Ich love Brüno . . . not in that way, you silly.

Although it wasn't a direct trade, the Cubs swapped Mark DeRosa for Milton Bradley. That is a good swap like someone giving their car in exchange for a hard kick in the crotch is a good swap.

Due to the Mark Sanford scandal, I did a little research; did you know what the word Argentina means? It is a derivative of an old Castilian Spanish term that, roughly translated, means: Vagina Outsourcing.

In his first cabinet meeting since his Argentina affair with a woman named Maria, Gov. Mark Sanford compared himself to King David. No, wait, I'm sorry, no, King David is the nickname Maria gave his penis.

How much do Cubs fans and White Sox fans hate each other? You know how PETA feels about Michael Vick? Worse. The blood between Sox and Cubs fan is more toxic than Amy Winehouse's blood after a bachelorette party in Las Vegas. There are Shiite and Sunni clerics who get along better than Cubs and Sox fans.

At least the Cubs can spell their name Cubs. White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen? An "SNL" Chico Escueala routine about to happen. Like how Ozzie pronounces the name of the city. Cheek-cah-go? Where the hell is that? Pronounce it right: Shiii-kahhhhhh-goooo.

From what I have read and gathered, Iran seems like a combination of the worst aspects of Nevada, a maximum security prison and Rite Aid. An ugly, barren, hot, dusty, depressing, cold, concrete and steel hell where any aspect of joy is intentionally beaten and killed by permanently angry and bitter people.


Got an e-mail from some young alleged stand up comic in Denver basically announcing that he has done me the honor of deciding I can write material for him. As this has happened before, I was skeptical at best, but I sent him a response outlining my fees and charges.

He responded in a hurt and insulted way asking where was my faith in human nature and my desire to help a fellow human being? In short, he wanted me to write for him for free. OK, I'll bite, I thought, so I sent him an e-mail back asking what he was looking for intending to send him some appropriate observational material. Maybe three jokes.

Oh, my word, this guy honestly thought I was going to be his writing bitch for five hours a day. He told me how much material he expected to review and provided valuable insights into his personality and informed me to produce it by noon each day so he could have time to consider the material for his show that night.

I sent him back an e-mail with four words: No thanks. Good luck.