Friday, May 22, 2009

Whup, whup, whup, whup, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

He’s OK
It turns out he’s OK, but you know LA Dodger Manny Rameriz who is suspended for taking a female fertility drug? The earthquake LA had? It knocked Manny off the table during his sonogram.

Buffalo Bills fullback, Corey McIntyre, was arrested in Florida for fondling himself outside of a woman’s bedroom window. Fondling himself? Not to be crude, but let’s not be cute and say he fondled himself, that Buffalo Bill was buffalo’ing his bill like nobody’s business.

A Buffalo Bills fullback, Corey McIntyre, was arrested in Florida for fondling himself outside of a woman’s bedroom window. Fondling himself? Afterwards did he cuddle with himself?

A Buffalo Bills fullback, Corey McIntyre, was arrested in Florida for fondling himself outside of a woman’s bedroom window. Isn’t fondling something you do to someone else? It’s like you can’t talk dirty to yourself. “Oh, you are such a stud, yes you are, don’t stop.”

A Buffalo Bills fullback, Corey McIntyre, was arrested in Florida for fondling himself outside of a woman’s bedroom window. Now he might get traded. I bet he goes to the Green Bay Whackers, err, I mean Packers.

Great idea
A Chicago company is making a line of hair care products inspired by ex-Gov. Rod Blagojevich. The shampoo bottle comes with a wrist leash so you don’t drop it in the prison shower.

The earthquake in Los Angeles lasted 15 seconds. It was so bad Joan Rivers eyebrows actually moved.

Not good
After his pot smoking suspension, Michael Phelps lost a 100 yard backstroke race; I’m not sure Phelps isn’t still smoking pot. He lost the backstroke because the whole way down he was eating Oreo cookies from a package resting on top of his chest.

Cheaper option
Women in New York are paying $180 for bird poo facials; for those on a budget you can go to the park and pretend to be a statue.

Great moment
There is a Muslim version of “American Idol” called “Your Voice is Heard.” My favorite moment this season? When Osama bin Adam sang “Whole Lotta Mullah.”

Again, bad
We had an earthquake. I was shaking like Miss California at a women’s softball tournament.

Same thing
Mine that Bird is a gelding that won the Kentucky Derby and finished second in the Preakness. How it works with a gelding is a spirited male is castrated to calm him and then ridden around in circles while being repeatedly whipped. Or as guys call that: marriage.

Now I don't want to say Kiss is getting old, but on "American Idol" Kiss came out on stage and Gene Simmons yelled to the contestants;

"You punks get off my lawn."

Since you asked:

As tragic as what happened to James Harrison's son is, is anyone surprised? That is the second tragedy. Why would you needlessly put a child in that position? Are we so overly entitled now that our desire to own a big tough gang-like street-cred scary dog takes priority over the health of an innocent child?

Dogs do what they are trained and bred to do. When our Labradors get scared or nervous around a stranger or a loud noise, they put something in their mouths, a tennis ball, a chew toy, anything, to reassure themselves because that is what Labrador retrievers have been bred to do for over a hundred years.

When a pit bull, no matter how previously sweet and gentle, gets scared or nervous or angry or hungry or tired or hurt, it will attack, bite and not let go because that is what it has been bred to do. Attacking and biting ruthlessly is what reassures a pit bull.

Maybe a pit bull will go it's entire life without snapping and instinctively killing someone or something. Is that a chance anyone with any brains would ever take? Maybe a live torpedo won't explode if hit, but that doesn't mean you put one in your living room.

The best, sweetest and kindest intentions in the world cannot override a powerful and natural instinct. Neither can all the training in the world. A dog comes hard wired with it's instincts already installed in its brain. That is how a dog can dream of chasing a rabbit before it has ever seen a rabbit. (Don't ask me how scientists know that, they just do)

The first time I let Kasey retrieve a ball in the ocean she scared me to death because she took off at a 20 degree wrong angle south, away from the ball. What she knew, and I didn't, was that was exactly the place she needed to be because the current drifted the ball south right when she got there. That is in the breeding. Believe me, I could not teach her that if I wanted to. Her ability to feel and automatically react to the current to retrieve a floating object is as real as her webbed-for-swimming paws.

That is how it is with pit bulls and biting and killing. Anyone who says it is not the dog but how the dog is treated is simply arrogant about their ignorance. How many more children, like James Harrison's son, have to be physically and psychologically scarred for life until they realize that pit bulls are killing machines that should not be legal pets?

If you don't agree, do not e-mail me. Owning a pit bull is an IQ test. If you have one you've failed.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Oh to the my to the god, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

An English study claims the smarter a woman is the more orgasms she has; the counter opinion will be provided by Paris Hilton.

Artifacts from the old Yankee stadium will be auctioned to the public. Yeah, in fact they have the original collar that first choked Alex Rodriguez in the playoffs.

The new “Star Trek” movie is great and I love all the star cameo appearances. Remember the guy who played Sulu, George Takai? He makes an appearance as a wedding consultant.

Saudi Arabia held its first beauty pageant. The winner was stunning in her evening burka. The winner also looked stunning in the swimsuit competition, but then, sadly, they had to behead her for wearing a swimsuit in public.

Since you asked:

The other day my daughter, Ann Caroline, is studying hard for a big fifth grade science test. After studying for a long time she asked me;

"How do you know when you have studied enough?" To which I replied;

"Let's put it this way, you can stop studying when you're as smart as your Dad."

"Oh", she said without blinking, "so I guess I am done."

(Sniff) They grow up so fast.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

What to the what to the what, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Double handed
In Pittsburgh, a man received the first US double hand transplant. Or as “Star Trek” fans call that: a double sex change operation.

That’s nice
Pfizer announced they will give free Viagra to men who lost their job. That’s not a bad idea, it will give the guys a place to hang their hat while standing in the unemployment line.

Give it up
In Pittsburgh, a man received the first US double hand transplant. Although he is doing well, we really should take a moment and give the two donors a big hand.

Good job
Today is historic, it is seventh day in a row that VP Joe Biden has gone without saying something stupid.

So mean
Rachel Alexandra was the first filly in 85 years to win the Preakness. A filly is a female horse three years or under, a mare is a female horse three years or older and a really old female horse is called a Camilla Parker Bowles.

Yeah, that will solve things
Pfizer announced they will give free Viagra to men who are unemployed. Because that is what we really need, guys who can’t keep a job reproducing like crazy.

Saw this one coming, so to speak
Pfizer announced they will give free Viagra to men who are unemployed. This will bring new meaning to the term hard times.

Green with envy
After 16 years, Maggie, the baby on “The Simpson” spoke her first complete sentence. Former President Bush is so jealous.

Actually her first sentence was “I want a percentage and a producing credit.”

Yeah, besides them
The Preakness winner was Rachel Alexandra. You have to love horse racing, it is the only sport where the participants are allowed to relieve themselves right where they perform, besides the New York Knicks.

Since you asked:
Christian Bale is promoting “Terminator Salvation.” Promoting a movie is the arduous process of being interviewed in luxury hotel suites in Cannes and Manhattan to talk about how difficult it is to wait in a plush trailer for eight hours to film a scene for one hour where you scream at a crew member for moving, make tens of millions of dollars for doing it and then take six months off.

But seriously, I do know some male movie stars and it is tough and hard work. Imagine everyone you meet wants something from you? They want to give you their jewelry; they want to give you their clothing line; they want to give you the best table at a restaurant and then pick up your dinner tab; and then, if that wasn’t bad enough, the hot looking women even want to use you for sex. It has to be brutal.

And if all of that wasn’t awful enough, there are paparazzi who take your picture and sell it to newspapers and magazines and online gossip sites because, you’re so good looking, they want to look at you some more. How do they do it? It’s a mystery.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Talk it out before you walk it out, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Smart looking
You know who gave the NYU commencement speech at Yankee Stadium? Sec. of State, Hillary Clinton. And to honor the Yankees she wore a pinstripe pantsuit.

Oh, Lex, no
A survey reveals 87% of women like to yell out instructions to men in bed and 78% like to yell out instructions when men drive. And both times they say the same thing, “Careful, I do not want to get rear ended.”

Once again
A stripper claims she had three way sex with Michael Phelps for three hours. And here is the best part, she said Phelps just beat out the French swimmer by a finger tip.

Since you asked:

Going for a 3 mile run. Marinate boneless skinned chicken thighs in orange juice, a hearty squeeze of lime and garlic powder for over an hour. Grill the chicken along with pineapple and red bell pepper kaboobs.

In a pan, add diced green onions and garlic, saute, add the marinade and bring to a boil, add a splash of white wine vinegar, let simmer. Rice in rice cooker with chicken broth and Bob is your uncle. Chop up the breasts and the pineapple and red bell peppers, add the sauce and mix it up. Orange Adobo chicken bowls.

Not since I was five have I heard more things of which I have no concept.

Twitter? Swiffer? iPod app? ABC’s “Lost”? Simms family? Plaxo? Derivatives? Sexted? Flo Rida? OMG, LMAO? What, what? A shorty? What is it is what it is? Cover Two Defense? The difference between something that is urban versus ghetto? And just about everything Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul say.

Again, I want some answers or there will be a tookus in my totebag in somebody’s future.

OK, how is this for my version of talk to the hand? Don't crapamole in the guacamole?