Thursday, April 16, 2009

What, what, what, what, what, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Makes sense
Dog experts claim the first dog’s name, Bo, is a problem because it rhymes with no. That is silly. Instead of yelling no when Bo makes a mistake in the White House they’ll just yell “Bush!”

In lieu
In sad news, the first famous porn star, Marilyn Chambers passed away at 54. In lieu of flowers please send Marilyn’s favorite charity a money shot.

I can’t tell you how relieved I am to find out the first dog, Bo, is a Portuguese water dog. At first I thought it was that thing on Rod Blagojevich’s head.

Who knew?
More information is coming out about the Navy Seal mission against the Somali pirates. They shot all three pirates at the same time. Which is interesting because Somali is an ancient Arabic word that means: Cheney’s Hunting Partners.

The only one
Sadly, after nearly 30 years of marriage, Mel Gibson is getting divorced from his wife, Robyn. Mel stands to lose half of one billion dollars. This makes Mel Gibson the only man in the world who wished he had invested with Bernie Madoff.

Sadly, after nearly 30 years of marriage, Mel Gibson is getting divorced from his wife, Robyn. Mel stands to lose half of his estimated one billion dollars. And for reasons I am not sure, another $50 million will go to Heather Mills.

You have to pay your taxes. Unless of course you are on President Obama’s cabinet.

Hate to hear that
Some more bad news for President Obama. You know their new dog, Bo? Turns out he is way behind in his taxes.

Much better
Dog experts say there could be a problem with the new first dog’s name, Bo, because it rhymes with no. Still Bo is better than their first name idea: Osama bin lickin’.

Not good
Sadly, Mel Gibson is getting a divorce. The settlement will not be pretty. It didn’t help Mel when he asked his wife’s divorce attorney if he was a Jew.

That weasel
The key to tax season is getting a good accountant. I’m not sure about my accountant. He’s the weasel who helped the Somali pirates claim their parrots as dependents.

Since you asked:

This whole Facebook thing is just one big Larry David “Curb Your Enthusiasm” episode waiting to happen.

(Jeff and Larry at a bar. Jeff has his laptop open on the bar)

Uh, Larry, my client Harold called. He said you didn’t approve him as a facebook friend. Why wouldn’t you approve him as a friend?

Because I don’t know the guy.

But he is my best client. He knows everyone we know

So? That doesn’t mean I know the guy. Besides, Jason Alexander told me he made some guy he didn’t know a facebook friend and the guy turns out to be a psycho George Costanza fan and bugs him all day.


Don't take this the wrong way, but I think you're pretty much stalker safe.
But my client, Harold, knows you know he asked you to be his friend. And now he says he’ll cancel me as a friend if you don’t make him a friend.

OK, fine, when I go home I will click on his thing and make him my facebook friend. But for the record, I already don’t like the pushy, needy douche bag.

Cut to: Larry sits down at his desk, he gets an evil grin on his face and starts typing furiously on his computer. His cell phone rings.

Jeff (Hysterical)
“What the hell did you do that for?”


“Jesus, Larry, on facebook you called my client Harold a f-ing douche bag and you said I gave great bl*w jobs!”

Relax, it was just a joke. I just put it on your wall thingie.

You moron. Everyone can read my wall messages.

What are you talking about? I just put it on your wall, not everybody’s wall.

My god, Larry, you have $300 million in the bank and you can't figure out facebook? Everyone of my friends can read your wall comments and so can all of your friends and so can all of their friends.

What are you talking about? It is just on your wall. Nobody else can see that I thought.

All my friends, my parents, my clients, my secretary, my kids now think I bl*w you. Take it off, now!

But, but, I don’t know how to take it off.

My god you’re an idiot. Just delete where it says delete.

Larry frantically types away on his computer.

Oh no.

What’d you do?

Oh no.

You moron, what the hell did you do?

Larry (panicked)
You know that picture you e-mailed me of the, uh, rather endowed gentleman?

Which one?

The one getting the, uh, oral favor from the goat?

Jeff (Suspiciously)

I somehow just made it my facebook picture.

Cut to: Larry walking into his favorite restaurant. The place goes deathly quiet when suddenly someone says in a billy goat voice:

Hhhhheyyyy everybody, look, it’s Larrrrrrrrrry

The place breaks up, guys are making the universal sign for oral sex and falling on the ground laughing and braying like goats and sheep.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Slap it and tap it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Somali pirates have been described as heavily armed untrained young men. Or as we call that: The
Cincinnati Bengals.

The new Yankee Stadium is amazing. They thought of everything. To keep the old fans happy they even recreated the urine, cigar and beer vomit stench of the old place.

The new Yankee Stadium is amazing. And today they held the ceremonial transfer of the hot dog water from the old joint.

The new baseball season is underway and we've already had two players hit for the cycle. Normally this time of year the only cycle the players do involve steroids.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

What I done got was a righteous beat-down from the hair fairy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Now experts are saying that the new first dog name Bo will be a problem because it rhymes with no. Still it is better than the first name they picked: Hoobastank.

It was so cold at the Chicago Cubs 4-0 home opener against the Colorado Rockies, the players were injecting chicken soup in their butts. It was tough on the announcers. You try and say Fukudome when your teeth are chattering.

The San Diego Padres upset the New York Mets grand opening of their new bailout ballyard, Citi Field, 6-5. Tough off season for the Mets. Their owner lost $200 million to Bernie Madoff and their fans lost a personality contest to Phil Spector.

But the acoustics in the new park are amazing. Players can hear fans from every seat tell them to go screw themselves.

Since you asked:

I'm starting to figure out how this facebook thing works. You only update it when you have just swam with sharks in the great barrier reef or met the Pope in the Vatican or watched the entire game from inside the Yankee dugout.

You don't update it when you are killing time in the unemployment line or in the doctor's waiting room while worried if that odd-looking rash is infected.

And only take pictures of yourself after you've trained all summer for that triathlon or been skiing for a week in the Alps. Do not post your DUI mugshot or the picture your buddy took of you passed out on the bathroom floor of that dive bar in Trenton.

Monday, April 13, 2009

This just in:

A team in Brazil's best soccer league gives its players Viagra to improve circulation when they play at altitude. It seems to work. Plus, during time outs, the players have a new place to hang their towels.
How about that Masters, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Congrats to Angel Cabrera who won with a 12 under but at one point fell back to 9 under. I haven't seen an Argentinian retreat like that since the British invaded the Falklands.

San Diegan Phil Mickelson shoots a record tying 30 on the first nine and then plops a nine iron into Rae's creek on the scorching-pretty 12th hole in Amen corner. It was like a beautiful women threw a drink in his face.

It was the worst mistake Phil made all day if you don't count the black pants with the white stripes. Lefty looked like a prisoner trying to escape in his pajamas.

And how about when Aussie broadcaster Ian Baker-Finch described Tiger's 10th, 11th and 12th pars? He sounded like gunfire: "Paaah, paaaah, paaaah."

And the best round of the day went to UCLA's John Merrick. It was touching when, after his round, Merrrick went to his cage and said; "I'm not an animal."