Friday, August 15, 2008

We got Olympic cough-due-to-cold, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Better chance

Barack Obama is trying to get Angelina Jolie’s endorsement. Angelina can’t promise she will endorse Obama, but there is a real good chance she’ll adopt him.

Both Barack Obama and John McCain are rumored to be seeking Angelina Jolie’s endorsement. John Edwards doesn’t want her endorsement, but he does wonder if Angelina would like to grab a late dinner at a quiet little Italian place he knows.

This is wild, or not

After tense negotiations, Barack Obama’s campaign approved giving Hillary Clinton a nomination at the democratic convention. My word, do you realize what this means? No, really, I am asking, does anyone know what the hell this means?

Who knew?

Remember the late, great cooking expert, Julia Childs? Turns out she was a spy in World War II. You know the Chinese General Tso’s chicken recipe? She stole it from General Tso.

Putting the zing in Beijing

Some of the NBC Olympic announcers have been mispronouncing the name of the city as Bay-zhing, when it should be Bay-jing. But definitely not how John McCain pronounces it: Peking.


A study in England reveals beer goggles are real, strangers look more attractive to someone who has consumed alcohol. I think the name of this study is “Duh”.

A study in England reveals beer goggles are real, strangers look more attractive to someone who has consumed alcohol. They made a TV show out of this alcohol-attraction study. It’s called: “How I Met Your Mother.”

A study in England reveals beer goggles are real, people look more attractive to someone who has consumed alcohol. And, guys, you know how you can tell if you’ve had too much to drink? When you’ve drank until Hillary Clinton looks hot.


The Beijing Olympics is the first to be broadcast in High Definition. This is good news for everybody except the fans of women’s weight lifting.

Shyness prevention

Scientists are working on a drug that will help people overcome shyness. Don’t we already have this? It’s called beer.

Now it make sense

The Illinois Gay Rodeo Association is hosting a rodeo in Chicago on August 22-24. How in the world could a cowboy be gay? I mean cowboys wear pointy leather boots with heels and tight blue jeans with a wide brimmed hat and a scarf and carry a rope . . . oh, I get it.

And nobody wants that

Scientists are working on a drug that will help people overcome shyness. Warning: exceeding the recommended dosage of the anti-shyness drug could result in behaving like a chick on “The View.”


Guess who turns 50 tomorrow? Madonna. What kind of sexy underwear does a diva like Madonna wear when she turns 50? Depends.

Guess who turns 50 tomorrow? Madonna. Is there anything sadder than a cone bra that sags?

Happy Celebrity Birthday to Madonna, who turned 50. She celebrated by blowing out her birthday cake and Alex Rodriguez.

No, seriously, Madonna turns 50 today. Alex Rodriguez gave her a Rascal Scooter for her birthday.

No, seriously, Madonna turns 50 today. For today at least her hot flash excuse was because of all of those birthday cake candles.

Madonna turned 50. Let’s take a moment and review Madonna’s outstanding film roles. Well, there was that film where she played, uh, well how about the movie, uh, . . . and that should just about do it.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Even your emotions have an echo is so much space, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It was a dark and stormy administration
San Jose State held their 26th annual Bulwer-Lytton Worst Fiction Contest. Contestants submit the worst opening lines to a non-existing novel. This year’s winner? “This is the saga of the legacy of the Presidency of George W. Bush.”

San Jose State held their 26th annual Bulwer-Lytton Worst Fiction Contest. Contestants submit the worst opening lines to a non-existing novel. This year’s winner? “How to be a good husband and politician by John Edwards.”

Who da ‘ho? Idaho
A Republican politician from Idaho has endorsed Barack Obama; And no, it wasn’t Larry Craig, but apparently all those Idaho republicans love to reach out whether it’s across the congressional aisle or the airport bathroom stall.

That’s an Idaho republican for you, they’re either reaching out or reaching around.

Or Milli Vanilli
The news from China is that the adorable little girl who sang the National Anthem for the opening ceremony was lip-syncing. Her name is Lin Miaoke which translates into English as Ashley Simpson.

More annoying critics
Critics have whined about the rock music blasting between points at the Olympic beach volleyball venue. And as history has shown, if there is anything hot-blooded male sports fans cannot stand it’s hot women in bikinis jumping around on a beach to rock music. Seriously, if they just added beer most guys could die and go to heaven.

Critics in the US have whined about the rock music blasting between points at the beach volleyball venue. When asked if he thought the music was too loud at the women’s game he was watching, one starry-eyed male fan said; “Wha? Huh? There’s music? What music? Oh yeah.”

Some anonymous critics have complained that the bikinis are too skimpy on the women’s beach volleyball players. We don’t know who those critics are but we are pretty sure they aren’t on any of the women’s softball teams.

$500-a-haircut-weasel John Edwards is still under fire after getting caught in an extramarital affair. In fact, his wife, Elizabeth, is so mad she would pay more than $500 to have something else on Edwards clipped besides his hair.

Mug this
As a deterrent, police are publishing DUI mug shots in local papers. As a result, the Los Angeles Times is adding an entire new section just to cover the Hollywood mug shots: now, next to the Op-ed section, is the Hop-head section. Or, as it is also known, Andy Dick’s Pics.

Two Americas
John Edwards was reported to have paid mistress Rielle Hunter a hundred thousand dollars and a mansion. For Edwards there really are two Americas; and, as it turns out in one of them, Edwards has to pay out the nose for tail.

Since you asked:
Not to pat myself on the back, but am I the only one who has learned that 99% of smooth-talking overly-slick and well-scrubbed politicians always turn out to be slimy worthless grasping scumbags?

Is anyone really shocked when we find out a powerful married man is fooling around on his wife? Not anymore. But when that powerful married man bases his image on being Mr. Perfect Pants, he should go down hard. And, boy, is Edwards going down hard.

It is a scary enabling combination when you put together a greedy charismatic egomaniac with a voting public who desperately wants to believe its leaders really do look like the ones in the movies. What happens is the charismatic, charming Politico has their path greased and they slide at lightening speed to their entirely unearned lofty goals.

Maybe these guys didn’t start out evil, but when women start throwing themselves at wildly cocky guys, and special interests groups start throwing gifts, they become hard-wired to believe that they live in a world where consequences and morals do not apply. At least they don’t apply to them.

But, as in all Greek tragedies, their immorality catches up to their over-sized egos in a big way, either with a sex scandal or, a financial scandal or, in JFK’s case, a bullet from somebody powerful whom JFK's egocentric selfishness infuriated, either in the government, the mob or Cuba. (I’m not a conspiracy theorist, but somebody, besides just Oswald, had JFK shot)

Does this mean we are going to be stuck with Dennis Kucinich’s and Ralph Nader’s? Let’s look back, who were the best leaders? Lincoln? Nobody ever called him slick. Ghandi? You know he never paid $500 for a haircut. Washington? Not a great looking guy even if he had his own teeth. Churchill? Even bulldogs made fun of him.

Maybe there are slick, smooth and charismatic sharp-looking politicians out there who have good souls, who have their priorities straight and who want to lead by example.

But the statistics and history are not good is all I am saying.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

We got no love for haters, Torn Slattern and Nugget Ranchers

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
When President Bush was informed Russia attacked Georgia, there was an awkward moment when Bush yelled; “We must save Atlanta.”

Mon Dieu
In the men’s 4 x 100 Freestyle, the French relay team brashly predicted a victory but were defeated by the US at the last split second. What a nightmare for the poor French, they get humiliated by the US and they had to bathe at the same time.

May cause Manny-mind
The Los Angeles Dodger will now begin selling enigmatic space-case Manny Ramirez dreadlock-attached hats at games. Please remove the hats before operating heavy machinery.

The hats come with a disclaimer: Warning, these hats may cause erratic and downright goofy behavior.

It’s official, in smoggy Beijing, the Olympic motto has been changed from Faster, Higher, Stronger, to “You can’t trust air you can’t see.”

Chick flick schtick
“Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants II” is coming out. This movie is perfect for those people who couldn’t take all the testosterone-ridden violence of “Mamma Mia.”

Don’t ask, don’t tell
To prepare for Olympic tourists, Beijing officials have posted signs instructing Chinese locals on a list of eight things not to ask tourists: among them they aren’t to ask tourists about their age, income, religion, and if they’d like to take something for that nasty raspy cough.

Beijing Olympic official said the air pollution was under control. Actually, what they said was that the (cough) air pol (hack) lution was (wheeze) under (gack) control.

The Beijing Olympic Games are underway. You know what sport I don’t get? Race walking. Race walking is the track and field equivalent of Dungeons and Dragons.

Why not?
Airlines are charging for water, pillows, blankets. And if you get sick and have to use a barf bag, they charge you a one time $20 used food storage fee.