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Hey, hey, my, my, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Mark McGwire has admitted he used steroids when he set the home run record of 70 in 1998. At this point that’s like Bernie Madoff admitting he cheated on his taxes.

Sarah Palin has signed on as a commentator on “Fox News.” That’s because there isn’t currently a Cougar News.

Simon Cowell is going to leave “American Idol” after this season; Simon wants to spend more time insulting his family.

Sarah Palin has signed on as a commentator on “Fox News; which was disappointing to NBC, they were going to give her their 10:00 PM spot.

Mark McGwire has admitted he used steroids when he set the home run record of 70 in 1998. In an equally shocking story, Sammy Sosa admits he used to be black.

Sarah Palin signed with “Fox News”, but I don’t think she gets it; Sarah said; “In addition to “Fox News” I could also do moose, rabbit and caribou news ‘cause I’ve hunted them too dontchya yah know.”

St. Louis Cardinal slugger Mark McGwire has admitted he used steroids when he set the home run record of 70 in 1998. He got the idea of coming clean on steroids when he watched the Times Square ball drop on New Year’s Eve.

The Hudson River in New York is frozen. Now you can practically walk all the way across the Hudson without having to step on the floating bodies.

The Hudson River in New York is frozen. This is the coldest any Hudson has been since Kate heard Alex Rodriguez was with another stripper.

The Hudson River in New York is frozen. It’s so bad the Mafia is dumping bodies in New Jersey Jacuzzis.

Subway passengers around the world observed “No Pants Subway Ride” on Sunday; or as New York subway riders call it: Sunday.

John McCain aide Steve Schmidt was shocked at Sarah Palin’s lack of knowledge, for example, she didn’t understand why there was a South and North Korea. Which, for “Fox News” makes her overqualified.

Since you asked:

Not sure if you’ve ever sold anything on Craigslist, but you should just for the entertainment value. Like a first-time heroin buyer, my initial experience with Craigslist was free, simple and amazing.

From the time I took the picture of my old style snowboard – a hard boot carving board that I have since abandoned for a soft boot all-mountain board – and uploaded it on Craigslist to the time a nice freedom-fighting soldier from Camp Pendleton was slapping four twenties in my palm, was two hours.

From that second on, if I wasn’t using it, I was taking pictures of it and posting it on Craigslist. My old windsurfer board and sail, a weight bench I didn’t really use, an office chair, – I sit like a nimrod on one of those big bouncy exercise balls for my back and my core muscles – an actual Persian rug, two brass lamps and even a frickin’ step ladder.

Then I sat back and waited for the money to rain down like the proverbial manna-from-heaven.

My word, the cavalcade of morons, hose-nozzles, mouth-breathers, nimrods, douche-bags, a-holes and dicktards that followed was something to behold.

My ad clearly stated I was selling a top quality windsurfing board with fin and sail only, nothing else, for an obscenely small amount, $50. The fin alone is worth more than that. No masts, no booms, no lines, no universal mast joints, no harnesses. Just a board and sail.

This guy straight out of “Dude, Where’s My Car?” shows up, sees my board and sail on the lawn and his jaw drops and he asks incredulously;

“Uh, wha, um, how am I supposed to sail it like this?”

And then he turns around, gets in his car and drives off. For $50 for a board and sail worth $500, he fully expected to be shredding over the ocean waves on gear that would, at minimum, cost $2,000.

People would beg me over the phone not to sell an item they saw online until they got there. And then when they got here and looked at it, it was like someone had recently let their dog relieve themselves on top of it. And all of these items were pictured in the ad, mind you.

After a while I felt like saying to these over-entitled dildos:

“Oh, that item I am offering for $100 that is worth over $500? I am so, so sorry it isn’t worth the $2000 you expected it to be. Will you ever frickin’ forgive me, you incredibly out-of-touch ass?”

The bright side is that I have apparently been blessed with friends and family who are incredibly honest and reliable by comparison. Once you stick your toe into the wading pool that is the public, your faith in the overall quality of human nature gets sucked out like the cream filling of a deep fried Twinkie at the county fair by a fat, hairy, sweaty guy named Earl. And such.

Even when the “prospects” – and, boy, am I being kind using that word – are wildly excited about the item for sale prior to having seen it, and they are deadly earnest in their desire to purchase it, on average they show up about two-and-a-half hours later than they say they will. That’s if they show up at all.

One of the cheaper items I have for sale is a tool I am selling for $20 which is about exactly what it is worth. A woman e-mailed me and actually asked if I could drive it over to her, she lives 20 minutes away, just so she can look at it to consider buying it.

And when they are on their way – invariably as you are heading out the door – they call on their cell phone (these are the dill-nobs who still talk on their hand-held cell phones when they drive) and breathlessly beg you to stay until they get there.

Once they arrive, they impatiently and rudely act like you owe them money.

The good news? This has given me a great idea for a treatment for a movie: “Craigslisted” It’s about a guy who tries to sell his girlfriend on Craigslist.

Once it’s done, remind me not to post the manuscript on Craigslist.