucas and guess who was at the pool? Paris Hilton. It pains me to report he said she was very sweet to everyone and friendly and even asked to get her picture taken with his kids.


Yes, I am still going to do Paris Hilton jokes, but not with as much relish.

So I ask this guy:

"Where in the East to you live?"

"Fill a fluffia."

"Fill a fluffia?" I ask.

"Yeah, Fill a fluffia, Pennsylvania."

(I wrote this on July, 27, 2010)
Terrell Owens has signed with the Cincinnati Bengals?

Let’s just fire up the time machine real quick:

At training camp, Chad Ochocinco and Carson Palmer remark how hard a worker T.O. is and how they all get along fine.

After two games, a clearly upset T.O. tells the press he should be getting the ball more. Afterwards, Carson Palmer and Chad Ochocinco say everyone is still getting along fine.

Week five, rumors of a fight at practice between Chad Ochocinco and T.O. are denied by all concerned.

Week ten, Carson Palmer denies having an argument with T.O. saying people don’t have to be best friends to play football.

T.O. denies he started a rumor Chad Ochocinco is going to be traded.

Another rumor of a fight, this time between Carson Palmer and T.O.

Bengals coach Marvin Lewis denies that T.O.’s diminished playing time means he will be gone after the season adding; “Let’s just see how things happen.

T.O. is cut at the end of a disappointing season.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

This just in:

In their last storm, parts of Southern California got over two inches of rain in one day. Or as they call that on the East Coast: Still not snow, you mambie pambie Jack Wagons.

The NFL has fined Brett Favre $50,000 for texting pictures of his junk to a female reporter. $50,000, or, roughly, $12, 500 per inch.

Hey oh.

Just saw a recipe for a fried banana and peanut butter and bourbon sandwich. Now if you could just pack in uppers, downers and smothering sycophants, it would be everything that killed Elvis.

Conan explained by a dumb guy.

As a huge fan of the Conan O'Brien, I think I've figured out how to describe a key factor in his likability: Conan is that rarest commodities; a really smart guy who doesn't shove his superiority down our dumb-ass throats.

(Sorry other really smart guys, you know how your mother told you we didn't like you because we were jealous, but deep down you knew we just didn't like you? You were right. But, hey, that's what makes you smarter than us)

Another aspect of the Conesky O'Bonesky I dig is his humor isn't malicious. (Yes, I can be guilty of that) He, the Bone-man, is the most often used target of his wit. His hair, his lanky body, his they're-so-tragically-bad- they're-funny dance moves. His horribly hammy and ham-fisted pick up lines and cat purrrs.

Conan's attitude and comfort with his superior brain reminds me of when I went to a Del Mar party full of members of Seal Team One. When I heard the Seals would be at the party, I cringed with a stereotype concept of a bunch of crazy macho muscle car type guys getting hammered and acting obnoxious.

Not the case at all. The Seals were almost eerily calm and comfortable. Then it hit me. Why wouldn't they be calm? They know they can kill everyone else with their thumbs if they had to.

Conan knows - if angered like the Hulk - he could double-snap your head and shatter your neck with his wit if he had a mind to. But he sits there serene with his vast talent. Or, in a chicken and egg way, maybe it is his talent that make him serene?

Who knows, Slattinas and Nuggaloids? Who knows?

All I know there are operatives in Vietnam who are depending on me to get to the drop zone, stat. Xbox, "Call of Duty: Black Ops" here I come. Get ready to turn into clam chowder, brain.

Reason # 7,845 Why I love this country:

One second I am gunning down countless Vietcong screaming at the Xbox:

"Get some, get some, you know you love my hot lead, you commie bastards, so eat it motherf*ckers. Ha, ha, ah."

Doorbell rings, next second I am saying to adorable next door neighbor 5-year-old grand daughter, Keelie;

"Was Santa good to you? You got an American Girl doll? You must have been a good girl. No honey, Ann Caroline is on a sleep over. She'll play tomorrow. Bye, bye."

Close the door. Turn Xbox back on.

"You want some too? Hahahahahhahaha. How about a little more American sunshine up your @ss? Get some."

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Molly Smooches is my new all-girl rock country blues band, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

MTV announced “Jersey Shore” Snooki will be in the ball that drops in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. Normally if folks in New York want to watch a dropped ball they go watch the Mets

“Playboy” founder, 84-year-old Hugh Hefner is engaged to 24-year-old Crystal Harris. Hef thought she cried when he gave her the ring? Wait until she finds out an octogenarian isn’t someone who doesn’t eat octopus.

Lindsay Lohan comes back late to the Betty Ford Center after drinking all night and gets in a physical confrontation with a staff member and now that staff member has been fired. Fired for what? Killing Lindsay’s buzz? Aren’t Betty Ford counselors supposed to oppose bar hopping?

To give you an idea how much rain there was in California, at the Betty Ford Center, some water actually got into Lindsay Lohan’s Whisky and water.

“Playboy” founder, 84-year-old Hugh Hefner is engaged to 24-year-old Playmate, Crystal Harris. When asked what it is like to be engaged to an Octogenarian, Harris said, it’s fine, I’m a Sagittarius.

“Playboy” founder, 84-year-old Hugh Hefner is engaged to 24-year-old Playmate, Crystal Harris. 60 years apart, that is a wide spread. In fact the only thing that’s been spread wider than that has been Crystal.

A 25-year old Iowa man called 911 and turned himself in because he was too drunk to drive. He was arrested for drunk driving and charged with being too stupid to own a car.

A Wisconsin man was fined $400 for swearing on a bus. I believe his exact words were; “I can’t believe its Christmas time and I am riding an effing bus.”

“Playboy” founder, 84-year-old Hugh Hefner is engaged to 24-year-old Playmate, Crystal Harris. Don’t forget, 84 is the new 44 in rich and famous dude’s years.

Monday, December 27, 2010

84-year-old Hugh Hefner is engaged to 24-year-old Crystal Harris. But don't forget, 84 is the new 44 in rich-and-famous-Vigra-popping-guy-years.

You've heard of May to December romances? This a may-make-it-through-the-honeymoon romance.