You couldn't make this stuff up if you wanted to, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Gosh it is hot. I'm sweating like Jason Biggs filming a remake of "Planet of the Apes."

While hiking on Gibraltar Island near Spain, "American Pie" actor Jason Biggs was attacked by a Gibraltar monkey. He's OK, but the scariest part for Biggs was when the monkey slapped him and ordered him to; "Say my name, bitch."

A rock in a Dutch museum thought to be a moon rock turned out to be a worthless piece of petrified wood. It's the same disappointment Kimberly Conrad had on her honeymoon with Hugh Hefner.

It is rumored that Oprah Winfrey and President Barack Obama and Michelle Obama will dine together in Martha's Vineyard. Poor Stedman has to sit at the kid's table with Sasha and Malia.

Two Florida TV reporters were attacked by a woman wielding a garden hoe. According to reporters, the hoe was big, dangerous and scary. And the gardening tool she held was frightening as well.

Since you asked:

No lie, I was sitting here like a big stupid turnip whining about how hard it is to come up with comedy topics and premises at a time when it seems that everyone, including President Obama and Oprah Winfrey, is out of town on vacation.

When suddenly "American Pie" actor Jason Biggs gets bitch-slapped by a Gibraltar monkey.

Have you seen the incredibly gory and controversial English PSA about the horrors of text messaging while driving? YouTube has deemed it too gory for under 18-year-olds. That defeats the whole purpose. Yes it is gory and shocking and upsetting. But so is the notion of somebody at 16 and 17 being so stupid and selfish and lazy that they will text message while driving. You have seen them, so have I, they will cause crashes and it could be us who gets hurt.

When you are drunk and drive, your judgment, timing and decision making is off. When you text, dial a cell phone or search for an iPod song while driving, your judgment, timing and decision making is non existent.

The other day I saw a woman in the car next to me. She was stopped at the light and was eating a bowl of soup while talking on her hand held cell phone. It was unavoidable for me to see that operating her car, for her at that time, wasn't even a consideration, it was, at best, an outside annoyance. It never even occurred to her the danger that could happen to herself by not concentrating on driving her car, let alone those near her. Got that? She wasn't even considering how she herself could get hurt let alone me or anyone else. Now that is world class stupid, lazy and selfish.

These people who text or talk on a hand held cell phone and eat soup and put on makeup while driving are so stupid, lazy and selfish they don't even think about their own safety. How far down the list of their priorities do you think you, me and our children are? A bloody commercial to shock these idiots into consciousness seems like too little. I say fine them $1,000 per offense.

It is hard to reach and impress people who are that stupid and selfish and lazy that they will text/e-mail/iPod while they are driving, so if a really scary and bloody commercial reaches and influences these stupid and lazy and selfish people, especially at age 16, than I am all for it, no matter how gory and upsetting it may be.

Attention older person pulling out of the grocery store parking spot in front of me:

You can see I have stopped my car and thus I am waiting for you to pull out. By virtue of the fact I have stopped where I have stopped, I have utterly eliminated the chance of another car driving up and hitting you. They would have to go through me to get to you. Cars on the other side driving the other way are too far away to hit you.

So you can actually pull your car out of the parking spot faster than one foot every ten seconds for the love of god.

Oh, and lady-who-knew-I-was-waiting-for-her-parking- spot, but-still-took- about-five-minutes-to-pull-out? Just so you know, you are going to hell. Oh, yes you are.

No lie, she went through her purse, cleaned out her glove compartment, dialed up her cell phone and fixed her hair and makeup, all while she knew I was sitting in back of her in my car, burning time and gas, waiting for her to pull out.

Lord, why did you put so many selfish morons in my neighborhood at once? Why?