Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Put it back in your World Wide Pants

Gives me an oh snap ditty what-what one time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Michael Vick resigns a deal with Nike? So how did Vick get out of Nike’s dog house so fast?

The Backstreet Boys had to cancel their tour because Brian Littrell has the swine flu; yeah, I didn’t think you gave a damn either.

Rio de Janeiro has been selected for the 2016 Olympic Games; In Rio people swigged rum, tore off their clothes and danced in the street all night, when we asked them why they were so excited about the Olympics, they said; “What Olympics?”

Chicago is upset about not getting the 2016 Olympics. Maybe Chicago didn’t get the Olympics because they were planning to make the five Olympic rings out of giant onion rings.

David Letterman had sex with his interns. Why is it I can’t get an intern to get me a cup of coffee?

David Letterman had sex with his interns. I guess they misunderstood when he asked them to be on his staff.

Sarah Palin has written her book titled “Going Rogue.” Don’t confuse this with Joe Biden’s book: “Going Rogaine.”

Rapper Wale has a new CD called “Attention: Deficit.” It sounds pretty good, I just can’t seem to finish listening to it.

Rapper Wale has a new CD called “Attention: Deficit.” It has this great go-go song that, oh, shoot, I forget to start a player on my fantasy team, hey look, a quarter.

Rapper Wale has a new CD called “Attention: Deficit.” The hit song is “Yo, yo, check it, hey look, a blue car.”

They arrested that guy who tried to sell naked video shots of beautiful sports reporter, Erin Andrews. The guy secretly filmed Andrews naked in her hotel room. Thank god this wasn’t the guy who tried to extort David Letterman. Who needs naked pictures of that?

Did you watch football this weekend? I noticed a Seattle Seahawks safety is named Lawyer Milloy. They named the guy Lawyer? Was the name Ambulance Chaser already taken?

To show awareness for breast cancer, many NFL teams wore pink on their uniforms. It is a great cause, but it was odd to see football players wearing so much pink. It is sort of like seeing a prima ballerina driving a Harley Davidson chopper.

The Hollywood petition to release Roman Polanski shows how much Hollywood forgives their own. In fact, did you know what they call OJ Simpson in Hollywood? That talented actor who played Officer Nordberg in the “Naked Gun” trilogy.

The backlash against Whoopi Goldberg questioning if the rape of a minor by Roman Polanski was rape-rape is big. Many people are vowing not to see any of Whoopi’s movies, which would be a big deal if this was still 1992.

The backlash against Whoopi Goldberg questioning if the rape of a minor by Roman Polanski was rape-rape is big. Men all over the country are vowing never to watch “The View” again.

Since you asked:

When you take the newspaper off your neighbor’s driveway, what time is the difference between being a considerate neighbor who doesn’t want thieves to know they are not home and when is it just stealing a newspaper? Noon?

People are asking me, Lex, with your vast strategic military expertise – I’ve seen “Patton” and “Master and Commander” more times than I can count – what is your opinion on whether or not a troop surge could prove effective in Afghanistan?

First of all, the terrain is problematic at best. You could not hire engineers to create a topography that was better suited for guerilla and rebel forces to hide and ambush. Just tossing 40,000 troops at an area where insurgents can hide in caves and attack from cliffs and mountain tops two or three at a time isn’t necessarily the best way to go.

It would be like using a bazooka to get rid of ants.

However, more soldiers cover more terrain. If the new surge employs a strategy of spreading out and in groups of five to ten to fight the groups of four to six buried and entrenched insurgents, that could take out more of the enemy faster.

Let’s also not forget, more troops searching the Pakistan/Afghanistan mountainous borders could result in happening upon Osama bin Laden sooner.

In summary, if they are just going to throw numbers at the problem and attack in battlefield strategy in battalions, more troops isn’t necessarily going to cause results in Afghanistan.

If they utilize a more stealth and covert style of smaller platoons banding groups of ten who then can comb out and cover a wider area and widen the line of attack and stretch out and isolate the scattered enemy, a troop surge in Afghanistan would be useful.

And, when and if they do catch Osama bin Laden, my suggestion, and it is just one man’s suggestion, is a good, old-fashioned scrotum hanging immediately followed by a pig blood bath and a pants-wetting bitch-slapping until he whines like the sorry murdering pussy he is, all caught on video clip and sent to al Jazeera.

That is all for now, soldier, outstanding. Dismissed.

Fond memories

For whatever reason you need to assign silly high school jocks, my group of friends decided people essentially fell into two categories: prudes or whores. To label people we would then replace a syllable from their name and substitute the word prude or whore. Men and women both.

Let’s use the Supreme Court for example. Ruth Bader Ginsberg is a prude. So she would be Ruth Bader Gins-prude. Or Prude-sberg. Same with retired justice David Souter. He would be David Sou-prude. Or Prude-ter.

Your status could change depending on your behavior. If you did something exceedingly whorish or prudish, we would adjust accordingly.

Sure, usually I was Alex Kasewhore, but, on occasion I was demoted/promoted to Alex Prudeberg.

Justice Clarence Thomas? Clearly a whore. So he is Clarence Thom-whore. Or Whore-mas.

David Letterman? David Letter-whore.

So what, you ask, and why wouldn’t you, what do you, Lex, think of this whole Letterman scandal?

Whether you believe it or not, I have it on good authority that, with certain women, Letterman holds one hell of a pull. Fame wealth power and funny doesn’t hurt. One woman in the business I know – who shall remain nameless – said she had a hot friend who stalked Letterman and repeatedly threw herself at him, but to no avail.

This does not excuse Letterman if he abused his power and that he cheated on the mother of his child. N.O.W has, of course, taken the opportunity to pile on and whore for free publicity to slam Letterman. But doesn’t that weaken the women involved in this to the point of making them defenseless children? These are TV figures who were good at what they did and they were also consenting adults.

There is no evidence at all that Letterman ever pulled a “Do me or you’re fired” on these adult women.

So I guess I am willing to give a big ol’ pass, but I am disappointed, I thought for sure Letterman was the best chance at a really decent guy, including Leno and O’Brien, in the entertainment bidness.