Saturday, October 17, 2009

Lock it, stock it and hock it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In Sweden, a truck driver was arrested for reckless driving after he crashed his truck while masturbating. In addition, he lost his job delivering Viagra, Jergens lotion and Kleenex.

The driver just claims it just looked like he was masturbating, really his stick shift was stuck.

Arnold Schwarzenegger said he would take swift action on his wife, Maria, who drove while using her hand-held cell phone. For those of you who aren’t married, when a man says swift action against his wife that means saying; “Honey, will you please stop that? No? OK, fine.”

The bad news? Sea World was sold. The worse news? It was sold to the owner of the Long John Silver seafood restaurant chain.

There was a huge gay rights march in Washington DC. where a chant rose; “Obama, Obama, let Mamma marry Mamma.” Which was better than the chant to the Vice President “Oh Biden, oh Biden, let me out this closet I’m hidin’.”

The two cites in the NLCS, Los Angeles and Philadelphia, have made a bet. If Philadelphia wins, they get a crate of oranges, if Los Angeles wins, they don’t have to live in Philadelphia.

Did you see the clip of President Obama dancing at the Hispanic music fiesta? Well so did the Nobel Prize committee and they want their Nobel prize back.

Did you see the clip of President Obama dancing at the White House Hispanic music fiesta? As a dancer, Obama is one hell of a bowler.

Junior Seau has un-retired to join the New England Patriots for the third time; not to say Junior is getting up there, but the first time he played for the Patriots they beat the Red Coats.

Junior Seau has un-retired to join the New England Patriots for the third time; Seau is pretty old, legally he has to change his name from Junior to Senior Seau.
Dear Advertising Executives:

If you don’t stop using the beloved rock songs of my high school youth in your commercials, as god is my witness, I will jump across the conference table, jam my fingers up your nostrils and drag you by your snout out in the hall so your fellow soulless Satan’s minions can hear you squeal like the rapacious swamp sow that you are.

Have a blessed day,


Friday, October 16, 2009

Here is our backyard Balloon Boy

Track it, pack it and stack it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Miley Cyrus quit Twitter? There goes my last reason to live.

Courtney Love quit Twitter. Courtney Love got tired of reading all the drunken and stoned messages posted by some crazy woman called Courtney Love

Miley Cyrus cancelled her Twitter account; she announced she was canceling Twitter on her iPhone to her blog, facebook and MySpace pages after posting a viral video mpg about it on YouTube. And right now my Aunt Myrtles head just exploded.

You know what a survey said the most dangerous job in the United States is? Policemen. The safest job in the US? Playing quarterback against the San Diego Chargers.

You know what a survey said the most dangerous job in the United States is? Policemen. The second most dangerous job in America? Now it’s “The Late Show with David Letterman’s” new hot receptionist.

Miley Cyrus wrote a rap song about quitting Twitter; and the sentence Miley Cyrus wrote a rap song about quitting Twitter is now the #1 sentence my Aunt Snookie will never, ever, understand.

Miley Cyrus, who plays Hannah Montana, wrote a rap song about quitting Twitter. And if there are more than two things about that sentence you don’t get, you’re old.

Miley Cyrus quit Twitter because she felt it hurt her privacy. Miley, sweetie, Twitter is kind of like panties, if you don’t put them on display, nobody will see anything.

A lot of celebrities are on Twitter. Today Lindsay Lohan made five awful choices in just one tweet post.

A lot of celebrities are on Twitter. Today Lindsay Lohan tried to snort Twitter.

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have these nasty fights on Twitter. Twitter posts are like Lindsay’s vajay-jay, she doesn’t understand everyone can see it.

Lindsay Lohan did a spoof on “Laugh or Die” spoofing her eHarmony profile. Lindsay was very funny. Don’t get me wrong, Lindsay is still bat-poop crazy, but she was funny.

Lindsay Lohan’s last movie, “Labor Pains” came out straight to DVR. The working title of “Labor Pains” was “Why the Hell Did I Agree To Do a Movie With Lindsay Lohan?”

Lindsay Lohan’s last movie, “Labor Pains” came out straight to DVR. Lindsay Lohan is working on a new film and it is almost finished. They just have to write out three apologies and four retractions.

Lindsay Lohan did a spot on “Laugh or Die” spoofing her eHarmony profile and the light hits her sheer mini skirt revealing, once again, Lindsay was not wearing panties. This is for the 14 people in the world who have not seen Lindsay’s vajay-jay.

Since you asked:

Look, nobody is saying that Falcon Henne’s parents are not nuts; they went on the white trash show “Wife Swap” they named their kid Falcon and they have a friggin’ backyard balloon to try and catch extraterrestrials. These people are flaming bat-poop crazy.

But did they stage the Balloon Boy saga? No. How am I so sure? Have you heard them interviewed, especially the dad? Folks ain’t devious enough to stage this. Potentially horrific accidents happen even to crazy people.

When I heard about a kid allegedly flying off in a hot air balloon, my first thought is, well, that wouldn’t happen if they hadn’t had a freaking hot air balloon in their backyard. It’s like when people get mauled by their pet tigers or chimps. You know how to avoid that? Don’t have a pet chimp or tiger.

My wife’s family is from Colorado. They are some of the nicest, kindest and down-to-earth people you can meet. But there is a dash of crazy in there. There is something about those amazingly beautiful and rugged mountains that brings out the Indian/minor/cowboy in folks. Or maybe it is the other way around. The mountains attract those wilder personalities.

Personally I am crazy about them, probably because I am part crazy too. It would be boring not to be.

Go to a Colorado ski resort sometime. The people who work there are awesome, they love life, they are athletic and they live life like crazy. And the crazy sticks to them like fresh snow.

Are the Henne’s crazy? Yes. Devious? No.

And another thing . . .

I’ve been following the rich and famous on Twitter and Facebook and one thing I have learned about the rich and famous: they go back and forth from New York to Los Angeles a lot, with odd trips to London and Paris thrown in for fun. Slash, Paris, Caprice Crane, Diablo Cody, Lance Armstrong, Shaq. They go to New York like we go to Cost Co. Except without the inconsiderate slobs leaving their huge tube-sock-filled-cart in the way so they can gorge their fat asses on free cocktail weenies.

The almost famous? They go to Phoenix, San Francisco, Seattle, Portland, Denver and Las Vegas a lot.

Oh, and while I am thinking about it, hey there, you, person who invented those grocery carts with the car in front for little kids so mom can obliviously block my way even more? Thanks. Thanks for that mobile monument to white trash.

By the way, "Bat-Poop Crazy" is my new Flight of the Conchords folk duo/rap/parody song.

Whether you know it or not. we all have special super powers. One of mine includes the power to have one of the 500 people in the country who don't know how to operate the grocery store check out pad, be the person in front of me.

In addition, I can magically attract idiot drivers who wander mindlessly out of their lane into my lane.

Never said these were good super powers, I just said I have them.

Previous Message | Next Message

Thursday, October 15, 2009

These are so ugly they should not be called throwback jerseys, but throw up jerseys

Getting it done on the run, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A survey ranked the 55 cities with the smartest residents down to the least smartest residents and Fresno finished last. Upon hearing this a Fresno resident asked “What’s a resident?”

If the Bud Light Football infomercial guy hooked up with the Progressive Insurance lady, together they could spawn the most annoying human on the planet.

The cover of Sarah Palin’s book, “Going Rogue” features a picture of Sarah looking thoughtful. So I guess anything is possible.

A survey claims women are happiest after having sex for 30 minutes; wow, that makes the two minutes I only need even more impressive.

The Chicago Cubs have filed Chapter 11; on the bright side, 11 is highest number they’ve ever had in October.

An Australian man was arrested for breaking into a sex shop, having sex with blow up dolls and then discarding them in the alley. Or as he called that: loving and leaving ‘em.

Have you heard of the new show on CBS? “CSI: My Kitchen.”

At a huge gay rights rally in Washington DC, a chant came up of “Hey, Obama, let mamma marry mamma.” This was much better than the prior chant; “Hey Bush, I wanna do it in the tush.”

Did you see the hideous brown and yellow throwback uniforms the Denver Broncos wore Sunday? How bad were they?” UPS delivery truck drivers were making fun of the Broncos brown pants.

Did you see the hideous brown and yellow throwback uniforms the Denver Broncos wore Sunday? Without going into lurid detail, there are two colors you don’t want pants to ever be and they are, in order, brown and yellow.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

We gonna spiral the viral up in this up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

On Twitter, Paris Hilton revealed a picture of her new baby pig she named Miss Pigelette, misspelling piglet; remind me again why Paris Hilton didn’t win the Noble Peace Prize?

There was an awkward moment when they announced President Obama won the Nobel Prize, Kanye West grabbed the microphone and said; “Imma gonna let you finish, but France’s Nicolas Sarkozy was the best world leader of all time.”

I’m not sure who is on Letterman tonight, but I am pretty sure it’s not his wife.

Michael Lohan said he wants to give his daughter, Lindsay Lohan, an intervention. And Lindsay said she wants to get her father, Michael, the Joe Jackson book on better parenting.

NASA fired two exploding rockets at the moon. Yeah, apparently the moon called NASA a bunch of geeks, nerds and dorks.

Poor David Letterman. Remember the good ol’ days when the only woman who hated Letterman was Sarah Palin?

Congress is proposing giving everyone who has a baby $500. Oh goodie, finally a way to make NBA players even richer.

R. Kelly says he is illiterate. Guess the R. in R. Kelly doesn’t stand for reading.

R. Kelly says he is illiterate. So that means he just pretended to read those bedtime stories to his dates.

Former “American Idol” judge Paula Abdul has painted Simon Cowell’s picture on her finger nails; well, on the one nail on her middle finger.

Former “American Idol” judge Paula Abdul has painted Simon Cowell’s picture on her finger nails; to reciprocate, Simon got Paula’s face tattoo’d on his man-boob.

Miley Cyrus is closing her Twitter page. If you didn’t understand any of that last sentence, you’re over 40.

President Barack Obama was awarded a Nobel Peace Prize, well, you certainly can see why, Obama deserves the Nobel prize for, uh, well, there was that, um, how about those Dodgers?

According to an Adam and Eve adult entertainment poll, 70% of people said their first sexual experience was positive. The other 30% said David Letterman was only so-so.

A University of Miami survey claims people who drink alcohol exercise more. But that’s only if you count push ups on the toilet as exercise.

The latest food served at state fairs is a bacon cheeseburger between two buttered Krispy Kreme donuts. Sadly, most people at the state fair don’t have enough teeth to eat one.

An Australian motor speedway is limiting their patrons to 24 beers. Not because they were too drunk, the race cars kept crashing after sliding on all the urine on the track.

The International Olympics Committee has included golf for the 2016 Olympics in Rio. So that means Tiger Woods could win a gold medal. Maybe in some way that will fill the void of merely being a billionaire married to a Swedish bikini model.

R. Kelly says he can’t read. That explains why he wasn’t upset about being called a pedophile, he doesn’t know what it means.

A survey says the most annoying word is whatever. The second most annoying word? Whatever comes out of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’s mouth.

Amy Winehouse has gone from having 16 million dollars down to 2 million dollars. But that’s up to four million dollars if you include the street value of her liver.

Since you asked:

Not to be immodest or braggadocios, and like I've said a billion times, it's not good to exaggerate, but I may have revolutionized grilling as we know it.

You've heard me laud the praises of Argentine grilling? Hard wood coals, marinate meat in olive oil, indirect heat, sea salt, sear at the end.

But there are some drawbacks. You have to buy coals, you have to wait for it to light, your hands get very dirty from the black powder.

Nothing is easier than firing up the gas grill.

So I decided to see if I could replicate the Weber on the gas grill. I've got a smoker box, filled it with soaked mesquite chips, placed them on the hot searing panels and lowered the heat on the burners right to left and left off the far left burner. Let the smoker start smoking, put the meat on indirect heat and I seared it at the end. It got the smoke flavor and it was done perfectly medium rare.

But one huge advantage to the gas grill is how great it leaves the grill marks. The Weber's grill is too thin to make the nice cross marks.

So what do I call this new invention of doing Argentine grilling on the gas grill with a wood chip smoker:

Lexentine Grilling.

(Polite applause )

Odd thing happened. Today I Google'd the word Google on Google and my computer started openly weeping.