Friday, December 18, 2009

One more of the Ying and Yang doggies, Kasey - in front - and Wrigley

The New England Patriot's mascot, Pat the Patriot, was arrested for soliciting a prostitute. It get's worse: he asked her to dress up as the San Diego Chicken.

A great present for you and your kids this Christmas? The Northwest Airlines Airplane bed. It puts your kids right to sleep.

This is so good

Hate the hatin’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Be honest, how many of you, at the start of the year, thought you would have a much better year than both Michael Jackson and Tiger Woods?

I’m not a mathematician, but isn’t it almost statistically impossible that Tiger Woods has not had sex with Paris Hilton?

Tiger Woods and is wife Elin are reportedly undergoing intense and lengthy in-house marriage counseling, or as guys call that: Hell.

Rumor has it Tiger Woods once hooked up with Jessica Simpson; both sides deny it, but at this point, Tiger denying having sex with anyone is like Kirsty Alley denying she ate the last donut.

The Sports Editors of America named Tiger Woods athlete of the decade; I’m sorry, I read that wrong, it is athlete of the decadence.

One rumor has Tiger Woods moving to France. And if there is one place that screams sexual fidelity, it has to be France. Even Brazil makes fun of how horny the French are.

Video game maker EA Sports and the trading card company, Upper Deck, are sticking with Tiger Woods despite his multiple hot women sex affairs. That’s because guys who play video games and collect trading cards don’t know what the words multiple hot women sex affairs even mean.

Tiger Woods high school sweetheart, Dina Parr, a pretty and nice girl, said Tiger broke up with her with a letter; and if you’ve seen the quality of Tiger’s girlfriends since Dina Parr, you know that Tiger has been going steadily under Parr.

A U. of Penn study reveals alcohol was prevalent in almost all cultures throughout history; China made beer, wine was in the ancient Mediterranean and in Egypt they discovered a drink the Pharaohs liked called the Larry King: one drink and you keep interrupting your guests.

Since you asked:

“The Hangover” on DVD? Oh my word. It is great. There is no way I can over sell it, it is so fun. It really is as good as a fun boy’s trip to Las Vegas without the time, hassle, smell of secondary smoke on your clothes masking the cheap stripper perfume, the hangovers and the loss in revenue due to gambling.

“The Hangover” made me so happy to know, as far as Las Vegas is concerned, I have been there and done that. In fact, my next trip to Las Vegas is with my family for a soccer tournament. How married with a child is that? And I don’t even care. The soccer part is what I am looking forward to. And maybe a few hands of Texas Hold ‘em and black jack. And a good steak. And rum. And wine.

But that’s it.

Crazy Carmel Valley Soccer Mom Story, # 795.

So I am driving home with Ann Caroline from her school, parked along the curb is a woman who has her wheels turned out and is obviously wanting to merge into the street. As I am driving by I see she slowly starts to pull out, but is going to narrowly miss me, so I keep on going. She isn't looking so when she finally sees me in front of her, she slams on the break and lays on her horn. Got that? Because I had the nerve not to stop in the middle of the street to let her in front of me, this crazy bitch blasts her horn at me.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Dude, your life so sucks right now . . .

Happy Hanukkah, or for Tiger Woods, Happy Hornykkah.

The New England Patriot mascot, Pat the Patriot, was arrested for soliciting an undercover cop posing as a prostitute. He offered her an extra $100 if she would launch his Patriot missile.

Virgin Atlantic will offer space flights to passengers for $200,000. Good news for Tiger Woods, he can finally join the 50-mile-high club.

The New England Patriot mascot, Pat the Patriot, was arrested for soliciting an undercover cop posing as a prostitute. That is shocking, a guy with a great gig wearing a big foam mascot outfit can’t score babes on his own?

Tiger Woods’s wife, Elin, was photographed getting gas conspicuously without her wedding ring. You think that’s bad? Tiger Woods was seen in his local gym showering without his penis.

“The New York Times” reported a doctor who treated Tiger Woods was arrested October 15th, at the Canadian border, for having human growth hormone. But I am sure Tiger Woods is innocent, when have the words Tiger Woods and cheating ever been associated? Oh, yeah, right.

At a Brooklyn high school, two attractive female language teachers, one taught French, the other Spanish, were caught having lesbian sex. The women deny it claiming they were simply applying a little foreign tongue to each other.

The women claim they were just conjugating the verb do.

Former N.Y. Gov, Elliot Spitzer call girl, Ashley DuPree has been interviewed about the Tiger Woods scandal and she will write a relationship advice column for the “New York Post.” That’s when we’re in trouble, when our moral compass is a politician’s whore.

A Louisiana woman was arrested for pouring hot grits on her boyfriend while he was asleep. On the bright side, she committed the most red neck crime of all time surpassing former skater Tonya Harding hitting her boyfriend in the head in their trailer home with a hubcap ash trey.

Tiger Woods’s wife, Elin, was photographed getting her own gas sans wedding ring. That makes her the second person in her marriage caught pumping something without a ring.

Since you asked:

Another rousing game of:

Fun fake cell phone conversations to captive audiences:

“Now when you say it burns when you go, is it gargling Listerine burn or boiling water burn?”

“And just what makes you think I gave you an STD? Oh, yeah.”

“No kidding. When you woke up your wallet was gone?”

“She can call herself a sex therapist all she wants, Dude, if she’s charging you, she’s a hooker.”

“Since when does texting violate the restraining order?”

"You can have all the DNA tests you want, that is not my kid. Well, for starters, I'm not Asian."

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Just Screw It

Just do it to it and screw it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Everyone is making out their Christmas lists. Tiger Woods is asking for a brand new alibi.

Luxury Swiss watchmaker Tag Heuer is sticking with Tiger Woods. Not only that, they are going to make a new Tiger Woods watch. Instead of a big hand and a little hand, the Tiger watch has a big head and a little head, but only the little head functions.

It’s the time of year when Santa Claus decides who’s been naughty or nice. Gosh, I wonder which way that is going to go for Tiger Woods?

Have you heard about the new Tiger Woods Christmas Special? It’s called; “Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Here is a fun bit we at a.L.B.B. like to call:

End of conversations you don’t want to walk in on at a party:

“ . . . and if I catch who taught the little bastard to call Child Protective Services, I’ll kill ‘em.”

“ . . . I can’t tell if it’s just irritated or infected. Can I show you?”

“ . . . now I have to go to everyone in the neighborhood and tell them. Can you believe that?”

“ . . . so I said, if you ain’t got a restraining order, it ain’t stalking, sugar lips.”

“ . . . sure, they call it embezzling, I call it creative investing.”

“ . . . they just let me out for the funerals, I have to go back in on Monday.” (I actually heard that one)

“ . . . I could have sworn that gun wasn’t loaded.”

" . . . how something that huge fit in me, I have no idea."

" . . . I like her, and she is Tiger Woods approved."

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

May the winds of Odin blow Thor's Thunder past the mighty Free Mexican Air Force (It's Fantasy Football playoff thang)

I know, right, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Finally some good news for Tiger Woods, he picked up a new sponsor; the bad news? It’s the “Maury” show.

So far in the list of 14 women who have claimed to have sex with Tiger Woods we have two porn stars, several strippers, a couple hookers, cocktail waitresses and one pancake waitress. That’s not a sex scandal, that’s a Quentin Tarantino movie.

Rush Limbaugh said the black community is depressed because President Barack Obama is not doing a good job. Don’t forget, Rush Limbaugh knows as much about the black community as he knows running a marathon.

Jim and Michelle Duggar have had their 19th child, a girl name Josie. At this point OSHA has demanded Michelle’s vagina install a revolving door and an maximum occupancy sign.

Since you asked:
Pizza and brew with our awesome extended soccer family, then home for wine and "The Hangover."