Home to Gary the Gaucho . . . for one sad day

Bodah-beep, bodah-boop, bodah bip, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A 20-year-old Australian man married his 5-year-old yellow Labrador name Honey. If you want to give them a gift, the couple is registered at Bed Bath and Beyond Creepy.

Listerine is now offering a less intense mouthwash called Zero. Are there really people out there who find Listerine too intense? Do they also find flossing too complicated?

A 20-year-old Australian man married his 5-year-old yellow Labrador named Honey. Between you and me, I don’t think its going to last, he thought she was a bitch before they got married . . .

A Texas man claims his cell phone blew up in his ear. But that’s what can happen if you call the Naomi Campbell hotline.

Kate Gosselin and her eight kids were on “Sarah Palin’s Alaska.” I believe the name of the episode was: “Why the rest of the world hates us.”

I believe the name of the episode was: “Satan Laughing with Delight.”

Madonna has opened a gym in Mexico City. It’s a place where guys can go, get inside and get real sweaty and tired. And besides Madonna there is also a gym.

A top secret unmanned spacecraft took off from Vandenberg Air Force base, flew into space and returned, but nobody knows what its mission was. It costs a fortune and nobody can say what it does. So they’re calling it the Paris Hilton.

In sad news, Don Meredith passed away at 72. Meredith was a great Dallas Cowboys QB who was an announcer on “Monday Night Football.” To give you an idea how likeable Meredith was, he would have been beloved even without being compared to Howard Cosell.

The First and Last Day of Gary the Gaucho

(Sorry for the retelling, Snakes)

In 1979 UCSB started throwing money at their basketball team problem and built the now semi-famous Thunderdome, the 5,600 seat Events Center. (Catchy name)

In addition to a new winning coach and new uniforms, before the first game of the season someone had the brilliant idea that the Gauchos should have a Gaucho mascot. Although not as bad as the Banana Slugs or Anteaters of UC Santa Cruz and Irvine respectively, the Gauchos isn’t the most popular mascot in NCAA history with the students at UCSB. What a South American cowboy with a Zorro hat has to do with Santa Barbara nobody will ever be able to explain. Why not the Surfers? The Waves? The Dolphins? Or the Chumash Indians? Or the Ranchers? Hell, even the Missionaries would make for great jokes. The Conquistadors? That could be shortened to the Conks.

No, we had the Gauchos.

So it was with great suspicion that we eyed the little guy off to the sideline during the basketball game in the Zorro hat replete with little dangling balls, a frilly white shirt, red vest and baggy black genie pants tucked into his red cowboy boots nervously fidgeting with his costume and waiting for his introduction.

“This better be good,” said one of my beered-up fraternity brothers. And by that we all knew he meant Gary the Gaucho better be like that Phoenix Suns Gorilla and jump off a small trampoline, spin through the air and slam down a dunk and stick the landing.

Standing in the UCSB logo at halftime like a gymnast poised to mount the vault was Gary the Gaucho. The announcer boomed:

“And now, ladies and gentlemen, for your 1980 UC Santa Barbara men’s basketball team, let me introduce to you your new mascot, GARY . . . THE . . . GAUCHO!”

Gary the Gaucho begins a little too-dainty trot towards us, the fans, when he gets to the sideline he does a little hop, then a skip and then he jumps a grand total of about five inches in the air and lands in a “Tah Daaah” flourish, no flips, no summersaults, arms raised as if he just won the all-around gymnastics Olympic gold medal.

For what-seemed-like a long time, there was a deafening and shocked silence. By that I mean you could hear somebody cough. That silence was quickly bludgeoned to death with the loudest boos and yelling and angry screaming you have ever heard accompanied by flying popcorn boxes, beer cups, shoes, sandals, beer cans, beach balls, all well-aimed and cascading down on top of poor Gary the Gaucho.

Although I won’t swear to this, I honestly think I remember a fish hitting Gary flush in the face as he stormed off with his face in his hands balling like a jilted bride never to return.

Thus began and ended the saga that was Gary the Gaucho. A tale still being told to this day to Gary’s long-suffering psychologist, no doubt.