Wednesday, November 24, 2010


Look out, everybody, 'cause it's another surfin' daaaawwwwwwg


It’s cold, we gonna get the fleece on up in this piece, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


These invasive TSA airport searches aren’t all bad. Kirsty Alley found her lost TV remote.


The Illinois-Northwestern game was played in Wrigley Field on a shortened padded one-way field. That’s not the weirdest part, somehow the Chicago Cubs lost.


The Illinois-Northwestern game was played in Wrigley Field this weekend. A game in Wrigley Field in the late fall? Is that even possible?


This week they broke ground on the George W. Bush Library. It’s located in Irony Town next to the Charlie Sheen Monastery.


You know what is a great job? Being a writer on “Two and a Half Men.” You get paid a fortune and all you have to do is ask; “Hey, Mr. Sheen, what did you do this weekend?”


The latest trend in pornography is women who, shall we say, let their garden grow retro-style. They got the idea when Bush’s book came out.


Everyone is excited about Prince William and Kate Middleton’s engagement. Camilla Parker Bowles is so excited she is going to wear her best bridle to the bridal shower.


This new invasive TSA airport search procedure has gone too far. Delta has had to officially change their motto to “We love to fly and it shows . . . in our pants.”


This new invasive airport search procedure have gone too far. There is no justifiable reason why that big, hairy TSA agent did better with me than I did with Karen Hansen after the prom.


President Obama agrees the TSA searches are annoying, but they are necessary to fight terrorism; oh, bouncers are going to run with this; “Excuse me pretty lady, but if you don’t let me rub you down, the terrorists will win.”


The good news? I made into the “People” sexiest men alive issue. The bad news? It was as a Neil Patrick Harris turn off.


In the Pittsburgh win over the Oakland Raiders, Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger was punched and flattened. Or as two-time sexual assault-charged Roethlisberger calls punching someone: a date.

Pittsburgh Steeler QB and two-time sexual assault-charged, Ben Roethlisberger, was punched and flattened by Oakland Raider Richard Seymour. The bad news for Seymour is he was ejected and will be fined. The good news? N.O.W has named Seymour man of the year.


Since you asked:

We just had a discussion with friends about whether John Travolta is or isn’t. (Yes, I know, they, John and Kelly, just had a boy)

Let’s review. For a straight male, I have impeccable gaydar because my brother was gay. So when somebody has a quirk, or gesture, or resembles something about my brother, it gets a bell.

For example, comedian Russell Brand set off one bell. Turns out he is straight as they come. My system isn’t flawless. But if two or more bells go off? Gay. Not that there is anything wrong with it, I’m just edifying.

John Travolta? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Remember, if a guy is handsome, can sing and dance, he is probably very likely, most possibly, quite probably gay, gay, gay.

The handsome barometer between a gay man and a straight man is Russell Crowe. If a guy is much handsomer, in a pretty way, than Russell Crowe, then he is probably gay. That’s not always true, there are some straight pretty boys to be sure: Brad Pitt, Paul Newman, rest in peace, Ryan Reynolds, Rob Lowe, that Spanish guy who does the bee in those things.

But that’s about it.

Oh, please don’t say; “Buh, b, b, but what about Tom Cruise, eeehhhh?”

Tom, albeit appearing to be a perfectly nice fellow, sets off my gaydar bells more than Christmas at Saint Mary’s Cathedral. The guy chose the name Cruise around 1980. In 1980 cruising was the most hardcore, gayest thing a man could do. He could have picked any name, but he picked Cruise.

Antonio Banderas. Just remembered the Spanish guy.