Friday, January 02, 2009

"Tookus in a Totebag" is sung to the tune of the Police's "Message in a Bottle", Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A group of Muslims were kicked off a domestic flight for discussing a possible attack; a little advice, if your name is Abdul and your last name ain't Jabbar? Don't talk about an attack on a plane if you don't want your tookus in a totebag.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

We gettin’ the so fine in the ’09 up in this up in this, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I, uh, I did not know that
Did you know that Auld Lang Syne is an old Scottish expression? It means: Lipstick on a pig.

Who knew?
Not many people know this, but CBS also offered Jay Leno a 10:00 pm show, but they wanted to call it CSI: Chin.

Actor Matt Dillon was ticketed in Vermont for driving 106 mph. In his defense, Dillon said he was preparing for the prequel to “Crash” titled “About to Crash.”

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
It was awkward when they asked President Bush what his New Year’s resolution is, he said “Our government needs work, but there’s no reason to overthrow it and start a resolution.”

Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, just had a baby boy and they named him Tripp. Is that a good idea? The baby’s father’s mother was arrested on drug charges and they named the kid Tripp? Were the names Stoned and Wasted already taken?

Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, just had a baby boy and they named him Tripp. Really, Tripp? Still, it is better than Sarah’s suggestion: Joe the Baby.

That explains it
A study reveals teenagers who take the sex abstinence pledge are just as likely to have premarital sex as those who do not take the pledge. The problem is these kids have been raised to always obey their teachers.

Not nice
The dog movie “Marley and Me” was #1 at the box office, or as “Marley and Me” is titled in China; “A Moveable Feast.”

Place your bets

Prior to the playoff game between the Chargers and the Colts, the mayors placed a cheap but friendly wager. San Diego’s Jerry Sanders offered a six pack of beer and a fish taco combo from Rubio’s valued at under $20. Indianapolis mayor, Greg Ballard offered a shrimp cocktail from St. Elmos’s steak house at $14.95. And for some odd reason, Ill. Gov. Rod Blagojevich threw in an Illinois Senate seat valued at $500,000 and a case of hair products.

Bless her heart
Cloris Leachman gave the coin toss at the Rose Bowl game. There was an awkward moment, when they handed the coin to crazy ol’ Cloris, she tried to spend it on a young male escort.

Since you asked:
Let me tell you a little bit about myself as a person and as a human being. (Shout out to the Doctor)

Because we are an incredibly good looking as well as amazingly fun to be around family, we were invited to a New Year’s Eve party in our hamlet.

They asked me to bring an appetizer so we got two Trader Joe's lamb rib racks pre-marinated and seasoned and French cut. In addition to the seasonings heavy with rosemary and dill and garlic I added pepper and garlic powder and seared both sides for a solid two minutes per side.

They looked amazing, but was I done? Oh, no. Drizzled on olive oil and placed them over indirect heat with the mesquite smoker going strong for another, oh, twenty minutes.

Made a sauce of plain yogurt, fresh dill, garlic powder and diced cucumbers. After another olive oil drizzle and a sprinkling of sea salt, I let the ribs rest. Made funky patterns on a sterling-like serving plate with the yogurt sauce, placed the pink and juicy sliced ribs on the plate and bam’d it with chopped parsley.

Bob is your New Year’s Eve frickin’ Uncle is all.

You simply could not have asked for a greater study of contrasts than USC and Penn State.

USC is Hollywood, Penn State is coal mining country.

USC’s coach, Pete Carroll is a pretty boy who can work out with his team, Penn State’s coach is a gruff old man whose coke-bottle glasses are wearing a magnifying glass and he has to sit up in a booth off the field.

USC is a double non-fat, extra foam, double pump vanilla four shot Latte, Penn State is a cup of Joe in a plaid thermos.

USC’s uniforms look like they were designed by a Roman interior decorator, Penn State’s black and white practice uniforms look like they were issued by a prison warden.

USC is famous for its Heisman Trophy winning running backs, Penn State is famous for its toothless linebackers.

USC surfs, Penn State ice fishes.

USC loves seared ahi tuna with lots of wasabe, Penn State has no idea what the hell that even is.

USC has gorgeous cheerleaders, Penn State’s cheerleaders are, well, better looking than their linebackers.

USC’s favorite holiday movie is “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” Penn State’s is “Marley & Me.”

So it goes without saying we here at a.L.b.B. are for Penn State.

But USC in the Rose Bowl is harder to beat than naked hot tub party at Hef’s place.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Let me be the first to wish all dyslexics a Year New Happy 0920, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

I, uh, I did not know that . . .
Did you know what Auld Lang Syne is Scottish for? Get her done.

What a nob
OK, we all know this "Bob's Big Boy" idiot, Rod Blagojevich who got caught trying to sell Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat? Well, he appointed a guy anyway, but the guy turned him down. Is it just me or is this Blago moron like a political Black Knight in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"? 

His arms and legs chopped off and blood spewing from his stumps and he shouts;

"Come back and fight, it's just a flesh wound."

John Daly said his six-month suspension from the PGA tour is his personal low point. And this is coming from a guy who was arrested for passing out in front of a Hooter's. This guy knows his low points.  

Guys, be warned, "Marley & Me" is a great date movie, but you will cry. You know "Brian's Song"? Picture Brian Piccolo as an adorable rascal doggie. 

Sir Chuck
Charles Barkley was arrested for a D.U.I. When asked to comment an indignant Sir Charles said;

"That arrest was turrr-uh-bull, just turrr-uh-bull. That cop was a knucklehead. Letmetellyousomthin' I been a lot drunker than that . . ."

How cold is it?
It is cold back East, in Washington, Dick Cheney had to resort to hockey-boarding.

With the support of Palastenian president Mahmud Abbas, Hamas has vowed to not quit. (Split infinitive, split infinitive) In other words, Hamas's Abbas has cast no mas on a coup de gras to cast the last pass past the harassment. . . oh forget it.

Since you asked:

Great story in "SI". 

It illustrates sportsmanship and the problem of sports officials who are losers gone mad with their small power.

At the girls state championship in Washington, Nicole Cochran won the 3200-meters by 3.05 seconds, a blow out. Until some tool official ruled she had stepped outside her lane on one of the turns and disqualified her. Everyone said the official was wrong and a video of the race later proved it was someone else who stepped over the line.  But no matter, this weasel-tool would not change his ruling.

So what did the "winner" Andrea Nelson do when given the first place medal? She walked over and placed the gold medal around the neck of the real winner, Nicole Cochran. And then the second place medal winner gave her medal to Nelson. And so forth all the way down the line of the eight medal winners.

Volunteers as officials are critical for many sports, especially track and most are wonderful. The problem is when it attracts those pathetic losers who go mad with their tiny amount of power. We run into this over and over again with the refs at AC's soccer games. They are just dying to throw a coach or a parent out of a game. 

Thanks for asking, but no, I have not been tossed or even rebuked. OK, once I was told to cool it when a ball bounced up and hit the other team's player hard in both hands while she was in their box - a penalty kick on their goal - and the ref did not call it, I blurted out louder-than-I thought-I-had while laughing;

"What does she have to do, catch it?"

Once at a decathlon meet in high school that I had trained for months for, one of these nimrod nazis was in charge of the long jump pit. Not the entire meet, just the long jump pit. This fifty-something tubby jerk made us stand at attention while he explained the rules of his long jump pit. This attention-standing had never happened before and did not after. 

Of the many and silly rules he had, he instructed us we must exit from the back of the pit. Well, duh, exit from the side and it lowers your distance mark in the sand. 

When I jumped and exited from the back via the corner of the pit, four feet past my mark, he tried to throw me out of the competition. And this was just during the warm up, not the actual competition. Fortunately, the head of the meet was a great guy and overruled him. 

Now angered by my slight at usurping his authority, he ruled that a jump I made that was in back of the board and legal, he claimed my foot was over the line making it a foul. Once again he was overruled. Then he did it again and was overruled again. The  head of the meet finally had to relieve this moron of his duties. 

When he stormed off, everybody, coaches, parents, fans and all the competitors applauded and cheered. 

It was great. 

And, if I remember right, the guy was a movie critic. And his daughter was Kristen Stewart.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Talk about Trippin', Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, gave birth to a baby boy they named Tripp. The father's mother was just arrested for drug charges and they name the kid Tripp? Were the names High and Whacked-Out already taken?

Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, had a baby and they named him Tripp; the father's mother is in jail for drugs and they name him Tripp? Still, it's better than Sarah Palin's suggestion: Joe the Grandson.

An attractive Michigan teacher was arrested for having sex with her 17-year-old student. In her defense, as a volleyball coach and math teacher, she claims she was just teaching him how to spike and see how many times he could get 17 to go into 30. 

The bad news is Rod Blagojevich wants to appoint the vacant Barack Obama Senate seat; the worse news is he wants to appoint Bernie Madoff. 

The movie "Seven Pounds" is sad; to give you an idea how sad, it is even sadder than the AIG Christmas party. 

Monday, December 29, 2008

The Detroit Lions went 0-16. Or as the Detroit Tigers call 0-16, April.

Have you seen how pregnant the pregnant-with-twins Jennifer Lopez is? Between her belly and her butt, Lopez looks like the infinity symbol. 

A non-fiction book on Oprah's book club and the New York Times bestseller list on the Holocaust was pulled because it was a lie. Authorities became suspicious when it turned out one of the characters was a girlishly handsome teenage boy vampire. 

A man watching a movie in Philadelphia theater pulled out a gun and shot a man who was talking during the movie. Whoa, which one do you pick here? I mean, you shouldn't shoot people, but the other guy was talking during the movie.  

Wouldn't it have been wild if the guy got shot for talking during "Marley & Me"? "OK, pal, I warned you not to talk during the picking-the-puppy scene." Blam, blam, blam. 

Granted, talking during a movie is rude, but plugging a guy full of lead isn't exactly in the Christmas spirit now is it?