Friday, October 22, 2010

Really? Really? They’re gonna keep saying really, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

A high school in Texas has a club for girls who don’t wear makeup. What a coincidence, it turns out all the girls in the no makeup club are also in the Indigo Girls fan club.

A German company has made a chair that will inform you if you’re sitting in it incorrectly. For Americans it will even translate the German into English. For example, when you sit in it and it says; “Mann, haben sie einen fetten esel” it will translate to “Man, you have a fat ass.”

In Seattle, a woman in an anger management class got in a fight and stabbed another woman. The stabbed woman is OK, but her attacker will probably not get to keep her gold star for good behavior.

There continues to be growing feeling that last year’s Iranian presidential election was rigged by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. It appears the election should have gone to his opponent, Al Gore-ejad.

The Germans have built a chair that informs you if you’re not sitting it in properly. And if you accidentally pass gas it will instruct you to go see a doctor.

Californians will vote on Proposition 19 to legalize marijuana. Because, in a state with rampant obesity and unemployment, what we need is more people getting stoned on their couch eating Oreos.

The highest Arab court has ruled, under Islamic law, it is OK for husbands to beat their wives as long as they don’t leave visible marks. They then went on to wish everyone a happy 2010, B.C.

Keith Richards has written an autobiography titled “Life.” The chapter devoted to his 20’s through his 50’s is titled; “Sorry, Mate, That Part’s a Bit Fuzzy.”

A Florida company has developed a red celery, or as it is also called: rhubarb.

Keith Richards has written an autobiography titled “Life.” It’s a real page-turner; “Woke up, lit a cigarette, figured out where I was. Drank, took drugs, passed out. Repeat.”

A Florida company has developed a red celery. Now Americans have two choices of celery not to eat.

In Miami, a 45-year-old Kayaker had to be taken by helicopter to a hospital after a jumping fish stabber her in the chest. Folks, for the last time, fish don’t like it when you pee in their ocean.

Since you asked:
Here is a new philosophy I have embraced over a deal I was working on the past week. I am not going to worry about things until there is something to worry about.

Man, lord knows I loves me some rain this time of year, it’s good for fire prevention, but man, oh, man.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Thankfully former Chargers great, Junior Seau is going to be OK after plunging his SUV off a beach cliff. But let this be a lesson, folks, please, do not attempt to sext a message while driving.

This right here is what trouble-about-to-happen looks like

We got no dramas in the Bahamas, no mahn, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

For a limited time, Taco Bell will offer a Chilean Miner Chalupa: It has so much cheese it also won’t come out for 69 days.

So the other night I was watching this reality show about miners in Chile, it was great, but then all of a sudden everybody got voted off at once.

A 23-year-old man without arms won “China’s Got Talent” by playing the piano with his toes. I’m not sure which song he played, but I don’t think it was James Taylor’s “Handy Man.”

Now they are working on making a movie about the Chilean miners. When he heard it was about minors, R. Kelly offered to score the soundtrack.

“30 Rock” did a show live. “Sixty Minutes” reporter Andy Rooney was so impressed he’s thinking of doing a show alive.

North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Il has named his third son, Kim Jong Un, as his successor. He passed over his oldest hard-partying son, Kim Jong Hasselhof.

After making anti-gay statements, it turns out New York republican gubernatorial candidate, Carl Paladino, owns two buildings that house gay nightclubs. This idiot put the guber in gubernatorial.

A German company has made a chair that will inform you if you’re not sitting in it properly. And, if you should accidentally pass gas, it says “Freund, kraun sie.” Which is German for; “Dude, chew your food.”

Delaware Senate candidate Chris Coons has a strong 11% lead over Republican Christine O’Donnell. More bad news for O’Donnell, they’re predicting rain in Delaware next week, as a witch, she will melt.

North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Il, has named his third son as his successor, Kim Jong Un, Kim Jung Il’s eldest son is Kim Jong Nam and the second youngest is Kim Jong Chul. And then there is the hard-partying socialite daughter, Kim Kardashian Jong Il.

Californians will vote on Proposition 19 to legalize marijuana. For supporters of this bill there is an easy way to get it to pass: unlimited Cheetos at the voting booths.

Since you asked:

Pet Peeve Warning: The problem with disclosing pet peeves is they tend to be contagious. When I read about someone’s pet peeve I tend to suddenly adopt them if I hadn’t already.

As I have said, I make it a point to come to a complete stop at stop signs. More than once a month a hyper-caffeinated cank-face behind me will honk at me for the inconvenience of having to come to a full stop in back of me.

Lately when I come to a full stop at a four-way stop sign and some shank-helmet comes flying up to the intersection on my right or left with the intention of rolling past the stop, they see me at the last second and are forced to hit their breaks and stop and wait for me to go. Unless they just continue and blow through the stop sign and cut me off. When they do come to a hurried stop, more times than not they give the requisite A-hole eight fingers flopping/gathering toward them “Come on, come on, come on” gesture.

Upon receiving the gesture I return it to them, trying hard to remember to also retract my two middle fingers.

Can I say I like the Barenaked Ladies? I mean the band, not bare naked ladies. Not that I don’t like bare naked ladies, I do. A lot. Especially hot bare naked ladies. Not that I see many, oh, damn, this isn’t going at all like I had hoped it would.

Saw some documentary and these BnL guys are incredibly talented and gutsy performers. They can sing, play and harmonize, but they have the incredible stones to do freestyle rap/scat off the top of their heads live. And they are smart enough to pull it off. Amazing.

Don't get me wrong, I ain't gonna bust out and buy concert tickets or put their poster on my bedroom wall, but I got a couple of their songs on my iPod. Oh yeah, we rollin' Canuck gangsta up in this forshizzy.

Here is my homage to the BnL's "If I had a $1,000,000."


"If I had a million dog-hairs . . . oh, that's right, I do."

Thank you.

(Polite applause)