Friday, November 19, 2010

My favorite Stones lineup and era

Getting’ all kinds of all up in their bidness, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“People” named Ryan Reynolds as the sexiest man alive. Hey, I made that issue. I am smack in between Seth Rogan and some stuff found in Zach Galifianakis’s beard.

Guess who’s on twitter? Tiger Woods. So, guys, before you get on twitter, make sure you’re wearing a condom.

Tiger’s not on twitter the social networking site, he’s on an Orlando stripper named Twitter.

Former President Bill Clinton shot a cameo appearance for the movie “Hangover 2” while in Thailand. It was a little awkward when former President George W. Bush was told Clinton shot a cameo in Thailand; “Is it cameo hunting season already?”

Beatles songs are now available on iTunes. For young people who might not know, the Beatles were a group of the most talented singers and songwriters who ever lived. And Ringo Starr was their drummer.

Facebook will have an e-mail application. So those hundreds of alleged friends who were notified it was your birthday, but didn’t bother to click a response? Now you can send them an e-mail they won’t want.

A study reveals teenagers with ADHD are more likely to get in automobile accidents. This study was brought to you by the people who make painfully obvious and stupid studies.

An Alabama man accused of sexually assaulting a horse hired an attorney named Cowboy Bob. Well, that’s smart, everybody knows cowboys don’t have sex with their horses, they call it: making love.

“People” named Ryan Reynolds sexiest man alive. Reynolds is no better than any of us guys. Sure, he has washboard abs, ok, he is handsome, yes, he has amazing hair, sure, he is a very famous rich and talented actor married to Scarlett Johanson. Where was I going with this and why am I suddenly so depressed?

No worries, guys, I have it on good inside Hollywood gossip that Reynolds, although a nice guy, is well, you know, he’s Canadian.

In sad news, NBA star Tony Parker is splitting up with his wife, Eva Longoria. They announced it on ESPN on an hour long show called The Division.

Construction began this week on the George W. Bush Presidential Library. In his own words, Bush said this Library will be right bookliefied.

Since you asked:
One of the most hilarious and interesting things about reading about the Rolling Stones is that all of them are far more like polite proper English gentleman than I ever would have believed. But especially the drummer, Charlie Watts.

Whatever my pre-conceptions of the personality and life of the drummer of the nastiest, raunchiest, rockingest, hardest partying rock band in history would be like, Charlie Watts is the opposite.

Polite, correct, dapper and a devoted father and husband. As much as I love them, there is not one Keith Moon nor Jon Bonham – rest in peace – bone is Charlie’s body. He doesn’t even like rock and roll, he is a devoted eclectic jazz aficionado.

Quirky to the point of lovably nuts, Charlie has never had a driver’s license and is an expert collector of just about anything you can think of that is classy and expensive: oriental rugs, antique cars, art, furniture. One almost gets the sense the only reason Charlie stayed with the Stones is to feed his collection addiction.

That’s right, the drummer of the greatest rock and roll band cannot stand rock music. He can’t stand being a rock star. He probably only does it because he is too polite and nice to quit. He doesn’t drink much and doesn’t cheat on his wife-for-life and, except for a brief addiction to pain killers to put up with the road, Keith and Mick in the eighties, he didn’t do drugs.

What is easy to overlook is all of the Stones are very much children of England in post WWII. All knew the value and importance and appreciation of having good tea or rationed meat or decent shoes. Mick Jagger to this day cannot get over the fact he can have and eat as much fresh fruit as he wants.

Has there ever been a recipe in the food section of a newspaper that didn’t completely suck? It’s always something trying to be exotic like acorn, radish and lug nut soup. And you have to get the ingredients in your local Djibouti market. Oh, you don’t have a local Djibouti market? Well any Horn-of-Africa store will do.

Bite me you pretentious local food dork.

God forbid they have a ripping-good chili or meatloaf or meatball recipe. What Wolfgang Puck has taught is even simple foods, like pizza, can be made amazing and exotic with great ingredients.

"Sports Illustrated" has ranked my beloved alma mater's men's basketball team, UCSB, 54th in the country. So suck on that, Lipscomb and Quinnipiac.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

This girl is classy, smart, refined, sophisticated, funny and more trouble than a drunk Charlie Sheen at a women's sex addiction clinic. This girl can hold a scotch in one hand, crack a whip with the other and say; "Pants off for Mama" without taking the Marlboro from her lips.

We got to get some funky in the junky or the terrorists have won, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Have you been to the airport lately? Guys, they don’t just pat you down anymore, they thoroughly rub your leg and crotch. And that’s just the republican congressmen in the men’s bathrooms.

It is so thorough, the last time I went to the airport, I got sore the tenth time I went through.

It is embarrassing, it is awkward, it is uncomfortable, hell, I’m going back tomorrow.

A Florida truck dealer is offering customers a free AK47 automatic assault rifle. Let’s see, in a horrible economy they give away a weapon to commit a robbery along with a means of escape. What could possibly go wrong?

A study claims one out of ten men use the Internet to look at pornography; a more recent study says nine out of ten men lied to that Internet porn study.

In college football, Wisconsin beat Indiana 83-20, but Wisconsin coach, Bret Bielman denied he ran up the score. That’s like Sitting Bull denying he was profiling white people when he attacked Custer at the Little Big Horn.

Prince William is engaged to his longtime girlfriend, Kate Middleton; I like Kate Middleton, she looks like the kind of girl who can tie a cherry stem in a knot in her mouth without taking the lit Marlboro from her lips.

I like Kate Middleton, she looks like the kind of girl who slips off her high heels in a restaurant to play a rousing game of crotch soccer with her date under the table cloth.

Prince William is engaged to his longtime girlfriend, Kate Middleton; the English queen is reportedly ecstatic; and besides Elton John, Elizabeth is pleased as well.

Now I don’t want to imply this pretty Kate girl is trouble, but if I were Prince William, my first act as King would be to neuter the stable boys.

NY Dem. representative Charles Rangel has been found guilty of breaking 11 House ethics rules. That is absolutely shocking. The House of Representatives has ethics rules?

NY Dem. representative Charles Rangel has been found guilty of 11 ethics violations. To put that in perspective, the night of his drunken porn star hotel trashing rampage, Charlie Sheen only had three ethics violations.

In China, three job candidates passed out in the street in their suits after a drinking binge interview lunch; apparently they were interviewing for the job of Chinese interpreter for Charlie Sheen.

Prince William is engaged to Kate Middleton; Kate is pretty, but I think she is trouble. She looks like a girl who can spell Woo Hoo with cigarette smoke rings.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Who you gonna call, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

In Illinois, a 56-year-old woman got drunk and then attacked police with a hard clear plastic sex toy. In her defense, at least she didn’t go off half-cocked.

A study claims Los Angeles residents are second to last out of 35 cities in intelligence. How could a city that is responsible for such brilliant shows like “Joey” “The Michael Richards Show” and “Baywatch Nights” rank so badly? Oh, right.

After firing their 1-7 coach, Wade Phillips, the Dallas Cowboys upset the 6-2 New York Giants, 33-20. In a related story, the 1-9 L.A. Clippers announced they are also firing Wade Phillips.

Jessica Simpson is engaged to former NFL QB, Eric Johnson. To review, Jessica has also dated NFL QB’s Tony Romo, Matt Leinart and Colt Brennan. In fact, Jessica has nailed more Quarterbacks than the defensive lines of the Oakland Raiders and Buffalo Bills combined.

In New Jersey, a cute little furry dog named Bandit saved a family from succumbing to toxic smoke by barking and waking everyone up. Or as Bandit calls it: saving his own ass.

German scientists have discovered a brain disorder that causes the victim to tell horrible jokes. It’s called: Being German.

Representative Charlie Rangel was denied a delay in his House ethics trial. One of the things Rangel is charged with is being tardy with paying his taxes and he asks for a delay? That’s like asking to get out of a DUI because you want to go to happy hour.

Prince William is engaged to Kate Middleton; don’t let the stylish clothes and the classy accent fool you, this girl is trouble. They haven’t invented a body part from which she has not done a Jello shot.

Since you asked:
Got a great idea for a movie treatment:

“The Slump Buster.”

It’s “Bull Durham” meets “Shallow Hall” 

Picture a Mark Grace all-American boy (I picture either Matt Damon or James Franco, both with the requisite comedic chops) Major League baseball player who is just entering into a horrible slump. Crusty coach R. Lee Ermey (drill sergeant in “Full Metal Jacket) informs him of the slump buster theory: a baseball player in a hitting slump has to have sex with an unattractive woman to end the slump.

So what happens when a ballplayer ends up falling for the slump buster?

With Zach Galifianakis as the whacky clubhouse manager and Seth Rogan as the quirky relief pitcher. Already picturing an improv song and dance scene where all his teammates start singing;

“When you need some strange, and it can’t be good, who you gonna call? Slump Buster.”

Our hero meets a very-needs work, but pretty deep down girl like Sandra Bullock in “Love Potion #9” Thick eyebrows, glasses, frumpy clothes, frizzy hair. In short, a slump buster.

They spend the night, she falls in love, he dumps her, his slump ends.

Then she reads an article about the player’s hitting streak starting with the guy sleeping with a slump buster, she makes the connection she is the slump buster and is pissed.

She then goes “Pretty Woman” and gets all sexied up. She meets him at the bar, he is smitten, they sleep together and she dumps him. Boom, immediately he goes into another slump.

He tries to get her back, she refuses, boom, a romping sports rom-com with Queen Latifa playing the role of her feisty black girlfriend.

Fairly interesting story:
The summer after my Dad passed I was visiting Mom in Winnetka. She told me a juicy story about the wife of the house on the other side of our garage went missing. Everyone suspected the creepy husband and, sure enough, a couple of days later as he is walking past our house walking his dog, my mom introduced us, we chatted briefly, he mentioned he was planning on moving to get away after all that had happened. Once back inside our house, Mom asked:

“So what do you think? Did he do it?”

“No doubt about it.”

The very next night that dog, a well-groomed golden retriever, stands in the middle of our backyard and starts barking. It’s the creepy missing-wife guy’s dog. I go outside and this dog goes full blown Lassie on my butt, trotting out to the sidewalk and stopping to make sure I follow him. This happens ten more times: the dog barks, trots ahead and waits for me to catch up.

The dog and I half circle our block all the way around from our Elm street to the opposite address on Spruce street.

Sure enough the dog makes me follow him into the backyard. Now I am getting nervous. Of course I think the dog is showing me where the wife is buried. But he doesn’t dig or point, he just stands in the backyard and barks.

This is where the story would be really wild if something exciting happened next.

But it didn’t. I get home, the dog stays in his backyard. I think I remember my Mom having me call and report it to the police, but I can’t swear to that.

All you need to know about the unchecked egomania of sports stars and the sycophants idiots who fan their inferno megalomania is what LeBron James did when he left Cleveland for Miami.

Here a guy makes this monumental drama about the decision in the first place, then he turns around screws an entire city and state, his hometown no less, and all the other teams in the NBA, to go to an unfairly padded team with two other superstars. If all that wasn't moronic enough, he and his butt-smooching people at Nike and ESPN and his agents all agree it would be a brilliant idea to film that same sleazy decision.

What buffoons.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

So regal and yet so cute

Step off wit’ you good foot now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A new study claims 1 out of 10 children have ADHD. As I’m sure you all know, ADHD stands for Attention Deficit something, something, whatever.

You can now get flu shots at JFK airport. Because I want the people who let the shoe bomber, the underwear bomber and the printing cartridge bombs on planes in charge of my medicine.

A study claims Los Angeles residents are second to last in intelligence. When asked to comment, one L.A. woman said; “Are you a vampire? I like vampires.”

The $129 million power ball lottery winning ticket that was purchased at a Michigan porn shop was claimed by a man, Mike Greer, who said a group of people bought the ticket at the porn shop, but it wasn’t him. Funny, that’s what I would say too. Especially to my wife.

Greer won’t say anything about the group. In fact, all we do know about the group it that they’re too stupid to shop for their porn online.

A study claims Los Angeles residents are second to last in intelligence. Upon hearing this, one Los Angeles man said he hasn’t been this angry since he knocked his front teeth out with a Shake Weight.

German scientists have discovered a brain disorder that causes victims to tell inappropriate and bad jokes. It’s called Carrot Top-osis.

Oh, screw you, no I don’t have it.

Minnesota Vikings QB Brett Favre is getting up there. Today at practice a player in the huddle said; “Uh, that’s great, Brett, but “That damn mailman comes later every day” isn’t actually one of our plays.

In England, a restaurant has opened that is just for dogs; it’s like a regular English restaurant except the food is better.

Since you asked:

Terms that sound like kinky sex acts but aren’t:

The Australian kangaroo catcher

The Debbie donut drop

Putting the mike on Betty

Bouncing on the exercise ball

The growling howler

Popping the cork of the Pinot.

Jagger’ing the Mick

Crotch soccer

Katie Eats a bagle

Putting the Pop Tart in the toaster

Skank-Hankin' in Poughkeepsie

A knickerless Middleton

Do the people who send ridiculously long and robotic sounding prerecorded phone messages – like schools, doctors offices, politicians – not understand how much everyone hates getting ridiculously long and robotic sounding prerecorded phone messages?

Are these the same borons behind pop-up computer ads and magazine subscription cards and do-it-yourself grocery store check out machines? The same oxygen thieves behind impossible to open packaging?

Bachelor Laundry Routine:

A, pick up shorts, B, sniff, C, mutter the phrase; "Nothing a little Fabreze won't fix," D, repeat.

So Lex, how do you feel about Michael Vick?

As a dog lover, I despise him, but he did his time and deserves to play. He is a living example of how a horrible person can have other-worldly athletic skills. I will never pay to see a game he plays in and I will avoid any product that uses his name.

Now Ben Roethlisburger is another story. He should pay for what he has done. God forbid, if my daughter was one of the several he attacked, I would shop for professionals who take care of human problems like him.

No lie, when I worked on Wall Street I used to cover this vile, evil, cold-hearted scary witch when I was a bond broker. They say you get the face you deserve? She must have a soul along the lines of Hitler or Stalin. She was child-crying ugly. You can't get uglier without an industrial accident. And her personality was worse.

One day she decided I had crossed her - actually my slimebag/comb-over manager lied to her - so she decided to make my life a living hell. She gave us false prices, gave us inflated prices, took out bonds and blatantly sold them for less at our rival firms and did everything she could to try and ruin our bond markets and get me fired. She was as vile as a buzzard's stomach acid. Now that I think about, she closely resembled a buzzard.

Thankfully the owner of our company, a true stand up guy when push came to shove, to mix a couple metaphors, did not give in, and she soon got fired. But while she was on a rampage it was brutal.

This full blown “Jersey Shore” Italian guy we called Chi-Chi Frank - who, gold chains and silk shirts aside, turned out to be a good guy - had married into the mob. No kidding, the FBI was at his wedding taking pictures, guests covered their faces before entering the church and they had a metal detector at the reception.

Chi-Chi Frank and I had become friendly, so he slides up to me at the desk as slick as can be and says so only I can hear him;

“Yo, Al, you want I should do something about this?”

Frank was a computer tech, so I didn’t know if that was the angle he meant.

“You mean turn off her screen?”

Frank laughed and said;

“Yeah, in a way, turn off her screen. Let me find out how much it would be to make this problem go away.”

Gave Frank a thanks, but no thanks. As much as I loathed this vindictive hideous shrew, I couldn't live with having hurt - or threatened to hurt - another human, which she barely but still qualified as. This was not an option and it never came to this as she was fired within a week or two.

But if, once again, god forbid, my daughter had been a victim of pig Ben, it would be a valid option.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Scene of the crime Saturday

You gotta square up, paddle hard, and drop down and turn, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A study claims Los Angeles residents are second to last in intelligence. When asked to comment, one L.A. woman said; “Are you a vampire? I like vampires.”

A 56-year-old woman got drunk at the Joe’s Crab Shack and then attacked police with a hard clear plastic sex toy. The suspect’s name is Charlena Sheen.

A study says residents of Los Angeles are second to last in intelligence. When informed of this, one indignant Los Angeles man said; “How dare they? So we have over-priced real estate, earthquakes, clogged freeways, high taxes, smog, gang wars, high crime, that . . . oh, I get it.”

Two Kentucky men are in jail after a drunken dispute, they cut off the victim’s beard and made that victim eat the beard. Even in Kentucky, that’s no way to treat your mother-in-law.

A Pennsylvania man was arrested for smoking a joint in the waiting room of the hospital where his wife was delivering their baby. Not surprisingly they named the baby: Snoop Dog.

In Ohio, a 300 foot tower that was being demolished fell the wrong way smashing power lines and a storage building. The hardest part for the Ohio folks? Trying to figure out how to blame this on LeBron James.

Two Kentucky men are in jail after a drunken dispute over a tractor, they cut off their friend’s beard and made him eat it. Look, Kentucky, if you want us to stop making stupid drunk hick jokes, you gotta stop doing stuff like this.

The press continues to report about the cruise ship passengers stranded on the stricken Carnival Splendor; they were on a luxury liner, for crying out loud, it’s not like they were stuck in a Chilean mineshaft for 69 days. So they missed a couple midnight buffets. Those poor people, some of them only gained five pounds.

A new study says residents of Los Angeles are second to last in intelligence. When informed of this, one Los Angeles man said; “What’s a resident?”

Since you asked:

You know who gets paid millions to do voiceovers on the top commercials? The richest stars, like George Clooney does Budweiser, Morgan Freeman does Visa and Robert Downey Jr. does Mr. Peanut. That is a waste. There are only three voices that deserve to get paid: the “Let’s get ready to rumble guy” the Spanish soccer announcer “Gooooooooaaaal” guy and the movie promo smoker-gravel-voiced “In a world where a man” guy. The rest is throwing money away.

One more exception: Sam Elliot. Seriously, I would pay good cash to hear him say Hoobastank.

Speaking of bands, I am getting me some songs on iTunes from local surfer band Switchfoot. Damn good sound. What a drummer.

Have that great feeling you should have after a good vacation. Can tell I worked out hard yesterday stand up paddle board surfing, but I am not sore and achy. Can tell I had a few cocktails and wine last night, but not hung over. It’s a pleasant spent.

Had Torrey Pines beach practically all to myself yesterday. It was gorgeous. The water was so clear, after a wave pounded, the sand came up, caught the sun and shimmered like a million flecks of gold. It is a little eerie surfing with nobody around. Most experienced surfers surf with a buddy just in case.

At the end of an awesome hour session I did get the shark spine chill, so I got out.

Dear NFL:

You know, I know, everyone knows there is holding on every play. But do the refs have to call it on almost every play? Only call the holds that directly effect a play.

And enough with the throwback uniforms. (Or in Denver's case, the throw up uniforms) If the throwback uniforms were any good they would still be wearing them, ala the Green Bay Packers.