Saturday, January 23, 2010

A class act who I will continue to watch when he comes back, as I will continue, thanks to the miracle of DVR, to watch Jay Leno, another class act.

We getting’ our getting’ on on, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It’s was so wet in Los Angeles, the Dodger’s Manny Rameriz tested positive for mermaid hormones.

The rumor from Afghanistan is they are close to capturing Osama bin Laden; they plan to subdue him and torture him mercilessly. That’s right, NBC will give Osama their 10:00 PM spot.

The FBI reports a 20% decrease in bank robberies in 2009. Experts equate this drop is due to the fact there is 40% less money to rob. You know the economy is bad when bank robbers are out of work.

It’s so wet in Los Angeles customers are getting soaked by companies besides banks.

It’s so wet in Los Angeles, the Clippers blamed their last loss on sea sickness.

It hailed in Los Angeles. It was sad, all the mistresses in Beverly Hills ran outside because they thought their rich married boyfriend was showering them with diamonds.

In Nevada there is the first ever licensed male prostitute. Women, for $50 he talks dirty to you, for $100 he has sex with you, and for $500 he’ll take you shopping and tell you your butt looks skinny in those jeans.

In Nevada there is the first ever licensed male prostitute. Women, for $50 he talks dirty to you, for $100 he’ll spank you, and if you really want to get kinky, for $500 he’ll put the toilet seat back down after going to the bathroom.

In Nevada there is the first ever licensed male prostitute. Women, for $50 he talks dirty to you, for $100 he’ll spank you, and if you really want to get kinky, for $500 he’ll let you handle the TV remote.

Sources say Tiger Woods is in a sex addiction rehab center in Mississippi. Treating sex addiction in Mississippi is a little different. Step one? Learning to just say no to barnyard animals

In Nevada there is the first ever licensed male prostitute. In fact, he going to be on Oprah. No, really, for $10 grand he is going to be on top of Oprah.

A rumor in San Diego blames the Charger’s poor playoff performance against the New York Jets on players staying out all Friday night at a strip club. The strip club hurt their football skills, but their golf swing improved dramatically.

Since you asked:

Where the hell was all of this amazing support and sympathy for Conan O’Brien when he had a show he needed people to watch? I watched the show religiously – as I did “The Jay Leno Show” - thanks to the miracle of DVR and, unlike the show’s ratings, the show was very good.

From the start – and four months before “The Jay Leno Show” O’Brien’s ratings were less than half of what Leno used to get, and I did not understand why. The monologues were sharp and the skits were clever and funny. Conan is an amazingly quick-witted interviewer and the guests were great.

So why didn’t all of these avid Conan supporters watch the frickin' show? Why? Because the hip and happening crowd that now cries for Conan so much is too hip and happening to watch TV. That is sort of a problem when you host a TV show that depends on ratings.

Conan will kick ass on Fox just like - and this is really going to make me a rebel - Jay Leno is going to kick ass re-hosting "The Tonight Show" again.

The person I have been the most disappointed in during this late show debacle was David Letterman. As a huge fan, I have come to expect a lot of Letterman and I thought his attacks on Jay were mean-spirited and bitter sounding. In football, he would have been flagged for piling on. Kimmel and Letterman's attack on Jay seemed self-serving and smacked of sore losers as they lost to Leno at 11:35 before and they clearly don't want to lose to him again.

In fact, the only person who escaped this horrific poop-throwing storm without getting any on him was Jimmy Fallon. He, like Conan and Jay, is a class act.

In fact, the only real bad guys in this thing are the dorkenfloggers at NBC. The bad guy is certainly not Leno.

Conan's farewell speech was classy and brilliant. To paraphrase, if you work hard and are kind you can accomplish amazing things.

Here here, Consky O'Bonesky. Well done, well done indeed.
Nevada has the first legalized male prostitute in the United States; not to be confused with Conan O'Brien, NBC had to pay $45 million to screw that guy.

In a very classy and moving closing "Tonight Show" statement, Conan O'Brien decried cynicism as his least favorite trait. But I am not sure I believe him . . .

Friday, January 22, 2010

Ahh, sweet, sweet nectar of the Barbados gods.

Here comes the sun, do, do, do, do, here comes the sun and I say it’s alright, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

After the Minnesota Vikings playoff win against the Dallas Cowboys, Brett Favre led his team in singing the old “American Idol” guy’s “Pants on the ground” song. In fact, Favre came up with his own older guy version of “Pants on the Ground.” It’s called: “Pants Up To The Chest.”

There is a new line of Scotts grass seeds that allows buyers to grow the kind of grass that is in their favorite Major League field. Warning to Chicago Cubs fans, the Wrigley Field grass dies right before October.

The good news is the Minnesota Vikings trounced the Dallas Cowboys in the playoffs, the bad news? Brett Favre wandered away from practice again. The good news? They found him at the bus station.

Tiger Woods claims he is a sex addict and people believe him. But when the manager at the Radio Shack in Tustin claimed he was a sex addict, everyone laughed in his face.

It’s so cold, Jay Leno went to Conan O’Brien’s studio just to feel his white-hot hatred.

Apparently Conan O’Brien’s folks are furious with Leno as well. Today, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog keyed Leno’s car. And you don’t want to know what the masturbating bear did to the car’s upholstery. (Assist from Janice Hough)

Since you asked:

Good week. And I like the rain. We lost our outdoor umbrella, but that’s about it. Dogs are all clean and soft. No fire threat, helps the water shortage. I’m down with the rain.

Dear "American Idol" contestant:

What I am about to suggest may sound rash or foolish, but hear me out.

Walk up to Simon Cowel and wind up and open-hand bitch-slap that smug British twit off his chair.

Yes, security will tackle you and you may spend a tad of jail time. But it will make you a lot of money in the long run. The video will go viral. T-shirt revenues from "I Bitch-Slapped Simon" will go through the roof, hell, you'll probably get an NBC 10:00 PM spot out of the deal.

And lord knows Simon is in desperate need of an all out bitch-slap.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

San Diego pre-Noah flood

It is downright monsooning on our tuchus, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It’s so cold, Tiger Woods slept with Paris Hilton just to feel the burning sensation when he peed.

Toyota has announced they’re coming out with a smaller, less powerful Prius. Or as we used to call that: a Go Cart.

Things are so messed up at NBC it is starting to upset Carson Daly’s viewers; all ten of them.

Sources say NBC is going to pay Conan O’Brien $45 million not staying with NBC; which prompted tens of millions of television viewers to cry; “Hey, where’s my money for not staying with NBC?”

Man, we had a lot of rain. Women in Beverly Hills were rushing to their cosmetic surgeons to have their water-soaked pruney wrinkles injected with Botox.

Since you asked:
To be candid, I do not get all the hostility aimed at Jay Leno. Yes, due to the fact the man has been sending me checks – albeit small ones - for years and he and his awesome assistant, L.N.M., have been incredibly gracious and nice to me, I may be biased.

But why can’t people remember Conan O’Brien – of whom I am also a huge fan – was the one that initially forced Jay out? O’Brien gave NBC an ultimatum of getting “The Tonight Show” or leaving and NBC lamely stalled for four years.

Don’t forget O’Brien’s “Tonight Show” did not get good ratings before “The Jay Leno Show.” Personally, I think Conan was too smart not to eventually turn the ratings around if given more time.

So, as of September, there will be three 11:30 talk shows. Will that work? I think so. But I am the idiot that thought Jay at 10:00 would work. (I still think it would have worked if given more time) Apparently DVR’s and Tivo have not factored as much as I thought they would, but three talk shows can thrive. Competition makes for better programming.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Beautiful haven of outlaw country rock stars, Santa Maria

Pants on the ground, lookin’ like a fool with your pants on the ground, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How cold is it?
It’s so cold I had to build a fire in my carbon footprint just to stay warm.

It’s so cold I had to wear an extra coat to the “I hate Al Gore” rally.

It’s so cold, Lady Gaga had to wear four extra beach balls just to stay warm.

It’s so cold my sex robot girlfriend wouldn’t start.

You can’t beat that
Scientists have made a girlfriend sex robot; and get this: it’s Warren Beatty tested and approved.

It is so cold and damp in Los Angeles I am shaking like an NBC executive getting his annual performance review.

You had to see this one coming
Last week in Turkey, villagers were shocked when a sheep was born with a human face; when asked about it, the embarrassed Shepard replied; “Oh, that’s my ba-a-a-a-a-a-a d.”

It was so rainy, in Hollywood the water washed two people into a theater showing “Did You Hear About the Morgans?”

It is raining so hard, in West Hollywood a theater is offering to show “Avatar” in 3-D and with a water slide.

It is so wet in L.A. , Heidi Montag had cosmetic surgery to have her feet webbed.

It is so wet in Los Angeles Warren Beatty had sex with a mermaid.

Not a good sign
Tiger Woods has checked into sex rehab, but he doesn’t get it; Tiger got caught trying to text-message a buddy: “You wouldn’t believe all the hot and freaky chicks in here.”

North Korea has announced they are lifting restrictions to allow more American tourists. It’s part of their new tourist slogan: North Korea: Come for the oppression; stay for the cruelty.

Since you asked:

As my love of musical documentaries is almost limitless, I cannot wait for the movie “Crazy Heart” to come out on DVD.

Living in Santa Barbara during the 1980 Outlaw Cowboy singer craze of Willy Nelson and Waylon Jennings really fit the place and the times. From working as a security guard at the County Bowl I got to see these folks up close and it was a pretty cool and wild scene. As a security guard it was a living nightmare to see about 20 Hells Angel's motocycles come roaring up to a Waylon Jennings concert, but they turned out to be pretty cool. In fact, they kept some drunk and rowdy cowboys in check.

And then I would see the less marketed acts sing at bars like Cold Springs Tavern and various bars in Goleta and downtown Santa Barbara. One time I saw Emmy Lou Harris at the campus 49'r bar at Long Beach State and Jackson Browne and James Taylor walked up on stage and joined her.

The shows and the bands had a real cool rebel/Western Cowboy feel that fit Santa Barbara like a perfect pair of $1,000 dusty cowboy boots. There was almost a conscious down-to-earth feel. The roadies and the stagehands partied with the stars. Not like with diva snotty rock star acts like the a-hole Pretenders.

More times than not one of the roadies was in charge of a giant barbeque and they grilled tri tip steak Santa Maria style. And they drank lots of tequila and beer. And I suspect there were some other “refreshments” back stage and in their band buses.

My dream job would be to go on one tour with an outlaw band for one month as a session harmonica player and then write a comedy journal about the experience.

You hear that, outlaw country/rock band? I can be bought cheap and I can barbeque like a mofizzy.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

What happened in ‘Vegas stayed in ‘Vegas, ‘cause nothing happened, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

So life-like
Scientists have made a sex robot girlfriend; it is so realistically woman-like it will not have sex with a Star Trek “Trekkie” fan.

Not all bad
I flew last weekend, and the downside is those airport body scans are invasive. The upside? A hot TSA guard named La’ Queshia asked for my phone number.

Or Not Being Complimented
Public outcry at the botching of NBC’s late night programming has been overwhelming. Apparently now NBC now stands for Nimrods Bashed Constantly.

The fallout from NBC’s botching of the late night talk shows has been bad; today at Take Your Daddy To School Day, one NBC executive told the kids he worked for al Qaeda.

Or something like that
On “Sixty Minutes,” John McCain aide Steve Schmidt was shocked at Sarah Palin’s lack of historical knowledge, for example, Sarah thought Watergate was a type of fancy dinnerware.

An Australian study reveals men who masturbate three times a week or more are less likely to develop prostate cancer. They are, however, more likely to be arrested at a Chicago Starbucks.

In Chicago a man was arrested for masturbating in Starbucks. They became suspicious because he had an extra, extra, extra foam latte.

Not good to say
According to a new study by the American Psychological Society, if given the choice between water and alcohol, hamsters will drink alcohol. Sure, hamsters have been synonymous with booze forever, but guys, when you drink too much, don’t say the next day; “I’m hung like a hamster.”

Mark McGwire admitted he took steroids, but said they didn’t help him hit home runs, he took them for his health. Yeah, apparently Mark believed back acne, a giant skull, freakishly shrunken testicles and severe liver damage made him healthier.

What's in a name?
The NBC executives want to move “The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien” to 12:05 AM. Which would officially make it the “The Tonight/ Early Tomorrow Morning Show in Los Angeles of Burbank, with Conan O’Brien Or Somebody Else.”

Scientists have made a sex robot girlfriend; it is so realistically woman-like it will not have sex with you until you take it to a nice dinner and her robot girlfriends approve of you.

Since you asked:

Just got back from a long weekend in Las Vegas, baby. Oh yeah. World record set. Did not place – nor lose – one bet, did not visit one strip club, did not get smashed except for one happy hour.

We, the family, my lovely wife Virginia and my adorable and sweet daughter, Ann Caroline, as well as all of our extended Carmel Valley Manchester family were there for a huge soccer tournament. My 11-year-old daughter and her teammates were in a tournament that had some of the best teams from Nevada, Arizona, Northern and Southern California and even Hawaii.

We drove up with our good friends the Meyers, stayed at the not-fancy-but-all-you-need Embassy Suites and had a fun time. The first morning I ran to the strip and along it and back. What a freak show. It is so surreal I was afraid if I took a wrong turn I would end up in a space ship getting probed by an alien named Glorbunacqk.

We went out to a nice Italian dinner and went to the tournament which was held on beautiful fields and was as well organized as Swiss watchmaker’s convention. Even the referees were pretty good.

Guess who won the Girls Under 11 Championship? You got it, our team: C.V. Man U, buuuuhhh beeeee.

The only problem was my belt came loose and, at one point, I nearly had my:

"Pants on the ground, pants on the ground, lookin' like a fool wit' yo' pants on the ground."