Thanks, Seth, Amy.
I have to say, Michael, um, you look a little different in person.
I know, everyone says I seem a lot taller. I just want to thank all the people who helped me win these eight gold medals. There is my coach, Bob Bowman, and of course my mom, Debbie, who gets a gold medal for being a great mom but a zero from the judges for falling off her seat.
But, seriously, it goes without saying these gold medals would not be possible if not for my relay teammates, without whom I would not have three of my gold medals. Especially that one guy, that other guy and that other dude came from behind to win.
The guy who barely out-touched that French guy?
Yeah, that guy. Who could ever forget what’s his name? What a nightmare for the French. First they had to get in the water and bathe and then they lost to the US . .. again.
But, all kidding aside, most importantly, I want to thank all of those mean kids who, when I was growing up, teased me about how big my ears are.
Really? They teased you about your ears?
Yes, Seth, and their teasing inspired me to Olympic greatness. So all you kids who get bullied, let that be a lesson for you: some day, if you work hard enough, you can get the last laugh. (Holds up his eight gold medals to wild applause)
How bad did they tease you about your ears? Like, did they say when they were handing out ears, you thought they said beers and you asked for two big ones?
(Irritated, but then smiles)
No, never heard that one.
Oh, let me try one. How about his ears are so big he can hear the sun come up?
(More irritated and struggling to maintain calm)
Yeah, Amy, no, but, that’s, uh, that's a good one.
When “Star Wars” came out, did they say your Dad, Yoda, called?
(Now clearly pissed)
Yeah, they did say Yoda was my Dad, and it hurt. But that wasn’t the one that would set me off, though.
Hey Mickey, where's Minny?
(Just looks up and sighs trying to maintain his composure)
Oh, you don’t mean . . .
(Gritting his teeth)
. . . I’m warning you, Seth, don’t do it.
They didn’t really call you DUMBO did they? Hey, Dumbo, can you fly with those ears?
Yep, that was the one. (Screams: "Ahhhhhhhhh!" And then gives Seth a savage beat-down with his eight gold medals)
And that is how we play Lex’s Michael Phelps “SNL” skit.
Granted, Phelps would have to be a hell of a sport. But still . . .