In San Diego, a 15-year-old boy testified he was forced to have sex with his ex-teacher who was also his godmother. Authorities became suspicious when he referred to her as his Oh God-mother.
The White House announced VP Joe Biden has been stricken with laryngitis; the genie then informed President Obama he still has two wishes left.
Watch out, Bernie
Bernie Madoff’s longtime secretary said Bernie made sexual remarks and regularly visited massage parlors. If this Madoff guy isn’t careful, people are going start to think he is sleazy.
It says it right on the menu
Tuesday, President Obama and VP Joe Biden had lunch at a Virginia burger place, Ray’s Hell Burger. Joe ordered the regular Ray’s Hell Burger Cheeseburger, the President ordered the fancier “Joe, stop saying stupid crap all the time” burger.
A Davis CA man claims he has invented an iPhone app that can read a dog’s mind. It gives insightful information like; “I’m spinning, I’m spinning, I’m spinning and now down. Nope, I need to get up and spin a couple more times. Spin, spin, spin, OK, plop down.”
Manny cheating Manny
Los Angeles Dodgers enigmatic star, Manny Rameriz, has tested positive for performance enhancing drugs and will be suspended for 50 games. Manny’s odd behavior has been termed “Manny being Manny” but I guess it is “Manny injecting in his fanny.”
Why is that?
A Davis CA man claims he has invented an iPhone app that can read a dog’s mind. It provides insightful dog questions like; “How come when my owner passes gas it makes so much noise?”
The . . . same . . . way
Tuesday, President Obama and VP Joe Biden had lunch at a Virginia burger place. Did you see the clip? President Obama orders a burger like he gives a speech, with the same Captain Kirk dramatic pauses: “I’d like . . . a cheese burger . . . cheddar. . . with ... tomatoes.”
Not as good
The jockey of the Kentucky Derby winning, Mine That Bird, Calvin Borel, is nicknamed “Bo-rail” because of his success riding on the rail. Sadly, this success is not shared with unlucky jockey Carl “Glue Factory” Glewman.
Matt Millen, the mastermind behind the Detroit Lions 0-16 has been hired as an NFL analyst by ESPN; in a related story, Paris Hilton is giving a lecture at Harvard on the virtues of abstinence.
Since you asked:
Best quote of the week:
On the daring Calvin "Bo-rail" Borel inside squeeze with gelding Mine That Bird on the rail to pass 18 horses in 21 seconds to win the Kentucky Derby, "Sports Illustrated's" Tim Layden wrote:
"Mine That Bird has no stones, but Borel's are big enough for both of them."