Why aren't they making them like Bob Mathias anymore?

That’ll be the day, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


The failed Times Square bomber, terrorist Faisal Shahzad, received a life sentence. So now instead of getting 72 virgins in heaven, in prison he is going to be de-virginized 72 times. (I.e., they're gonna eff the ess out of his bee)


When Florida police discovered a bag of rock cocaine hidden in a man’s buttocks, the man denied the coke was his. The police gave the man a chance to change his story, but he was a real a-hole about it.

Florida police discovered a bag of rock cocaine in a man’s buttocks, upon hearing this, Paris Hilton said; “That’s a hard way to chew gum.”

If you have a laptop computer on your lap, you can develop a skin rash from the heat. To which Bill Clinton said; “Yeah, that’s how I got that rash on my crotch, from my laptop.”

When Florida police discovered a bag of rock cocaine in a man’s buttocks. It is the first reported case of crack-on-crack crime.

Twitter CEO Evan Williams has resigned, Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg has an unflattering movie coming out and Microsoft’s Bill Gates is giving up $60 billion. This has to be the roughest time to be a computer nerd since the UN failed to recognize Klingons as a nation.

In 2006, Delaware Senate candidate, Christine O’Donnell said she had classified information that China was attempting to takeover the United States. Apparently China’s plan is to hire non-masturbating witches to put a curse on us that will make us lie about where we went to college.

The FDA has approved Kapvay, an ADD drug; I read about it on Wikipedia after I Googled it from a tweet I got from an e-mail in a poke on Facebook. Wait, what were we talking about?

On “Sixty Minutes” Bill and Melinda Gates announced are going to give away $60 billion dollars. $60 billion gone like that. It’s as if they were the CEO of Citigroup, Governor of California and the United States Postmaster General rolled into one.

To celebrate the cancellation of his divorce from Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt shaved off his ratty beard with a buck knife on YouTube. When asked why he was such an idiot, Pratt declined to answer, he was busy trying to find his instructions to operate his Snuggie.


I tell ya, (adjusting tie) this economy is bad. Today I saw Lady Gaga wearing a dress made out of Hamburger Helper. (fanfare)


Since you asked:

As a proud former Sam Adams UCSB coached decathlete, just when I thought Bruce Jenner couldn’t become more of an embarrassment, he does. Forget for now the fact that, due to botched plastic surgery, Bruce looks like a mean old lesbian prison warden, Jenner’s appearances on “Keeping Up with the Kardashian’s” is off-the-hook odd.

“I don’t want my wife with another man;” Bruce admonishes his wife Kris, who resembles a mean old male prison warden.

Not to be indiscreet, but what does Bruce care? Rumor after rumor after rumor has it that Bruce is, well, more you-know-whater than a tofu finger sandwich at a Tony Awards party. OK, so those are only rumors, Jenner still appears like the nightmare house guest who won’t go away.

Despite the flagrant cheating of putting on 40-odd pounds of steroid muscles from 1972 to his gold medal in 1976, Bruce Jenner was a phenomenal athlete as my buddy Mark O’Snickity Snake pointed out. Steroids can’t propel you to a 4:12.6 1500 meters.

But doesn’t the man have any shame? A segment of Jenner’s on “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” was uncharacteristically vicious by Conan mocking what an embarrassing infomercial shill, corny huckster and sad sweater-wearing Hollywood wannabe Jenner has digressed. And Conan didn’t even bring up the all plastic surgery. Conan just hammered Jenner relentlessly and Bruce seemed genuinely happy to be the brunt of the jokes. Why? Because he was on TV.

Bob Mathias and Jim Thorpe are spinning in their graves.