Friday, January 23, 2009

Avast there and hold fast says I, harr, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


To commiserate a tough season for the Giants, New York bars are offering a Plaxico Burris special: you get a free shot if you throw a shot down your sweat pants.

A gayer act than Clay Aikens

Nine men in Senegal were sentenced to eight years in prison for gay acts. So they can go to prison and commit really gay acts.,

So what constitutes a gay act? Performing the musical “Cats” in an overly-flamboyant way?


Historians and sports experts generally agree Barack Obama is the fittest president in history. Do you know who our second fittest president was? Bill Clinton. He once did fifty push ups in a row. And that was just on one intern.

Not that there is anything wrong with it

New York Knick Eddy Curry is being sued by his former limo driver for sexual harassment. Curry was suspected of being gay due to his style of trash talking: “You’re decorator says your window treatments are tres gauche.”

The first stud

Historians and sports experts generally agree Barack Obama is the most athletic president in history. President Bush was extremely fit, he just wasn’t coordinated. For example, during his last term, Bush couldn’t find his butt with both hands.

Not pretty

Not everyone is glad President Bush is out. Here it is only two days since President Bush left office and a record number 32 comedy writers are in hospitals on suicide watch.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

They best get their brazen Somali pirate narrow sterns correct, Torn Slattern and Nugget Ranchers

Get ready for the rim shot
Barack Obama is the latest golfer president. Eisenhower shot in the eighties, Kennedy shot in the seventies, and Bill Clinton regularly scored 69. Then he went out and played golf.

But I wanna tell ya . . . .

Silly me
Do you know who Barack Obama credits most often for his success? His wife, Michelle. And here I am thinking it was mostly due to Sarah Palin.

Hey, wait a minute
In his inaugural speech, Barack Obama promised change but that every person in the US is going to have to sacrifice and work hard for it. To which every person in the US said; “Whoa. When we said we wanted change we didn’t mean we wanted to have to do anything.”

Get on that, Brownie
It may be time for President Bush to leave office. In his last act as President, Bush got on the phone to FEMA and said; “Yeah, I hear there’s a plane down in the Hudson, some time, when you get a chance, you might want to get those folks out of there.”

Like that (Set up thanks to the great and funny Jim Barach)
Nine men in Senegal were sentenced to eight years in prison for gay acts. That’s like sentencing a drunk driver to drive a Budweiser beer truck.

Code name
The Secret Service codename for Barack Obama is Renegade. Do you know the Secret Service codename for Joe Biden? Biden’s codename is “My God, does that guy ever shut up?”

The Salvation Army reports coin donations are way down. Here we are entering this time of change and nobody has any damn change.

A sure sign . . . not that there is anything wrong with it
New York Knick center, Eddy Curry, was sued for sexual harassment by his male driver; players suspected Curry of being gay because he didn’t trash talk, he trash gossiped.

Since you asked:
Don’t think I don’t hear you, I do. You’re asking yourself, Lex, buddy, pal, stand up paddleboard broheim, master of the perfectly grilled slightly smoked medium rare rib-eye and strip steak, “Bring it on Home” Led Zep version harmonica playing and Sonny Boy Williamson imitating singing man about town, what do you think about Jimmy Fallon replacing the Conie O’Bonie at 12:30 on NBC’s “Late Night”?

First of all, don’t ever call me broheim again.

Secondly, I think it is a great choice. Conan has grown into his job nicely and deserves an earlier spot as he has outgrown the prison inmate and college stoner 12:30 crowd, even though the advent of the DVR and Tivo helps mitigate that factor.

Let’s just say they could have picked a host with a lot less talent than Fallon. The guy is a first rate impressionist and he can do a monologue well, we know that from his stint at “Weekend Update” on “SNL.”

Plus Fallon has the silliness factor enough to keep that late audience. It will be a good show, I bet.

Even though that Fallon weasel took credit for the hairstyle I invented in the early eighties: bed hair. (Notice he doesn’t have it anymore?)

News bulletin:

Maybe this whole Barack Obama magic thing is working after all.

Today it started to rain and the dogs were outside. When I looked out the window to see where they were, they were resting underneath an overhang from our new barbeque island. Oh my word, Wrigley does have enough sense to come in out of the rain.

One thing I noticed about my dogs. They are the only species on the planet who can have such a regal bearing and then suddenly - and furiously - bite/scratch/sniff and lick their butt and, yet, a scant few seconds later, instantly regain their noble continence. 

Picture Richard the Lionhearted  perched upon his throne with swagger, his goatee neatly trimmed, his crown jauntily tipped to one side, red wine golden bejeweled goblet in hand, lamb roasting and turning slowly on a spit in the giant stone fireplace behind him. 

Then, suddenly, he throws himself on the ground and starts vehemently digging and scratching at his tookus in his tights, spinning on the ground Three Stooges/break-dancing "whub whub whub" style. 

Sure, he can get back up on his throne afterwards. 

But that Kingly air has long since vanished.   

Not so with Madam Kasey the worried bear and Sir Wrigley Telluride his royal dunderheadedness. 

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Poke-salad Annie, gator got your grannie, arrreewwww, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

And lift with your legs

V.P. Dick Cheney was confined to a wheel chair at the inauguration due to straining his back packing. Let that be a lesson to you: always drain your water board before lifting it to pack it.

Besides that

Today was a truly historic and unforgettable day; and besides the one millionth Geico commercial, Barack Obama was sworn in as President.

Is it just me?

Our new President is a great speech maker, but is it just me or does President Obama do that Capt. Kirk dramatic . . . pause . . . thing . . a lot?

That guy

The US Airways pilot Hudson river hero, Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger is being thrust into the limelight. Or as John McCain calls him: Joe the Pilot.


Now that President Bush’s last days are here I saw something truly pathetic; I walked into the monologue writer’s room and they were all sitting around crying and listening to the Hall and Oates version of “Baby Come Back.”

Real fear

The Hudson river hero pilot, Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger III, is going to make the talk show circuit. If “Sully” thought landing a powerless plane on a New York river was scary? Wait until he tries to land a word in on “The View.”

Not low on ammo

Studies indicate, due to high gas costs, driving was way down in 2008. In fact, in Los Angeles, driving was so low a lot of people didn’t even need to reload their guns all summer.

That explains it

An English newscaster was taken off air because it sounded like she was breathing hard in a sexual way while reading the news. When asked, the reporter confessed the story she read about that hot stud, Dick Cheney, drove her wild.

That explains it, 2

Bruce Springsteen sang at the pre-inaugural concert; Springsteen is great but why was he singing “Come on up for the Visine?” Oh, it was “Come on up for the rising”? That makes more sense. I thought it was some corporate plug.

Relax, it’s just a joke

The US Airways pilot Hudson river hero, Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger is going to make the talk show circuit. Can you imagine when “Sully” goes on “The View”? Joy Behar is mad he didn’t turn left, Elisabeth Hasselback wanted him to go right, and Whoopie Goldberg gets offended every time he mentions the black box.

Was it just me?
Or did Dick Cheney in his inauguration wheelchair remind anyone of that guy in “The Big Lebowski”? “The war is over, Mr. Lebowski, the bums lost. Condolences.”

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Drop it like you got to stop it and tear in to swear in, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

An “American Idol” contestant came out in a bikini. Her bottoms were so skimpy, let’s just say Sanjaya wasn’t the only contestant one with a Mohawk

She was so scorching hot, even Ryan Seacrest had to pretend he was turned on.

Stevie Wonder performed at the Lincoln Memorial for Barack Obama; this went a lot smoother when Stevie Wonder performed for President Bush. Bush kept trying to wave hello to Stevie.

According to a Cosmo Internet poll, 83% of men said they would be turned off if they knew a woman had plastic surgery; another survey reveals 83% of men are full of crap on surveys.

Fertility clinics in L.A. are paying attractive women $8,000 for their eggs and they pay men $50 for sperm. That is so sexist. I’m not asking for equal pay here but 160 times more pay? Where is that scary feminist lawyer, Gloria Allred? Get her on the phone.

Fertility clinics in L.A. are paying attractive women $8,000 for their eggs and they pay men $50 for sperm. Do you know what would happen if they paid men $8,000 for sperm? No need for Government bail outs. .

Fertility clinics in L.A. are paying attractive women $8,000 for their eggs and they pay men $50 for their sperm. Do you know what guys said to that grave injustice? “They pay $50 for sperm? Cool.”

The Arizona Cardinals are going to the Super Bowl for the first time, the Pittsburgh Steelers seventh trip. In fact, do you know the difference between the Detroit Lions and the Los Angeles Dodgers? At least the Dodgers have an outside shot of ever making it to a Super Bowl.

Marvel Comics announced they are going to create a gay super hero. This comes almost eighty years after the first gay cartoon character, Popeye. What? He was a vegetarian show-tune singing sailor who’s motto was “I am what I am.” Please.

Marvel Comics announced they are going to create a gay super hero. The gay super hero doesn’t have any special powers but he is a fiercely viscous gossip.

Fertility clinics in L.A. are paying attractive women $8,000 for their eggs and they pay men $50 for sperm. Unless you won the Kentucky Derby, than they pay a lot more for your sperm.

New York Knicks center, Eddy Curry, was charged with sexual harassment by his male ex-driver; players had a feeling Curry might have been gay because of his articulate and sensitive trash talking; “Your mother, although a kind women, had serious food issues.”

I don’t want to say Dick Cheney in the wheel chair looked like “It’s a Wonderful Life” Mr. Potter, but when they asked Cheney what he thought of the inauguration, he said “Sentimental Hogwash.”

“Track and Field News” named Jamaica’s Usain Bolt the #1 sprinter of 2008. To be candid, I don’t see what’s such a big deal about Bolt’s world record: 9.69 100 meters. In college track, I once had a time of 9.69 in the 100 meters. Sure I had twenty more meters to go . . .

Since you asked:

Poor Barack Obama.

What that brave guy has ahead of him is just mind-numbing. Could there be a crappier job? Yes, you live in a nice mansion, you have a nice private helicopter and plane. And I hear the White House kitchen staff can whip up anything you want to eat on a second’s notice. And you meet a lot of interesting people and you have a real chance to make a real change in a lot of people’s lives and to go down in history for doing it.

But that is it.

The easiest part of the job is giving speeches and town hall meetings. The traveling is brutal and then the rest of the time it is those mind-numbing banquets dinners and luncheons and press conferences and even more useless ceremonies. If it is a bad year I maybe have to go to ten banquets or fundraisers a year, and I hate all of them. (Not counting the rare ones I MC which is more fun. And I get paid)

But then you are working your ass off on issues and bills that, even if they pass and do what you want them to do, you probably won’t get any of the credit- the lawmakers and politicians take that – but you will assuredly take all of the blame if a decision goes bad. And I am not even getting into the endless cabinet meetings and conference calls.

And let's not even think about the fact that all of this has to happen in front of the press and in a suit. When I was a kid I thought the greatest job was President of the United States. That's the difference between innocence and getting older. Now I know it is the worst job in the world.

Nope, as the great David Letterman says so well and so often:

I wouldn’t give that guy’s troubles to a monkey on a rock.

But you do get to go to Camp David and make a wallet . . .

Somehow I got missed

Between the Sundance film Festival and the inauguration, with  all the performances and speeches and balls and fundraisers, it would appear that I am the only celebrity who is not in Washington DC or Park City, Utah which, I guess is OK, because, in my own way I feel I am . . . wait, just a second, one of the staff members here at a.l.b.b. is trying to tell me something. 

Yes? Huh? Really? When did this happen? 

Heh, ha, heee, uh, it appears, Slatterns and Ranchers that, I, uh, I am not a celebrity.

Dammit, I want someone's tookus in my totebag. 

Monday, January 19, 2009

How about that US Riverways, err, US Airways flight, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Been around
Now I don’t want to say new Hall of Famer Ricky Henderson played with a lot of teams, but when he is inducted to the Hall he is going in wearing a Southwest Airlines hat.

Let’s hope not
The US Airways flight that landed safely in the Hudson river was saved by the heroics of it’s pilot, Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger. Let’s hope it doesn’t turn out Sullenberger was just another investment scammer trying to fake his own death.

Bad case of the bird flew
A US Airways flight landed safely in the Hudson . It was the worst New York bird-related incident since the Giants crashed after hitting the Eagles.

That explains it
A US Airways flight landed safely in the Hudson river after it’s engines were knocked out by birds. Upon hearing this, a spokesperson for Jet Blue said “See? That’s why we never take off.”

Next line
The US Airways flight that landed safely in the Hudson river was saved by the heroics of it’s pilot, Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger. In fact the latest pickup line in New York is “Hi, my name is Chesley, but you can call me “Sully.”

Out of luck
They say soon you will be able to watch TV on your cell phone. Unless you have one of those old rabbit-ear cell phones.

Not fair
A US Airways flight landed safely in the Hudson . The good news is that everyone survived. The bad news is US Airways charged them an extra $100 for a Circle Line cruise.

Everyone survived. At first they thought there were a few fatalities but it turned out to be the bodies dumped in the Hudson from earlier Mafia hits.

Who knew?
You soon will be able to watch TV on your cell phone. Imagine that? You will be able to watch the news report of the car crash you caused while driving on your cell phone on your cell phone.

Now you can send e-mails, text messages, pictures, videos, games and songs on your cell phone. And who knows, maybe some day they’ll come up with the technology where two people in different places can talk.