Gnarly rip , dude

I will call you Betty, and Betty, when you call me, you can call Al, Torn Slattern and Nugget Ranchers


Guess who MTV is putting inside the ball that drops in Times Square on New Year’s Eve? Snooki from “Jersey Shore.” It’s all part of MTV’s goal to tell us 2011 is going to suck.

Frankly I thought it meant something else when they said Snooki is getting balled on New Year’s Eve.

For the second time in a year, Florida football coach, Urban Meyer announced his retirement. He is retiring for health reasons. Apparently he has contracted a severe case of Brett Favre-atosis.

Rumor has it, just in time for the Super Bowl, they are going to combine that Fox dancing football robot, the Burger King King, Flo the Progressive Insurance lady and the Aflac duck to create the most annoying and creepiest character in all history.

Some great football games coming up. My question is: what’s the idea behind the Fox robot football player playing the guitar? It would make more sense to have a robot guitar player throwing a football.

In San Francisco, Macys fired their Santa for telling a mild adult joke to an adult. That’s prejudice against comedians, why that’s, that’s comedianism.

In France, Paris was hit with a rare snowstorm. People didn’t go to work so they just stayed in bed and had sex and drank wine. In other words, nothing changed.

In fact there is more white powder in Paris, France than there is Paris Hilton’s purse.

According to WikiLeaks, the airing of American television shows in the Mid East is helping to stop Islamic extremism. As long as they never see “Jersey Shore” if they do, we’re in trouble.


Since you asked:
During the New York Jets miserable 10-6 loss to the Miami Dolphins, a Dolphin player was tripped on the sideline by a Jets coach. The CBS announcer, Dan Fouts, said the coach, Sal Alosi, should be ashamed, ESPN’s Patrick Hruby called it egregiously poor sportsmanship, and the Carolina Panthers called it head-up special teams play.

Seriously, Fouts spotting of that play and his reaction was the best sports commentary since Al Michael’s “Do you believe in miracles.” Fouts spotted the hard-to-see transgression, described it, and then responded honestly and firmly. No question that idiot has to be fired, for the Jets, the NFL and the concept of sportsmanship in general.

Whether they like it or not, professional sports owes a huge debt for their success to their high profile. Highly paid software designers, or surgeons or real estate tycoons - with the notable exception of The Donald - are happy to labor in anonymity. Pro football teams cannot. They owe their success to the fans. That makes them even more dependent on their image than other successful corporations. No corporation can afford to look like they employ somebody who sticks a knee out to trip, and thus hurt, an opponent.

For whatever reason, the otherwise sharp minds in the NFL cannot seem to grasp is that no matter how talented a player or coach is, if he is a bad human being, it will eventually result in an economic as well as public relations fiasco. How many Ryan Leaf, OJ Simpson and Randy Moss's do they need to go through before they will learn this?

The percentage of ex-NFL players who get charged with serious crimes is totally and embarrassingly out of whack with the rest of society. Mark my words, having narrowly avoided prison for breaking and entering to steal drugs, Ryan Leaf will eventually end up in prison. So will Michael Irvin.

How do you determine if they are a bad human? Simple. Find out how they treat animals, children and regular folks when out in private. (Cough, Michael Vick, Ben Roethlisberger) Sucking up to autograph seekers when the cameras are rolling doesn't mean a damn thing.

Do they hold the door for people? Do they put that little divider plastic stick thing on grocery store conveyor belt for the person in back of them? Do they go outside to talk on their cell phone? And, most importantly, do they take their allotted turn at a four-way stop sign? (I'm being mostly serious here)

How much time and trouble can it be for a team to observe how a potential super star millionaire treats the guy who picks up the towels in the locker room? Take him to a restaurant and secretly instruct the waiter to continually screw up.

When I went to the media day at the Super Bowl, there were players who I didn't know who the hell they were who were incredibly nice and those who were incredibly rude and dismissive.

Until a camera was turned on. Then most turned nice. Only the world class idiots, like Ryan Leaf and Randy Moss, are too much of an a-hole to be nice even when filmed.

Let's be blunt, this is the real world. If an NFL team - or company for that matter - only hired sweet, gentle, funny and lovingly kind people, they would be out of business in one year. The NFL -and the business world - demands they hire people who have a big ego, an ego so big it allows them to fervently believe they can compete with the best in the world.

But as Gale Sayers, the late Don Meredith and Walter Payton and countless other NFL superstars have proven, you can still be big, big, big-time without big-timing other people.


It’s time to introduce a fun new game that is sweeping the country called:

“Lex cleverly insults his own shoes.”


My red and black Nike running shoes:

“Nice shoes, Lex, remind me to borrow them next time I’m invited to a homeless bowling tournament.”

My black Crocs:

“Those are the perfect footwear for either a comic book convention or an Indigo Girls concert.”

My light-brown Timberline hiking boots:

“You know, there is no reward for finding Sasquatch.”

My black loafers with a tassel:

“Those look like shoes John F. Kennedy would wear. If he was gay.”

My plain shiny brown loafers:

“Somewhere a dark blue suit is weeping with fear.”

My brown suede tie-up casual shoes.

“Can I borrow those for Halloween? I’m going as a stoned math professor.”

My beloved brown and cooly worn pointed toe rock star cowboy boots:

“Yippie Ki Yay, homeless trucker.”

My golden brown Ugg boots:

“How far did you have to chase the giant teenage girl to steal those?”

My black Oxford shiny tie up shoes:

“Oh, my god, you took these off the dead guy in “The Big Chill.”

My black and red Reef sandals.

“Aren’t you a little old to dress like Jeff Spicoli?”

My tan Top Siders:

"Biff, can Muffy use your time machine so she can go back to 1980 like those shoes?"

My Brown Rockports

"And to think I didn't know they made corrective shoes for lesbians."