Saturday, November 27, 2010

In the immortal words of Carl Spackler: "Oh, you're a monkey woman, yes you are."

We gonna refudiate that mess up in this piece, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The turkeys President Obama pardoned are from California; great, just what we need, another two stupid turkeys without a job.

We found out what caused the mortar attack from North Korea on South Korea; it’s an old feud, North Korea is team Jacob, South Korea is team Edward.

Those airport TSA full-body scanners are really thorough and invasive; one actually detected some dancing talent in Bristol Palin.

TMZ has published the text messages between Charlie Sheen and his porn star, Capri Anderson, the night of their incident. Like the message Charlie sent that started their fight: “WTF do U mean Jon Cryer is bigger?”

The Pittsburgh Steelers are upset over the relatively small fine, $25,000, Oakland Raider, Richard Seymour received for punching Ben Roethlisberger in the face. Roethlisberger is particularly upset because he has to pay a lot more than that when he punches a girl in the face.

Bristol Palin was finally knocked off “Dancing with the Stars.” Bristol knocked off “Dancing with the Stars.” We’re just happy Bristol wasn’t knocked-up on “Dancing with the Stars.”

We found out what caused the mortar attack from North Korea on South Korea; North Korea didn’t want South Korea to put walnuts in the Thanksgiving turkey stuffing.

We found out what caused the mortar attack from North Korea on South Korea; It’s an old feud, see South Korea is team Jacob, and North Korea is team: “Holy crap, Kim Jong Il is crazy.”

In France, a woman was trapped in a bathroom for three weeks; to show you how desperate and bored she became, the French woman took a bath.

Her American neighbor became suspicious when the French woman hadn’t been rude to her for weeks.

We found out what caused the mortar attack from North Korea on South Korea; North Korea planned to invade South Korea because they were short on supplies of the traditional Korean Thanksgiving feast: Beagle.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Look out, everybody, 'cause it's another surfin' daaaawwwwwwg

It’s cold, we gonna get the fleece on up in this piece, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

These invasive TSA airport searches aren’t all bad. Kirsty Alley found her lost TV remote.

The Illinois-Northwestern game was played in Wrigley Field on a shortened padded one-way field. That’s not the weirdest part, somehow the Chicago Cubs lost.

The Illinois-Northwestern game was played in Wrigley Field this weekend. A game in Wrigley Field in the late fall? Is that even possible?

This week they broke ground on the George W. Bush Library. It’s located in Irony Town next to the Charlie Sheen Monastery.

You know what is a great job? Being a writer on “Two and a Half Men.” You get paid a fortune and all you have to do is ask; “Hey, Mr. Sheen, what did you do this weekend?”

The latest trend in pornography is women who, shall we say, let their garden grow retro-style. They got the idea when Bush’s book came out.

Everyone is excited about Prince William and Kate Middleton’s engagement. Camilla Parker Bowles is so excited she is going to wear her best bridle to the bridal shower.

This new invasive TSA airport search procedure has gone too far. Delta has had to officially change their motto to “We love to fly and it shows . . . in our pants.”

This new invasive airport search procedure have gone too far. There is no justifiable reason why that big, hairy TSA agent did better with me than I did with Karen Hansen after the prom.

President Obama agrees the TSA searches are annoying, but they are necessary to fight terrorism; oh, bouncers are going to run with this; “Excuse me pretty lady, but if you don’t let me rub you down, the terrorists will win.”

The good news? I made into the “People” sexiest men alive issue. The bad news? It was as a Neil Patrick Harris turn off.

In the Pittsburgh win over the Oakland Raiders, Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger was punched and flattened. Or as two-time sexual assault-charged Roethlisberger calls punching someone: a date.

Pittsburgh Steeler QB and two-time sexual assault-charged, Ben Roethlisberger, was punched and flattened by Oakland Raider Richard Seymour. The bad news for Seymour is he was ejected and will be fined. The good news? N.O.W has named Seymour man of the year.

Since you asked:

We just had a discussion with friends about whether John Travolta is or isn’t. (Yes, I know, they, John and Kelly, just had a boy)

Let’s review. For a straight male, I have impeccable gaydar because my brother was gay. So when somebody has a quirk, or gesture, or resembles something about my brother, it gets a bell.

For example, comedian Russell Brand set off one bell. Turns out he is straight as they come. My system isn’t flawless. But if two or more bells go off? Gay. Not that there is anything wrong with it, I’m just edifying.

John Travolta? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Remember, if a guy is handsome, can sing and dance, he is probably very likely, most possibly, quite probably gay, gay, gay.

The handsome barometer between a gay man and a straight man is Russell Crowe. If a guy is much handsomer, in a pretty way, than Russell Crowe, then he is probably gay. That’s not always true, there are some straight pretty boys to be sure: Brad Pitt, Paul Newman, rest in peace, Ryan Reynolds, Rob Lowe, that Spanish guy who does the bee in those things.

But that’s about it.

Oh, please don’t say; “Buh, b, b, but what about Tom Cruise, eeehhhh?”

Tom, albeit appearing to be a perfectly nice fellow, sets off my gaydar bells more than Christmas at Saint Mary’s Cathedral. The guy chose the name Cruise around 1980. In 1980 cruising was the most hardcore, gayest thing a man could do. He could have picked any name, but he picked Cruise.

Antonio Banderas. Just remembered the Spanish guy.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Hey to the way to the say hey nay now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Ryan Reynolds was named “People” world’s sexiest man. Hopefully this honor, in some small way, will help Ryan cope with the fact he is a talented rich movie star married to Scarlett Johanson.

Prince William and Kate Middleton are engaged. Everyone in the royal family is excited, Camilla Parker Bowles jumped up and down so much she threw a horseshoe.

Prince William and Kate Middleton are engaged. She is smoking hot and he is, well, let’s just say if you want to get them a present, they are registered at “Bed, Bath and Way Beyond William’s League.”

Ryan Reynolds was named “People” world’s sexiest man. That can’t be an easy title to live up to, buy underwear in bulk at Costco and you get “You’re the world’s sexiest man?” Refill your Viagra prescription and it’s “You’re the world’s sexiest man?” Get caught watching goat porn and it’s “You’re the worlds sexiest man?” 

“Jersey Shore” the Situation and Bristol Palin filmed a PSA on abstinence and birth control. Next up, a PSA on the virtues of discipline and clean living with Charlie Sheen and Paris Hilton.

Bristol was pregnant at 16, the Situation sleeps with skanks so nasty he has to dip them in a hot Jacuzzi before he touches them. Not exactly Mother Teresa and the Pope.

Since you asked:

At the Mark Twain Award for American Humor award show for Tina Fey, I was tagged by something the great Steve Martin said:

“Tina Fey writes for the page, not for the bit.”

How generous and apt indeed. Anyone can write: “Toddler bat hits guy in nutz.” It’s going to be funny, but it isn’t funny to read. Tina Fey chooses her words carefully and then crafts them exquisitely to make lines that are so witty and clever I have to rewind them to fully appreciate them.

This is what all great comedy writers do instinctively, maticulousness is the price we pay for brilliance. Maticiloulisness. Matickyoulessnesst, we are real picky-like about our words.

Monday, November 22, 2010

In sports parlance this is known as putting the tarp on the Sharapova

Known from coast to coast like butter and toast, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The FDA has banned alcoholic energy drinks. Thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, Charlie Sheen.

Ryan Reynolds won “People” magazine’s sexiest man alive. And Keith Richards won sexiest man not alive.

Once again I got snubbed by “People’s” sexiest men issue. You let one paparazzi shoot you slurping Fruit Loops while scratching your butt in your Spider-Man underpants and it’s all over.

A German coffin maker is trying to attract gay clients by offering gay images on their coffins. For an extra $1,000, they will put the gayest image of all time on a coffin: Cher riding a unicorn under a rainbow.

A Wisconsin man, enraged by Bristol Palin’s “Dancing with the Stars” performance, shot out his TV with a shot gun. In Wisconsin, this is the closest they get to coming out of the closet. Before this it was ordering light beer and sushi.

It’s amazing the emotions Bristol Palin generates on “Dancing with the Stars” Some people hate her as clumsy and corny, others love the way she has improved. The gay community hasn’t been this divided since Dick Cheney supported same-sex marriage.

Since you asked:

“Ask anybody about Freddie Bisco. When I get a Ferrari, (Curly finger snaps) it’s out the door.”