Thursday, January 14, 2010

Taste the golden, creamy goodness

Hey, hey, my, my, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Mark McGwire has admitted he used steroids when he set the home run record of 70 in 1998. At this point that’s like Bernie Madoff admitting he cheated on his taxes.

Sarah Palin has signed on as a commentator on “Fox News.” That’s because there isn’t currently a Cougar News.

Simon Cowell is going to leave “American Idol” after this season; Simon wants to spend more time insulting his family.

Sarah Palin has signed on as a commentator on “Fox News; which was disappointing to NBC, they were going to give her their 10:00 PM spot.

Mark McGwire has admitted he used steroids when he set the home run record of 70 in 1998. In an equally shocking story, Sammy Sosa admits he used to be black.

Sarah Palin signed with “Fox News”, but I don’t think she gets it; Sarah said; “In addition to “Fox News” I could also do moose, rabbit and caribou news ‘cause I’ve hunted them too dontchya yah know.”

St. Louis Cardinal slugger Mark McGwire has admitted he used steroids when he set the home run record of 70 in 1998. He got the idea of coming clean on steroids when he watched the Times Square ball drop on New Year’s Eve.

The Hudson River in New York is frozen. Now you can practically walk all the way across the Hudson without having to step on the floating bodies.

The Hudson River in New York is frozen. This is the coldest any Hudson has been since Kate heard Alex Rodriguez was with another stripper.

The Hudson River in New York is frozen. It’s so bad the Mafia is dumping bodies in New Jersey Jacuzzis.

Subway passengers around the world observed “No Pants Subway Ride” on Sunday; or as New York subway riders call it: Sunday.

John McCain aide Steve Schmidt was shocked at Sarah Palin’s lack of knowledge, for example, she didn’t understand why there was a South and North Korea. Which, for “Fox News” makes her overqualified.

Since you asked:

Not sure if you’ve ever sold anything on Craigslist, but you should just for the entertainment value. Like a first-time heroin buyer, my initial experience with Craigslist was free, simple and amazing.

From the time I took the picture of my old style snowboard – a hard boot carving board that I have since abandoned for a soft boot all-mountain board – and uploaded it on Craigslist to the time a nice freedom-fighting soldier from Camp Pendleton was slapping four twenties in my palm, was two hours.

From that second on, if I wasn’t using it, I was taking pictures of it and posting it on Craigslist. My old windsurfer board and sail, a weight bench I didn’t really use, an office chair, – I sit like a nimrod on one of those big bouncy exercise balls for my back and my core muscles – an actual Persian rug, two brass lamps and even a frickin’ step ladder.

Then I sat back and waited for the money to rain down like the proverbial manna-from-heaven.

My word, the cavalcade of morons, hose-nozzles, mouth-breathers, nimrods, douche-bags, a-holes and dicktards that followed was something to behold.

My ad clearly stated I was selling a top quality windsurfing board with fin and sail only, nothing else, for an obscenely small amount, $50. The fin alone is worth more than that. No masts, no booms, no lines, no universal mast joints, no harnesses. Just a board and sail.

This guy straight out of “Dude, Where’s My Car?” shows up, sees my board and sail on the lawn and his jaw drops and he asks incredulously;

“Uh, wha, um, how am I supposed to sail it like this?”

And then he turns around, gets in his car and drives off. For $50 for a board and sail worth $500, he fully expected to be shredding over the ocean waves on gear that would, at minimum, cost $2,000.

People would beg me over the phone not to sell an item they saw online until they got there. And then when they got here and looked at it, it was like someone had recently let their dog relieve themselves on top of it. And all of these items were pictured in the ad, mind you.

After a while I felt like saying to these over-entitled dildos:

“Oh, that item I am offering for $100 that is worth over $500? I am so, so sorry it isn’t worth the $2000 you expected it to be. Will you ever frickin’ forgive me, you incredibly out-of-touch ass?”

The bright side is that I have apparently been blessed with friends and family who are incredibly honest and reliable by comparison. Once you stick your toe into the wading pool that is the public, your faith in the overall quality of human nature gets sucked out like the cream filling of a deep fried Twinkie at the county fair by a fat, hairy, sweaty guy named Earl. And such.

Even when the “prospects” – and, boy, am I being kind using that word – are wildly excited about the item for sale prior to having seen it, and they are deadly earnest in their desire to purchase it, on average they show up about two-and-a-half hours later than they say they will. That’s if they show up at all.

One of the cheaper items I have for sale is a tool I am selling for $20 which is about exactly what it is worth. A woman e-mailed me and actually asked if I could drive it over to her, she lives 20 minutes away, just so she can look at it to consider buying it.

And when they are on their way – invariably as you are heading out the door – they call on their cell phone (these are the dill-nobs who still talk on their hand-held cell phones when they drive) and breathlessly beg you to stay until they get there.

Once they arrive, they impatiently and rudely act like you owe them money.

The good news? This has given me a great idea for a treatment for a movie: “Craigslisted” It’s about a guy who tries to sell his girlfriend on Craigslist.

Once it’s done, remind me not to post the manuscript on Craigslist.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Who would have guessed the monkey on Conan's back would end up being NBC?

And now, heerree’s Johnny, no, Jay, no, Dave, no, Jay, no, Conan, no, Jay, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Or as they call it
Subway passengers around the world observed “No Pants Subway Ride” on Sunday; or as New York subway riders call it: Sunday.

Trying again
A brothel in Nevada will offer men for women. It’s called the Shady Lady. Which is better than their first name: Bed, Bath and Beyond Five Inches.

Which one?
The cover of “Entertainment Weekly” features “American Idol” judges Simon Cowell and Ellen DeGeneres. One of them really looks like a lesbian, the other one is Ellen DeGeneres.

What’s in a name?
The first quarter of the New England Patriots-Baltimore Ravens game was exciting, lots of scoring. Too bad the Patriots didn’t see it. Now I know why they are called the Pats. There is no riot in that team.

Who knew?
I saw the most amazing thing during a commercial in the NFL playoff games. Did you know that 15 minutes with Geico could save you 15% on your car insurance? Why don’t they tell people about this?

Like that
The Arizona Cardinals out-dueled the Green Bay Packers, 51-45 in the NFC Wild Card game; the Packers Cardinal game ending with a defensive score is like a U2 concert ending with an accordion solo.

That’s nice
Things haven’t been all gloomy around they Jay Leno Show, he received some nice cards from Tiger Woods, Harry Reid and Rod Blagojevich thanking him for keeping them out of the news.

Or like that
The Arizona Cardinals out-dueled the Green Bay Packers, 51-45 in the NFC Wild Card game; this Packers-Cardinal game ending with a defensive score is like a Paris Hilton sex video ending with a poetry recital.

D-less defense
Amn it all, those gosh arn Carinals outlaste the Packers, 51-45 in the Wil Car game on Sunay: (No D at all)

Too much by a lot
Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid, described President Obama as light-skinned with no negro dialect unless he wants to have one. I think Reid overdid his apology: “Yo, yo, check it, for realsies, Imma gonna say I’s for sorrizzy for realizzy.”

Not even
And impeached Ill. Gov. Rod Blagojevich says he is blacker than Barack Obama; is he insane? Blagojevich isn’t even blacker than Sammy Sosa

Since you asked:

Apparently Conan may have gotten out flanked by the NBC lawyers. It looks like they gave him "The Tonight Show" without including the 11:35
time slot. Otherwise they would be in breach of contract moving it to 12:05 and owe Conan around $45 million.

Conan's letter was classy but pissed off, thus making it refreshingly honest. And wow does Coco have public sympathy. Not sure why many of that public is dumping on Jay Leno as well. Leno is also getting royally tooled by NBC.

Conan's letter specifies he is not accepting thrashing the reputation of the "The Tonight Show" by moving it to 12:05, which, among other problems, is not technically tonight. Whether or not NBC's decision to compromise the history and quality of "The Tonight Show" by moving it to the next day represents a breach of contract would have to be settled between Conan and NBC and eventually the courts. I can't imagine NBC being so short-sighted that they would intentionally damage the brand name of their biggest icon, "The Tonight Show."

But then I never thought they would be so short-sighted as to can "The Jay Leno Show" while it was a still carving out its proper place.

As Letterman said with tongue firmly in cheek:

"Remember, those NBC executives wouldn't be there if they didn't know what they were doing."

Monday, January 11, 2010

Anyone in San Diego wants a good deal on a weight bench, I cleaned out the garage and it is priced to go at $100 E-mail me at: Dolphins not included.

Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? Really, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Dong Ding Ding
Rumor has it NBC is bump Conan O’Brien back to 12:00. Apparently NBC stands for Now Bitch-slapping Conan.

How cold is it?
It is so cold in Michigan the Detroit Lions are shaking like they’re trying to complete one pushup.

It is so cold in Washington, the Wizards switched from guns to firebombs just for the heat.

The King
Happy Birthday to Elvis Pressley who would have been 75 last week. If Elvis were alive I think he would say; “Thank god I didn’t die on the toilet.”

Or something like that
A brothel in Nevada will offer men for women. It’s called the Shady Lady. Which is better than their first name: Bed, Bath and Beyond Two Minutes.

Q & A
After the failed underwear bomber, the airport security is really cracking down; from now on all airport security personnel will be required to ask passengers; “Is that a bomb in your underpants or are you just glad to be flying today?”

Who knew?
It turns out the guns that were drawn in the Washington Wizards locker room were loaded; and here I didn’t know the Wiz in Wizards stood for the bullets whizzing by their heads

Get this straight
Last night Jay Leno said NBC stands for Never Believe your Contract. That’s not fair, for the programming executives it actually stands for Nobody Barely Competent.

It is so cold in New Jersey, Artie Lange tried to stab himself with an ice pick. (Hey, he would make jokes if somebody else did it)

Cuz bowl
Alabama beat Texas 37-21. So apparently children born from parents who are first cousins can beat children born from parents who are distant cousins.

In Canada, a golden retriever saved a young boy from a cougar. The dog and the boy are going to be fine, the boy did suffer scratches from the 42-year-old Cougar’s press-on nails and some of her spray tan and perfume rubbed off on his face.

Those guys
The PGA tour opened in Hawaii. Even without Tiger Woods golf is exciting. In the first round the leader was that guy who isn’t Phil Mickelson who was ahead of that other guy who isn’t Vijay Singh.

The PGA tour opened in Hawaii. And on his couch in Florida, Tiger Woods opened another Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and another can of mini-cocktail wieners.

They do
Folks, double standards exist. When a pretty woman says she isn't wearing underwear it is hot, when a guy says he isn't wearing underwear I think Shout Stain Remover.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Here Wrigley and Kasey enjoy their doggie HD TV.

Snaps it back and hold it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How cold was it?
It is so cold in Florida, teachers are crawling into bed with their students just for warmth.

It is so cold people are burning Al Gore in effigy just for the warmth.

It is so cold cab drivers in New York City were wearing turbans made out of a Snuggie.

Can’t do the math
A biography claims Warren Beatty has slept with almost 13,000 women. How is that possible? Where did he find 13,000 buddies to brag to?

Guys, guys, guys
An Australian study claims women who live with men gain weight; guys are going to run with this: “Gosh, honey, I would love to live together, but you don’t want to get fat, do you?”

Which is nice
Security at the airport is unbelievable, they pat you down, frisk you, strip-search you, and for an extra $50, they give you a happy ending.

Security at the airport is unbelievable, they patted me down, frisked me, strip-searched me, it was so great I was embarrassed to tell them I wasn’t really there to fly.

Keep it zipped, M-Babe
On a plane in Miami bound for Detroit, a man named Mohammad Asad was arrested when he yelled; “I want to kill all the Jews.” Listen, if you’re on a plane and your name is Mohammad, you better not yell anything but; “Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.”

He was charged with disturbing the peace, threatening an officer and impersonating Mel Gibson.

This time I can do it
Experts say you have to make your New Year’s resolutions realistic and achievable. Take my resolution. I resolve to never smoke crack with a hooker in church. Wish me luck.

It is so cold in Chicago, a Global Warming Conference was replaced with a Hang Al Gore in Effigy Rally.

Not so sexy
An 86-year-old politician in India resigned after a sex tape emerged showing him with three women; it’s not as sexy as it sounds, the second woman was there to keep waking him up and the third was there to remind him what he was doing.

In California, a security scare closed down the Bakersfield airport. Apparently several passengers panicked when they suddenly discovered they were flying out of the Bakersfield airport.

Or as the Bakersfield airport used to be called: the Bakersfield Real Long “Ol Patch of Asphalt.

Since you asked:

What do I think of NBC moving Leno back to 11:30 and booting Conan to 12:00 or later or out? It’s the only move NBC could pull that would guarantee they really piss off everyone concerned. It just strikes me as so short-sighted. Give the shows another couple months.

Man, "Dave, Shelly and Chainsaw" on the air in San Diego for 20 years, I start writing for Chainsaw, boom, they're gone. "The Jay Leno" gets the historic 10:00 PM spot, I sell them jokes, boom, back to 11:30. Los Angeles Times has the Morning Briefing section in their sports section for decades, they print some of my jokes in December, boom, feature is gone.

If our government was smart they would have me write jokes for al Qaeda.

Today I heard a guy speaking loudly in Arabic on his cell phone, but he was interjecting a lot of English words. It sounded like:

“Bulla whallah shnasa gullah hallah hockey puck hallum gallash mush mush fallah hot biscuits mishas sallah wholum massah lawn gnomes.”

Being the hypochondriac that I am, I naturally assumed I had a stroke that had suddenly rendered me halfway bi-lingual.

As you may or may not know, Slateses and Nugsters, I loves me some rock documentaries. Or Rockumentaries as I like to call them. “Gimme Shelter” “Running Down a Dream” “Song Remains the Same” I can’t get enough of them. Lord help me, I almost love them as much as war and war/submarine movies. If they ever make a Rockumentary on a submarine my head might explode with joy.

So tonicht, I am excited about going for a run and then slugging down some San Diego Sunsets (Mount Gay Rum, coconut water, over ice with a lime squeeze) grilling some sausages and watching “It Might Get Loud.”

Hopefully some surfing tomorrow and then lots and lots of Stinker soccer.

Dear New England Sports Fans:

For the love of decency, stop your unseemly whining. You had an amazing run. The NFL is designed to destroy the top teams with weak draft picks, loss to free agency and tougher schedules. How your Patriots held on as long as they did was amazing.

You want to whine about something, whine about what a goldbricker and slacker that human A-hole Randy Moss is. How is he not, a, fined for pulling up and quitting and, b, fired? Vince Lombardi would have ran on the field and started kicking his ass off the field on live TV.