"Damn it, I wish I had gone with a driver."

Let’s review:

Tiger Woods crashes his car into a tree and fire hydrant in front of his driveway at 2:25 am, wife, Elin, reportedly smashes back window with golf club to get him out. Tiger declines to meet with police three times. Neighbors claim to hear a loud domestic fight that same time and then seeing a passed-out-on-the-ground Tiger. Slutty party chick - rumored to be connected with Tiger - immediately flies across country to hire publicity-whore sleazy celebrity attorney Gloria Allred to deny the rumor. Tiger also denies rumors. About the only thing missing from this mess is an hysterical phone call about a breakaway weather balloon with a kid inside it.

That’s the thing with celebrities famous for guarding their private lives, like Tom Cruise, Tiger Woods and David Letterman. There always ends up being a big reason why they have to guard their private lives. Either they’re banging everything in sight, or they are gayer than Adam Lambert’s dance choreographer.